Five

Five

The chime of the pendulum clock on my wall woke me up. It frightened me and I shot up in bed. I squinted in the dark and looked at the clock. It read half past midnight.

Midnight.

“Isaiah.”

I had fallen asleep waiting for him and slept for thirty whole minutes. God knows if he was still up there waiting for me.

I got out of bed so fast that I slipped on my rug, toppled over on to the floor, and knocked over an oil lamp. I got up as fast as I had fallen and jumped on to the chair, pushed the door out of the way and hoisted myself into the attic.

There was a candle lit and burning down in the corner. I picked it up and scanned the room. In the dark, I could see the attic exactly as I remembered it. Long-unused things �" mostly furniture had had long since gone out of style �" sat gathering dust on the left side of the room. The right was side empty save for an old army cot that Isaiah had dragged there and never moved back after those few weeks he stayed in the house.

I paused for a minute, breathing in the familiar, musty scent of the attic. It was the site of a million memories, the very base of our friendship and, now, nearly the only way Isaiah and I could see each other. Without that room, we wouldn’t have anything.

“Isaiah?” I called quietly. “Isaiah I’m sorry. I fell asleep and…” I stopped when I saw him. He was lying on his side on the cot, fast asleep.

I just looked at him for a long while, listening to his even breathing. I wondered as I watched how anyone could see him as less of a man because of the color of his skin. He was so good and kind. He worked hard and fought for everything that he had.

It made me sad to think about it. It was so disheartening to think that he could never have a chance in life.

Isaiah mumbled something and rolled over. The cot was so small that he fell right off with a thump. He jumped to his feet in a second, daunting even when half-conscious, ready for anything.

“Shh… shh… calm down Isaiah,” I said, putting my hand over his clenched fist and kissing his cheek, “It’s just me.”

He took a few deep breaths before saying anything. “I’m sorry Addy. It’s just… I forgot where I was.”

I understood. I knew that the slaves lived in constant fear of beatings. If Isaiah were caught in the house, he would surely receive a brutal whipping or worse. It made me think about the danger he had put himself in every time he met me here. I didn’t even want to think of what would happen if we were caught together.

I nodded and took his hands. We sat down on the cot together. I felt the knot in my stomach tighten when I thought of what could happen on that bed.

“Here,” he said, taking something from his pocket. “I have something for you,” I took it, “a homecoming gift.”

I opened the box and looked inside. There sat two gorgeous hairpins. Each one had a single detail on its head, a pink jeweled flower that looked remarkably like the flowers on our tree.

“Oh,” I breathed. “They’re beautiful.” I looked to him, “These must have cost all of your savings.”

“Yes,” he said honestly, with a smile. "But they made me think of you, while you were gone. And I after I aw them, I saved my money for six months to buy them for you.” He brushed a stray lock of hair from my face. “It was worth it, to be able to buy you one fine thing. I’ll probably never be able to do it again.”

I felt guilty then. Isaiah felt that he had to spend the little money he had to keep me satisfied. I would have stressed this point if I did not believe that buying them really did make Isaiah happy. So I just said, “thank you. They’re wonderful.”

Isaiah took the pins from my hands and used them to pin back the lock he had brushed away from my face. His fingers lingered on my cheek for just a second. Then he dropped his hand and rested it lightly on my thigh.

I was suddenly amazingly terrified of what I thought was going to happen.

“So…” he avoided my eyes, seeming to be just as nervous as I was.

“Yes…” I could not think of a single other thing to say. This did not seem to be what I expected.

“Hannah talked to me,” Isaiah said.

“Yes. She, um, she talked to me to.”

He laughed briefly and looked down. “She doesn’t think we know what we’re doing.”

 “I know I don’t.” I felt like kicking myself as soon as I said it. That was the worst possible statement I could have made. I was trying to convince him that I was ready for this. “I mean… I mean…” There was no way to recover.

Isaiah chuckled lightly at my loss of words and I blushed, remembering what Hannah said about the dark. Isaiah cupped my chin to his face and drew me into a soft kiss. When he pulled his lips away he kept his forehead pressed to mine. “You don’t know how much I missed you.”

Well it could not possibly compare to how much I missed you was the witty and flirtatious thing I meant to say, but all that came out was, “yes,” which, once I thought about it, made no sense at all. 

Isaiah smiled a small smile and kissed me again. This time I was ready to prove to him I could do this. When he broke away, I hesitated a moment, then pulled him back by the collar of his shirt. He curled his arms around me and I gave way under him, lying back on to the cot so he held himself above me.

I took my lips away and looked back into his eyes. “Hannah said you had something to tell me…” I said, trying to sound in control.

Isaiah kissed my neck. “She said she thought you knew. She said she tried to talk about it, but you were embarrassed.”

Help me, God. We were thinking the same thing. He was ready to move ahead.

I tried to stop the nervous laughter from escaping. “Well I’m not embarrassed now,” I lied. I was more embarrassed than I ever had been in my life. Isaiah was actually lying on top of me and I had no idea how to handle myself.

“So you know?” he said, sounding oddly surprised.

I nodded to the best of my ability, “Yes,” I said, “I’m ready.”

“Then I just have to say it,” he said. To my surprise, he pulled his head back and looked into my eyes.

“I love you, Addy.”

I was going mad. It was not happening. Isaiah had not just said that. He was not in love with me. He wanted to make love, but he wasn’t in love. I should have simply been nervous, not terrified.

Those words did not boil in my mind and make me feel like I was finally whole. I was not choking back the words I love you too.

But it was happening, and of all thing things fumbling around in my head at that moment, I could not bring myself to say any of them.

There was one word that went flying out of my mouth before anything else could.

“What?”

Isaiah inhaled sharply, like he was afraid he had made a mistake. “I love you,” he repeated, much less sure of himself than before.

Then I knew the terrifying truth. I knew why I could not bring myself to stop thinking about him. I knew why I was willing to risk everything to be with him. I knew that Hannah had been right about everything.

I loved Isaiah too.

But I was too much of a coward to tell him.

Everything I had been raised to believe was fighting against me. The part of me that wanted to be a good southern girl would not be silenced, even as I fought it back. My doubt, my pride, and my cowardice won me over.

“No,” I said, pushing him off me before I knew what I was doing. “No!” I stood and pushed him again. “Isaiah, you can’t…” I was snarling when he cut me off.

“No, no, no, no, Addy let me say this.” To my own surprise, I did not say anything until he was done. “The day you told me you were leaving, I knew I couldn’t deny it anymore. I… I had fallen in love with you. I haven’t stopped thinking about you since you left last year. When you kissed me in that barn, you can’t know what that felt like. You have no idea how hard it was to watch you leave. You don’t know how it was when you were gone… not knowing who you would come back with…” He trailed off with emotion filled eyes.

“Addy, I’ve realized that when I’m with you, I don’t feel so alone. I feel like I don’t have to be afraid anymore, and I’ve been afraid for my whole life.”

I knew that he was waiting for me to say something, hoping that he had found some way into my heart.

I could not let him know that he had found it.

“Isaiah, you have to stop! You have to stop saying these things!” I did not want him to stop. I wanted to tell him that I felt the same way. I was afraid that if he did not stop, I would say something I regretted. “You can’t… we can’t…” I had lost my momentum.

“Addy,” He put his hands on my shoulders. “I’m not stupid. I know that feeling this way means risking everything, for both of us. I know what would happen if you were found with a… a…” He had said it, and it was too easy to play off the word.

“A slave!” The words just poured from mouth. Hurting him was the only way to stop him. “Isaiah. You. Are. A. Slave! Get that into your head! God, Isaiah, you can’t go on like this is some great love story! You have to realize where you stand in the world. I can’t be caught with a slave and I can’t love you! I can never love you!”

I felt an unbearable, deplorable guilt in the pit of my stomach. I did not believe I had it in me to hurt him like that. I was near hysterics, my voice as loud as it could be without waking my parents. I had never been so out of control.

But Isaiah stood perfectly still. His eyes glossed over, like he was trying to hide his pain. Looking into his face, I could not believe what I had done to him.

“So is that it?” His tone was flat, but I could hear the hurt in his voice. I did not know what to say to that, so I nodded, digging myself ever further into the pit. “I don’t think so. I don’t think that’s how you really feel.” He knew me too well. I was suddenly terrified of being caught in my elaborate lie.

“I know you, Addy. I can tell when you are hiding something. There’s something inside that you are afraid of showing.” He brushed a hand across my face and softened his voice. “Show me what you’re hiding, Addy, please.”

I could not stop now. I had to finish what I had begun. I slapped his hand away from my face and Isaiah pulled away instantly.

“You need to get out, Isaiah,” I said, going for the tone of controlled rage.

“What?”

“You need to get out. You need to get out of my attic. You need to get out of my house. You need to get out of my life!” I pushed him towards the window.

“Addy…”

“Please,” I cut him off. “Just leave.”

He gave me a very sad look as he climbed out, not saying anything more. I slammed the window shut behind him.

Unable to control my clashing emotions, I sunk down to the floor and leaned against the wall.

I sobbed and rocked myself back and forth all night, wishing I had not brought this upon myself, but knowing that in the lie I had spoken a harsh truth.

I could never be with Isaiah.

 

Reviews

[C. Porter]

AGHH!!! I HATE IT WHEN THAT KIND OF THING HAPPENS IN BOOKS!!!!!!!!!!!
Well written chapter, but ADELINE'S AN IDIOT!!!!!!!!!
It usually takes ages longer for me to get all insane when the characters do something unbearably stupid, but I've fallen in love with you're characters...Tell Adeline from me she's annoying!!! All I can say is they better make up in the next chapter, which I'm about to read in the next thirty seoncds..

[Arianna]

meh
she is so stupid
and i mean i understand
but oh jesus really its so annoying
and i makes me sad
rawr, they need to make up.
now.
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.display. .ana.008.
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.name. Arianna
.username. nerdypenguin2427
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[Short.Nerd]

Poor Isaiah :(

[alicia b.]

*A* Omg, nooooo!

[Lorraine]

Adeline's insecurity pissed me off, but I guess it was normal considering that she was a southern girl trained to act lofty around slaves. Again, Isaiah was such noble one. He gave her expensive hairpins brought through months of hard work. That was what made me annoyed at Adeline. I understand she was confused but how could she manage to hurt the guy who braved to confess to her, and who was in the first place, a close friend of hers? The slave thing was such a pain but you really did a good job in exploring this concept. It was just so easy to sympathize with them. Great Writing.

Keep Writing. ^___^