Masquerade
The hall of the Schindler Mansion is ornately decorated for the occasion. I gasp just to see such a beautiful place. Beautiful tapestries of red and gold hang from the wall. Huge oriental rugs cover the gold paneled floor. Paintings by master artists hang in golden frames. And a beautiful marble statue, identical in size to the man himself, stands in the middle of the great hall.
The stone Edmond stares at me with lifeless eyes. At first glance, it seems as beautiful as he, just as chiseled, just as hard, just as cold. But looking more closely, I see something is off. Something in his eyes. There is no life. He neither scowls with rage nor smiles with enthusiasm, nor any other emotions I have seen in him. I realize this life, this spirit within him, is the soul of his beauty. I tear my eyes away, trying not to dwell on thoughts of Edmond's redeeming qualities.
Looking about, I immediately feel underdressed. All the others wear elaborate costumes of fine silks and masks of gold and bronze. I can recognize no one. I look down at my own, hand made red dress, the finest thing I have. A painful feeling swells inside me. Despite all the hours I spent making the dress, all the time Roseanne and I put into teaching me grace, all the savings I spent on my cheap, useless cosmetics, I still look like a commoner among these fine people. I pull my own, false gold mask over my face and cast my eyes down.
There is little to do for a girl such as me, with no connections to any of the wealthy people in society. I stand alone, trying to decide if I should tell Roseanne the truth about how awful this night is. It seems that Edmond indeed invited only the very rich of the town. This is only the more reason for me to wonder why he would invite me. I scan the hall with my eyes, wondering where he could be. I catch my own mistake.
Do not be so foolish, now, I think to myself. Why would he be looking for me? He is probably off with his important guests, not thinking about me in the least. So I certainly should not think about him. Certainly do not be sad he is not here…
I linger near the empty stairwell for some time, watching happy people dance by. I begin to think how similar this night is to the rest of my life. No matter how pretty I look, I will always be watching the more fortunate dance around me while I sit alone, waiting for some one who will never come.
I can see the beautiful women look down upon me. Their eyes size me up. Breaking me down. It all begins to fall into place. A reason that I am invited comes to me in a flash. Perhaps this is all a cruel joke to him, sending me here as a reminder of my place in society.
You think I could have affections for you, a lowly common girl?
As if I could forget. I look at myself and realize I must look like a dull spot on an otherwise perfect jewel. This must be what he meant for me to see. I hold back hot tears and turn to leave.
There is a strong hand on my shoulder then. I turn, trying to hide the welling tears.
A man, a very handsome, familiar man, stands behind me. He wears a mask of black, covering most of the top half of his face, tall black boots, black trousers, a white billowing shirt, a flowing cape. A sword hangs from the sheath at his belt. He looks like a real pirate. He bows low, "may I have this dance?" I stand there foolishly for a moment, trying to realize whom he is and why he would possibly want to dance with me. Unable to place him, I take his arm, thinking I will soon recognize him. The music begins to play, slow and foreign. The man takes my waist with gloved hands. Then we are dancing.
We waltz in silence for some time. There is something about this man I trust. I feel right in his arms, a strange feeling I have only had when I was near…
"What brings you here tonight, miss?" He asks, interrupting my thoughts.
I try to remember exactly what brought me here. I have lost most of my thoughts. "A most rude man invited me for reasons I think I will never know. He is far too arrogant to have done it out of pity." I smile unconsciously at the thought of him.
"Ah," the mysterious man says quietly, "and how would he feel if he were to hear all this?"
A strange question; think for a moment, trying to imagine what Edward would say. I accidentally think, though, that we would be dancing if he were here right now. The thought of being so close to him again distracts me. It is a moment before I can answer. "I would think he would reply with one of his all too witty comments." I say after a moment of silence. "I truly think he loathes me more than I him, if that is possible." I am surprised I feel comfortable enough to tell this man everything in my head.
The man is silent for a moment. Perhaps he is thinking. "I think you're wrong."
I stare at him. "What?"
"You're wrong." He says casually. "I can tell by everything you have said. This man scorns you, yes?" I nod." Yet he has invited you here tonight and has not yet attempted to humiliate you. No, this is not the hatred it appears to be."
The man's mouth is at my ear. An all too familiar prickle runs down my spine when I feel his hot breath on my face. "Have you ever noticed how often loathing masks love?"
I look at him, trying to remember who has told me that before. Suddenly the entire world stops. I look behind the mask, into the eyes of the strange man. I see they are beautiful green, with flecks of gold. Slowly, I reach up and remove his mask. Edmond smiles back at me. He has known all this time, of course, just another humiliating plan.
"How long did you really think I could go without seeing you?" He asks playfully, still smiling. I look away in embarrassment. I turn from him and storm out the doors, into the decorated courtyard in to the warm October night. I tear off my masks and throw it to the ground, the tears returning again. Edmond follows.
"Wait, Ana, please don't be angry." He calls. His tone has changed, not mocking but… remorseful. His hand on my shoulder stops me. He turns me to face him and I cannot look away from his eyes. The courtyard, which looked so lovely before, is now dull in comparison to Edmond's sorrowful but still beautiful face.
I muster up all the rage that has been growing inside me. "Angry? How can I not be angry?" I scream, just as loud as I can. "You pretend to be some one I trust so I will admit my feelings for you. Have I not made it clear just how much I loathe you? Can you not get in into your thick, arrogant head? I thought you loathed me too. You, you soulless monster!"
I am barely in control of my own body any more. Against my will, I move my hand in an attempt to strike him. Edmond’s reflexes are far too quick for that. He catches my arm an inch from his face. We stare at one another for a moment, rage in my eyes, sorrow in his, both verging on tears. Then he moves his hand into mine. I try to calm myself, though my head is spinning from his touch. "Why else would you bring me here to be humiliated?"
He drops my hand. "You think I invited you here to humiliate you?" Edmond's voice is quiet. His brow furrows. "Ana, I invited you because I needed to speak with you, face to face. This whole party was for you. I helped your friend for you. I knew you would not talk to me any other way and I needed to see you so badly. I needed to know your feelings."
I am in shock. This is the last thing I expected. Edmond does not notice my confusion. He continues. "I am sorry for deceiving you. I take full responsibility for my actions before. But I simply cannot turn away, no matter how badly I want to hate you I cannot. Please," his eyes are pleading. "Try to understand what this has been like for me. I foolishly ruined our relationship before I even knew you. I was not ready to accept what happened. But now I know I am willing to lose everything to be with you. Even if I endanger you by taking you into my life I cannot turn away."
"I do not know what to make of you Edmond." I say furiously. "You tempt and scorn me so yet you want to see more of me. Now you speak of all this about endangering me and losing everything? Why?"
My voice breaks on the last word. One angry tear escapes my eye and runs down my cheek. Edmond brushes it away, his hand lingering on my face. I reach up to push him away but I cannot. In spite of everything, I want it there.
"Ana," he takes both my hands in his, "I want to tell you everything, but I would lose you if I did, and I cannot lose you." He takes a deep breath, as if he is still undecided about something, "because I love you.”
I stare at him but Edmond continues, allowing the words to flow together. "I love you; I need you more than anything in the world. I do not know how to explain my former actions. You would not believe me if I did. All you need to know is how much I love you. Please, please tell me you need me too."
The Edmond who stands before me, his face glowing with the excitement but also fear, is not the same man who teased and scorned me. He is not the man I have been warned to stay away from, not the one I once wished to curse to the fiery pits of hell. I realize how wrong I was in reading his emotions, as well as my own. Everything I have thought for as long as I have known him bursts from me in only three words.
"I love you, too."
Then, without warning, he kisses me. His hands drop to my waist, mine in his hair. Edmond's warm lips leave my mouth, move to the hollow of my throat, hunt up my neck to my ear.
"Come with me." He whispers, taking my hand. We run back through the crowds, too busy looking at each other to see the curious eyes follow us or hear the gossiping whispers. We laugh for no reason as we race up the staircase into the hall.
In the dark hallway outside his room, Edmond stops, pinning me against the wall, kissing me again. He picks me up, never taking his lips away from mine cradles me in his arms. Edmond carries me through the door, thrusts me on to the bed. I reach out for him, pulling his shirt over his head, throwing it aside. He is down now on the bed with me, my gown so suddenly gone. His hands are soft on my skin. Edmond cups my face to his, move his hands down to my chest, feels the curve of my waist, traces the shape of my thigh. I am entangled, entwined, lost in the feeling of being with him in ways like never before. I am locked to him, never wanting to be anywhere else.
I rest beside him, trembling despite the heat from the hearth, the sea breeze coming in through the window, and Edmond's warm presence beside me. My quakes are not unnoticed.
"You're shaking my love." Edmond remarks, sounding genuinely concerned.
I pull myself closer to him, twisting into his arms. I look up into his eyes. "I'm all right."
Edmond smiles a soft smile and gently presses his lips to my hair. "I would ask why, but I believe I already know."
I sigh. "I just, I just never thought this would ever happen."
I can see he understands. "Neither did I. Even when I was thinking of telling you my feelings, I never thought…"
"I mean, I had never.." I trail off, but Edmond understands.
"I know." He whispers, kissing my forehead.
I sigh, knowing this was coming. "You have." I say. It is not a question. I simply know.
Edmond sighs, a truly sorrowful sigh. "Yes," he sighs, it is very quiet. He seems to want to say more, but holds whatever it is back. "Yes."
"I thought so." I sigh.
Edmond sees the effect of what he said has on me. "But," he adds, "no one ever has struck me as you have. From the first moment I saw you, I knew you would be different." He whispers in my ear, "and you are."
I ponder this, not wanting to go back to the discussion of virtue, his or mine. "I still do not quite understand that. You could have any woman you want, and probably have, but you chose me. Am I really so interesting?"
Edmond is smiling again. ""You do not see yourself very clearly, do you?" He props himself up on his elbow. "Do you realize just how appealing you are to me?" Do you know how very different you are from any other woman in the world?" I scoff involuntarily. "It's true, Ana," he assures me, turning me so I can see the truth in his eyes. "You are the most beautiful woman in the entire world. You are the only person, man or woman, who has ever beaten me in a match of wills. You are strong and witty and intelligent and..." he trails off, brushing a lock of hair from my face. "And that is not even the soul reason for my love for you."
I am curious now. "What is the soul reason, then?" I ask, settling in against his chest.
Edmond pauses, thoughtful. "You are so much like the sea."
I turn and give him an odd look. "The sea?"
"Yes, the sea. You are beautiful and unpredictable and..." he trails off, realizing what he means to say. He wraps his arms around me and rests his head on my shoulder. "You are like the sea because I love you when you're stormy. I love you when you rage and scream at me because I know we will make it through. I love you enough to fight through the storms and I am willing to work if it means I can see you calm and smooth. If I do not give up, I will see you sparkle again."
"You know most girls would take offense, being compared to the sea"
"Hmm..." Edmond murmurs into my hair.
"But not me."
Edmond turns me around to face him, surprised. "Not you?"
"No, not me." I smile. "Because you are my ship. I feel like with you I can do anything when I am with you. You unbind me and liberate my heart. You are my escape, my freedom."
Edmond's smile grows larger, playful. "You think I am your ship?" He surprises me by getting up, kneeling on the bed, bringing me up with him. He pulls the blankets tightly around us and wraps his arms around me. His tone is playful. "Then I am your ship. Take me then, my sea. Take me where no one has gone. We can battle every storm together. I will go wherever you take me, but I cannot go alone."
He kisses me strongly and we fall backwards together, a fit of happy laughter almost overcoming me. Edmond wrestles me playfully around the bed until we are lying on our sides, smiling back at each other. He quickly kisses my forehead, my eyelids, my cheeks, my nose, then harder on my mouth. Then he pulls away, suddenly serious.
"And how far would you go to recover a ship which was lost?"
This is a very strange question; the very thought of losing Edmond breaks my heart. "Well I would hope never to lose you. I would certainly die if you were lost from me forever."
He looks so deeply into my eyes that I believe he can see into my soul. "No," he whispers, putting a finger to my lips. "Nothing can be lost forever."
I smile, feeling assured, and curl up against his chest. "Then if a ship was lost, temporarily of course, I would do anything to bring it back to me. I would cross the stormiest oceans and trek the hottest deserts. I would climb the tallest mountains and hike the lowest valleys." I kiss his hard chest, move my lips to his throat, his chin, and back to his lips. I pull away, looking into his glorious green eyes. "I would go to the ends of the Earth to bring you back to me."
Edmond presses his lips to my forehead. I giggle. He sighs. "I cannot be worth that."
"What?" I am utterly surprised by this. "You obviously do not see yourself clearly either. Edmond, I would kill for you. I would die for you."
"NO!" I hardly have the last word out before he cuts in with a burst of emotion. He seems to calm himself quickly. "No. I see myself more clearly than anyone. That is why I would never have you risk your life for me. I am not always your savior. Someday, I may be the danger."
"No," I insist quietly, although this whole conversation is making me very uncomfortable, he needs to know this. "No matter what happens later in this life, you are my savior. You have saved me in every way some one can be saved. Whatever peril lies ahead, the danger will never be you."
"Thank you." He whispers, clearly as ready to end this discussion as I am. Edmond rolls on to his back, taking me with him and wrapping his arms around me.
After a long time of saying nothing, Edmond breaks the silence. "What are you thinking?" He asks genuinely.
I sigh. "I'm thinking how I envy you, Edmond." I say quietly. "You are really free. If you wanted to, you could ride off in any ship and never look back on this dismal town.
I catch myself too late, realizing what my own words mean. If this is true, Edmond would leave me behind. But he laughs without humor. "It's not so easy now. Do you honestly think I could ever willingly leave you? Wherever you go I am bound."
I do not like the way this sounds, like Edmond has given up his freedom just for me. "I don't want to bind you." I say apologetically.
Edmond smiles unexpectedly. "Oh, but you do not understand. I want to be bound." His arms form a tight lock around me and he kisses my neck between words. "For there would be no finer shackles than your hands in mine, no better cell than the locked cage of your arms. Ana, no freedom would be better than that."
I do not know what possesses me to say the next hurtful things that come from my mouth. "But the world is so uncertain. How can I know nothing will take you away?"
A great look of sorrow comes over his face. I instantly regret my words. "The world is uncertain. And, as much as it pains me to even think it, there is no way to promise that I will always be right beside you. But you will never fight another battle alone. You will never have to be afraid because our love is more certain than anything. The only thing in the world I am sure of is my love for you, and that cannot be wrong. You wont ever be alone again, because I will always love you.
Edmond takes my hand in his and places it on his chest. I touch something cold. The gold chain of Edmond's locket still hangs around his neck. I trace the chain down to the beautiful gold oval pendant at the base of his perfectly sculpted chest. Edmond does not notice. He silently runs his fingers through my hair.
There is nothing more to say. Edmond begins to hum a haunting, unfamiliar sea song in his beautiful voice. I feign a slumber, not wanting to waste the night with sleep. Eventually the humming stops, Edmond drifts off. I watch him sleep for some time, content just to watch him breathe in and our through his slightly parted mouth; my sleeping angel. As I slip into subconscious, the notes of the song and Edmond's even breathing linger in my mind and I think there is no sweeter sound.
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