Herschel's Log - Entry Six.

Herschel’s Log

December 17, 1943

It’s been two days since Peter shot a Nazi named Philipp Hochberg. Things have started to calm down a bit. The soldiers are back on their normal runs. They only kept the ghetto on lockdown for a few hours, and they stopped the random raids by the end of the first day. We were lucky. They didn’t find anything, and they didn’t kill anyone. Sometimes they kill someone, when they see signs of rebellion, just to remind us who’s in charge. Erich says we’ve got them spooked, that Dietrich doesn’t know how many guns we got. I don’t know if I like that. He could change his plans if he knows something bad is brewing.

I have to do something about Peter. I’m convinced he and Erich might kill each other if I leave them in a room together. I don’t want them working against each other, but what can I do? The Resistance is as much Peter’s as it is mine, and I can’t blame him for not trusting Erich. What he said to Erich was true: the men in his unit did what they were told in the first liquidation, whether they wanted to or not. I’m not saying I believe that Erich would help with the killing if Dietrich ordered him to do it today. But if we weren’t here, or if Erich was somewhere else, a different ghetto or a camp �" I guess I don’t know. I think �" If the question is whether Erich is fundamentally different from the men who would kill us, all I’m saying is that Peter might not be wrong

The problem is the whole confrontation could have been avoided, I think. Peter came clean to Rebecca and me the day after he shot the soldier. He told us why he really killed him. The German never even saw Peter. He was pointing the gun at Gabe. Peter shot Hochberg, not to protect himself, not even in his own best interest. He did it to prevent Gabe from being captured.

It was in defense of the Resistance, he said. They would have questioned Gabe, and he might have given something up. But I know he meant to save Gabe. Peter speaks really fondly of him now, like a kid brother. He assigned Gabe to the butcher shop roof for the fighting, about the safest spot you could be. He was showing Gabe how to hide under the floor when the German found them. Peter was looking out for him. I know he was.

But here is the problem: Peter didn’t say any of that to Erich. He has grasped how important Gabe is to Erich (how could you not?), but Peter does not understand Erich well enough. He didn’t want Erich to know Gabe was involved at all. He thought Erich would be angry to know Peter had put Gabe in danger. He was right. Erich would have been furious. But if Erich would be glad Hochberg was dead, if he knew. If Erich knew a soldier pointed a gun at Gabe, he would want that soldier dead. Peter couldn’t have known how single-mindedly passionate Erich was about keeping Gabe safe.

Unfortunately, Gabe couldn’t tell Erich either. The poor kid was nearly catatonic when Peter brought him in. He hardly said anything for hours. Turns out Peter had to shoot the soldier right in front of him, and he had to help drag the body away from the butcher shop. It was too much for Gabe. I know he’s seen death before. I know his boy in Italy killed himself; Rebecca told me. But I don’t think Gabe had ever seen anything so violent so close. He stayed with us last night, though he is back at Peter’s tonight. Rebecca brought him his violin yesterday, and after he had played for a while he was more himself. He prays all the time, Gabe. I could hear him whispering to himself at night, and every time I turned around he was turning that rosary over in his hand.

Anyway, progress with the Resistance has slowed down, since everyone was scared to leave their homes for a while. I told Erich to stop bringing in guns until the smoke clears. He is risking so much right now. I don’t want to think about what Dietrich would do if he found out Erich has been aiding us. I want to keep him safe. The last think I want is for Erich to hurt himself trying to help us. And another thing: he’s got a friend on the inside, a doctor who figured it all out somehow. I was angry when he told me. If this doctor could figure it out, how do we know Dietrich doesn’t know too? But the doctor wants to pass us medical supplies. Some antibiotics will save more of us than a hundred guns. I know how much danger I am putting Erich in, but I could not turn him down. I didn’t tell Peter.

Peter is keeping a low profile, working from home. He went out tonight, though. The two of us are going down into the tunnels to survey the damage the soldiers did when they found the network. We need to figure out how to open up the old exit. It will be the only way to get everyone out while the fighting is going on. We should have taken a look at it weeks ago. Peter was dying to get out of the shop, so I said I would go with him. I suppose that means Gabe will be alone tonight. That might not be a good thing.

It’s getting late. I had better go meet Peter. I’m leaving Rebecca here with Jim, even though they’re sleeping together again and haven’t told me. I am not even sure why I know. She touched his arm a few days ago. His shirt was buttoned wrong yesterday. Small things. They will tell me in their own time. He is better for her than Peter was. I don’t know why I cared so much back in England. Did I really have nothing else to worry about?

I don’t remember who I was there. I wish I did. I really wish I did.