Savior

In one of my personal favorite chapters, Ana becomes very indebted to Edmond, and almost pays him back...

Savior

 

            Roseanne's words burn in my mind, as do Edmond's. Why would he help her? He must not have known she is my friend. What kind of man goes around helping prostitutes for no reason? Is he really so evil? How could a man so cruel to me be so kind to strangers?
            I am preoccupied all the way home. It is very dark on the path. Thousands of stars glow above me. Only one light is lit at our house up the road. I trudge through the door. Aunt Marian waits for me, looking aggravated. "That took two hours?" she asks, clearly irritated.
            I decide to lie my way out of it. "The order was not in yet." I respond. "It took some time. You got supper on your own."
            She sighs. "Yes, I did. But Ana, you have been acting so strange lately. I think I know why. Sit down." I sit in the nearest chair instantly after she gives the order. "Listen to me Ana, I wish I would have listened to Lydia when she told me to stay. She recognized an unhealthy love. I recognize it now, too." She places her hand firmly on my shoulder. "Ana, this relationship you have with this man, it is an unhealthy love."
            I stutter mindlessly. "Do not fight me, Ana. I do not want this to turn into another quarrel, but I know there is no other explanation for your strange behavior."
            "Aunt, I..."
            "Have you been with him lately?" She demands.
            I sigh, she knows, even if it is a half truth. "Yes, Aunt Marian, I was with him tonight."
            She sighs, clearly disappointed in me. "Ana, I know what you are feeling. I have been in your position. I know how difficult it is, but if you do not end this now you will regret it for the rest of your life, just like me. I do want you to be trapped. You have all the life I wanted. Please do not throw that away."
            I cannot fight her anymore. "All right, Aunt Marian," I sigh, trying to appear remorseul. "I will end things with Edmond." I turn and leave for my room.
            "Edmond? Edmond?" She seems confused. Understanding suddenly dances across her face. "Edmond LeDego, the rich man who bought the mansion." I silently curse myself for letting that slip out.
            I turn, unable to deny it. "Yes, Aunt Marian, but do not worry. We actually ended things tonight. He is quite the boar. You are right about men like him. He will probably be gone within a week."
            "Well good. Men of his sort will never stay. This was clearly much more serious than I imagined. You are sure it is over?"
            "Yes, Aunt Marian. Now may I please go to bed? I am very tired." She motions with her hand, excusing me. I dress for bed and fall asleep deeply, trying very hard not to think of Edmond, not wanting to bring on anymore dreams, nightmares, I would call them. Instead, I focus on Aunt Marian's speech. I feel mildly insulted that she believes she knows what I am feeling right now. Nobody knows my feelings, not even myself.
            None the less, I wake in the morning gasping for Edmond again, though the dream remains hazy. A soft sunlight streams in though my window, a beautiful day. I immediately plot ways to escape the house. The cove will be beautiful today.
            I need not plot, though. At breakfast, Aunt Marian announces she must attend to a friend on the other side of the island and will not return until sundown. I cannot believe my luck. I swear, lying, that I will not leave the house.
            When I can see her no more down the road, I begin to run. There is a part if the wall near our house that is crumbling and not very steep. Since my earliest days here I have reserved the most beautiful days to spend at the secret, nearby cove inside a cave I discovered long ago. I fumble down the rocks and break into a run as I near the cove.
            I slow down as I reach the cave which contains my cove. The crystal water reflects on the walls and turns the whole cave a deep blue. The walls of the cave are slick and water drips from the ceiling. I stop at the place where the water becomes deeper and wider.
            Slowly, I strip off all my clothes. If Aunt Marian found anything wet she would surely suspect. I leave my dress on a relatively dry rock and leap into the water. It is cool and surrean. I float about in the water for hours, forgetting all the unpleasantness of yesterday, totally losing track of the time.
            I do not notice the slowly rising tide until it become evident just how high I am. I am unreasonably close to the ceiling. Realizing how late it is and how much the tide has already come in, I try to swim out of the cave. But the current pushes me back. I am floating higher and higher. There is no way to escape. I take one last, frantic breath above the surface before the water completely consumes the cave.
            I cannot breathe. I fight to get out but the current pushes me back. My mind becomes foggy. Thoughts are fading, as is my sight. I think I am dying. I know I am dying. I hear a muffled splash, which may be far in the distance or right next to me. I cannot tell. I do not care. I let the water into my throat, giving up my last gleam of hope with my last gleam of light. The last thought before I slip into oblivion is Edmond's smiling face. Strong arms pull me away, the arms of an angel, taking me to heaven. Blackness consumes me. My angel and I float away.
            But the murky water is thinning and muffled light breaks through my darkness. I think I can almost breathe. A sensation that I am no longer floating comes over me. I am laying on dry ground, the heat of the rocks feels strange on my skin. I have not yet died. But the angel is still holding me in its arms, calling me now in its beautiful voice.
            "Ana? Ana? Say something Ana." It begs. "Please Ana, please, say something." The hands of the angel brush my face. "No Ana, stay here, stay with me, please." Panic grows in his voice. The angel should not be afraid. It is wrong. Cool angel hands press down on my chest, sending the water out of my throat. I choke and gasp, but I breathe.
            "Oh, Ana, I thought you were gone. I thought I lost you." He sighs with relief, cradling me to his chest. Seconds which feel like hours pass before I can open my eyes. The bright sunshine in the west almost blinds me as it creates a halo of gold around my angel, so beautiful he cannot be human. But as my consciousness returns to me, I realize the man is human, he is Edmond, holding me protectively in his arms. I am still naked.
            "Edmond." His name is all I can think, all I can say in this moment of confusion and conflict. "Edmond, Edmond, oh, Edmond."
            "Shh.. shh.. Ana. You’re safe now, you're safe with me. I press my face to his bare chest. He puts a hand to my cheek and tilts my face to his, capturing me with his eyes. "You're always safe with me."
            That is all I need. I throw my arms around Edmond's neck and bring my mouth to his. There is no part of me that thinks about it, the action seems so natural. There is no part of me that does not want it.
            There is no part of me that does not realize that Edmond kisses me back.
            Edmond's hands brush from my back to my bare shoulders. His fingers trace up my neck. He holds my face in his hands as he shifts us, moving so he holds his body above me, pressing me into the rock. I feel the flexed, rippling muscles of his back under my hands. I feel light headed and lose my breath feeling the soft pressure of his hands on my breasts. I break away for air his warm lips trail to my throat. Fire shoots through my veins where his warm lips meet my skin.
            But in all of this, something nags at my mind, mentally pulling me from Edmond for just a moment. For all the feelings in me telling me that this is right, there is one tiny voice in my head, nearly drowned out by the roar of passion within me. It tells me I am wrong, and the farther I feel myself falling into him, the louder it becomes. I cannot drown it out much longer. Rationality screams at me. I know better than this. I don't know his feelings. I don't even know my own feelings. I know despite this that if I could, I would go as far as I could with Edmond. This thought breaks through the feverish fog in my mind. In that one moment of clarity, I am flung back into reality. I can't do this. This is Edmond. This is wrong. The voice inside of me breaks its barrier.
            My eyes fly open "No." I breathe. Edmond is poised above me, as if preparing to return his lips to mine, his eyes suddenly full of a strange emotion. My newfound concious reminds me to be ashamed. I am naked. He is half so. I cover my mouth and push him off me. 'Oh God." I say, shaking my head. "Oh..oh God.. I… what…"
            "Shh.. Ana calm down. I.."
            "No!" I cry, trying to cover myself. "Edmond.. I.. I'm.."
            He bites his lip and looks down, color rising in his cheeks, as if reality has set in on him as well. Edmond hands his discarded shirt to me, obviously embarassed now as well. I pull it on, glad to find that that it covers at least the top part of my legs.
            "Edmond," I began again, trying to sound more controlled than I am. "How could.. why.." I realize that is all I have to say. "Why?"
            He does not look away again. He faces me with a pained look in his eyes. "I don't know. I don't know what.." He looks down again. "I'm sorry."
            He shouldn't apologize, I realize. It was really my fault. I feel shamed, shamed enough to attack him in order to unload it.
    “Sorry.” I say. “Sorry, is that all you have to say? You think that will make this any better?”
    “Ana, I…”
    “No! You have experience in this sort of thing. You know I do not, how could you…”
    “How could I what?” He is angry now as well. “How could I save your life, how could I let a beautiful woman kiss me?” No time to think about that remark. “I don’t know why I bothered watching you.” He spits the words at me, then inhales sharply, knowing he has said too much.
            "You were watching me." My tone is enraged, but surprisingly calm. He looks away. "Why were you watching me?"
            His voice is ashamed. "You captured my interest. I saw you leave when I was down at the docks this morning. I could not resist. When I did not see you return, I went after you."
            My tone is still enraged. "Why?"
            He cannot stop now. "I don't know. I could not stop myself. I just… I just wanted to see you."
            "But you hate me." I say, speaking my mind too quickly. It sounds like a question. I am so confused.
            He seems to become angrier. I have upset him, "Can you not just be grateful? You would be dead if it were not for me. Why must you question me? God, Ana, why must you be so unpredictable."
            I cannot help myself, I want to hurt him, "Then do you regret saving me?"
            Softness comes to his eyes, which I have never seen before, a look of pain. The hard shell of his mask has been broken.             "Why would I regret? You may be the most stubborn, wicked girl I have ever known, but I would never see you dead, not on my hands.” He stands and turns away from me. "You think you know me, but first impressions are not accurate. Affection can mask hate and loathing can mask love." He looks down on me with contempt. "Though my judgment of you seems to be correct: immature, petty, and naive. You say I am proud, but I am not the one who holds a grudge against my savior."
            He turns from me and begins to stalk away. "You do not understand. You are not my savior. True, you saved my body, but my soul is still forever changed because of you."
            At the mention of a soul, Edmond stops and stiffens. When he halts, I am afraid he may turn and continue his rage. But, without looking back, he quietly says. "Mine as well. I suppose we have one thing in common." Then he is gone, breaking into a run. I lie on the rocks, watching him run out of my life.
            I look about in search of something to wear, finally able to think rationally, now that he is gone. My clothes are surely washed away by now. I shiver when the light breeze passes me. Evening is falling already. The sky is already a light purple. Aunt Marian will be home soon. Unable to think, only act, I run.
            I make it back in little time. If I strain, I can see Aunt Marian coming up the road. I race inside and into my room. I pull off Edmond's shirt and toss it in my drawer before pulling on a dress of my own and tie back my wet hair. All this happens in a matter of seconds before I sprint out to the sitting room and pick up my mending, just as my aunt walks through the door.
            "Oh hello, Aunt Marian, how was your day?" I try to sound casual, but there is an edge I sense in my tone.
If my aunt hears it, she takes no notice. "Ana, please, I have an aching head, it was a very long day and I would appreciate it if you left me alone."
            Again, I cannot believe my luck. "Of course," I say solemnly and walk to my room.
            I know sleep will not come easily tonight. I lie in my bed, trying to put thoughts of Edmond from my mind. I should not have blamed him. I feel awful. I know it was my fault. He did nothing but react to what I did. But why did he kiss me back. Why was he watching me at all? He said I captured his interest. Why? What change occurred?
            How far would I have gone if reality had not assailed me?
            I know the answer to that question. I shudder with some unknown emotion at the thought of what might have happened. I would have been beyond the reach of reason then. I would have never come back.
            I wonder briefly if that would be better than this.
            I cannot think of this anymore. I close my eyes and drift into dreams, a place I pray Edmond will not find me, yet somehow hope he does.