Erich - Twenty One

Erich

            That was first time I lost a fight with Gabe. It didn’t occur to me until years later. But it was true. That morning on the stairs was the first time I ever admitted defeat in front of him. I rarely admitted I was wrong. Being wrong was almost as bad as losing a real fight. But that day I realized I had spent my entire life being horribly wrong.

            I always think that I maybe could have gotten away from him if he hadn’t let me leave. If he had kept blocking my way I would have eventually gotten angry enough to knock him down. But Gabe told me to go. I know he only stood aside because he was really admitting defeat. He didn’t know that I would never be able to walk away from him. I didn’t even know I would never be able to walk away from him. But I just couldn’t do it.

            All the conflict in my head crashed around until I couldn’t even move. I had one more chance to make the right choice. All I could do was say his name over and over. I think the sound of his name was what made me choose what I chose. I just thought about everything that name meant to me. “Gabe.” The one who knew everything about me. “Gabe.” The best friend I had ever had. “Gabe.” The only person in the world who had ever risked his life for mine.

            “Gabriel.” The boy who I never wanted to leave.

            I couldn’t hold it in anymore. I looked up at Gabe with a tear slipping down his cheek. A look of defeated disappointment in his big green eyes. I lost control. For the first time in my life I let go of every voice in my head except my own. All I wanted in the world was to be with Gabe.

            I was too jumbled to say any of that. As usual my body took over before my brain could. Honestly I don’t think my brain was working at all when I kissed him. There was such a rush running through me I only actually remember bits of that kiss on the steps. I remember Gabe kept pulling away and looking at me. Like he expected me to come to my senses. I remember that he just kept crying and I kept trying to wipe the tears off his face with my thumb. I remember how it felt to press Gabe’s wet body against mine. I don’t remember when the rain started though. I just know that suddenly we were soaking wet and Gabe was asking me to go with him to Heathshire. I know I meant it when I told him yes.

            He kissed me again when I told him to ask Hersch and Jim to come too. That was when I realized he was shivering. He hadn’t changed out of his clothes from the night before. The rain had soaked him through. I grabbed his hand and pulled him down the stairs and back inside.

            I couldn’t keep my hands off him once we were on the other side of the door. I felt like I was making up for a whole semester of temptation I had repressed. Gabe smiling. Gabe holding my hand. Gabe with his undershirt clinging to his chest. I pulled him back over to me. Ran my fingers through his wet hair. I wanted to bruise his lips again. Gabe kissed just my bottom lip and pressed his forehead to mine. Laughing.

            We were being too reckless. I know that now. We could have been arrested if anyone saw us. I’m not sure what Jim said that made me realize he was there. I was just suddenly aware that we were being watched. I sprang away from Gabe. My survival instinct kicked in and I prepared to knock out anyone who had seen us.

            Hersch and Jim and Rebecca were all watching us from down the hall. Obviously I couldn’t fight them. But I didn’t know what else to do. I looked to Gabe for some sign of what to do. He would be better at this. But he looked just as shocked as I was. He just stood there in a puddle. Looking up at the ceiling and covering his swollen mouth. I stared at my shoes and scratched nervously at the back of my neck. Too much time had passed. I had to say something.

            “We were, um... Gabe and I, just - you know - we were...” I knew there wasn’t a lie in the world to get me out of this one.

            “I want you to come to Yorkshire!” Gabe blurted. All four of us gaped at him. I couldn’t believe he had managed to come up with anything to say. The idea clearly hadn’t occurred to any of them either. I noticed Jim and Rebecca were holding hands. They must have told Hersch. The fact that Jim was still alive told me that Hersch was probably all right with it. Gabe must have realized the same thing. “You three, you're the closest thing to family I have left," Gabe added sadly. "Please, there’s plenty of room at Heathshire for all of us. I mean, no one wants to go home, right?”

            Jim’s eyes were on the ceiling. I finally got that he was trying to to look at us. He wasn’t comfortable with seeing Gabe and me together at all. “Are you two....” he pointed two fingers in our direction. Not one of us was willing to finish that sentence. Jim tried again. “Are you two...”

            Rebecca fixed him before I had to punch him. “James!” she smacked him on the chest. Jim shut up. She looked anxiously at Hersch. “What do you think, Herschel?”

            We all knew this was really Hersch’s decision. Whether I liked it or not he was the real center of the group. Rebecca and Jim would do whatever he said. Hersch looked at the floor and shook his head for a second. Not a promising sign. But then he lifted his head and smiled.

            “You’re right,” he nodded. “No one wants to go home.”

            Rebecca let out an excited squeal. She was obviously feeling a little emotional today. She squeezed Jim’s hand and hugged Hersch around the neck. Then she dashed forward to throw her arms around Gabe. Those two really were good friends. I was the one she had trouble with. When she let go of Gabe she extended a brave hand to me.

            “Don’t ever hurt him again,” she purred threateningly. I nodded immediately. I couldn't imagine hurting Gabe again. And I really believed that she would come after me if I did. Hell, did Jim ever have his hands full. I didn’t get a chance to answer because Hersch and Jim had reached us by then. They slapped me on the back and gave Gabe encouraging nudges in the ribs. We wouldn’t talk about what they clearly knew had happened between Gabe and me. But if they had agreed to come with they must have been all right with it.

            The door behind us swung open again. Jim laughed out loud. I didn’t understand why until I realized it was the very same prefect who had showed us to our rooms on that first day. He looked as uptight as ever.

            “Oi, you’re soaking wet!”

            “Are they?” Jim asked sarcastically. Hersch smacked him on the back of the head.

            “Don’t get smart with me, Banhart. Get in your uniforms, you two! You’re late for your dorm photo.”

            “Dorm photo?”

            The prefect nodded. “On the lawn in two minutes. It is just the four of you, isn’t it, your dorm?”

            “That’s us all right,” Jim still sounded sarcastic. The prefect gave us a disapproving look and went back out the door.

            “All right, you heard the man. Gabe and Erich, go find your uniforms,” Hersch ordered. I groaned. I had happily taken off my uniform off. I thought it would be the last time I would have to wear the goddamn thing. I did want to get out of my wet clothes though. Jim and Hersch were already dressed. Though they looked a little shabby. Why was Jim only wearing one shoe? Gabe rolled his eyes and we made our way back to the dorm.

            I dried off with a towel and got dressed in my usual corner behind the bunk. “I can’t find my other pants.” When I looked over I saw Gabe halfway inside his trunk. He was stripped down to his underwear. “These ones are stained.” The overwhelming urge to make up for lost time took over me again. I kept myself rooted on the spot only out of fear that Hersch or Jim would come in.

            Gabe found the pants and pulled them on. When he looked up he noticed how I was looking at him. He bit his lip to hold back a smile. That only made him look better. The fear of being seen wasn’t enough to keep me away from him anymore. I pulled Gabe over to me and kissed him hard. I could feel him smiling under my lips. When he pushed me away he was beaming. I pressed my lips to his forehead.

“I’m going to miss this place,” he said quietly.

            I nodded into his hair. “I know.” This would always be the place where it all started. The place I had first seen his face. Where we had drank and smoked into friendship. When we had slept together. A part of me wanted to back to the first day and do it again. By now I could barely remember a time when I actually managed to fight the way I felt about Gabe. “Come on,” he picked up his shirt and vest off the bed, “we don’t want them to wonder what we’re doing in here.” Gabe finished getting dressed. He considered bringing his trunk up but decided to come back for it. He did grab his violin though. On the way out I grabbed my stupid newsboy hat off the table and dropped it on his head. It looked better on him.

            Hersch and Jim were waiting for us on the lawn. Outside the rain had stopped as quickly as it had started. I dragged my trunk behind me. I had left it on the top stair. “Where’s Rebecca?” Gabe asked.

            “She went up to get her things.” The West Block dorm was just dispersing from their photo. All four of us exchanged smug looks with the Wankers. There was no question of who had come out on top of that rivalry.

            The professor with the camera looked up from his clipboard. “All right, can I have the Main Hall dorm?” I didn’t realize we had a real name. The four of us stepped up. “Is this it?” he asked disbelievingly. “Just the four of you?”

            I snorted. “‘Is this it?’” The four of us felt bigger than any dorm in the world.

            “We’re not just a dorm!” Hersch objected.

            Gabe smirked. “We’re the bloody Sons of Thunder!”

            I squeezed his shoulder. Jim and Hersch broke out laughing. The professor was not amused. He rolled his eyes. “Well, set up here then. Here, just sit on the trunk.” I went to the base of the oak tree and dropped my trunk. Gabe and Jim sat on it and Hersch and I stood behind them. The professor set up his camera. He didn’t seem too interested in us. “Ready? Three, two, one...”

            On ‘one,’ a few things happened at the same time. I wrapped my arm around Gabe’s neck and put my head on his shoulder. To anyone else I figured we would look like close friends. No one was watching anyway. Gabe turned to look at me with happiness and awe in his eyes. I snapped my head towards the camera with a very real smile on my face. At the same time, Rebecca came out the door with a suitcase in her hand. Jim’s face lit up and he stood up and waved to signal her. Hersch looked at Gabe and I and shook his head but at the same time reached out to smack Jim for ruining the picture. Then the flash went off and captured that one second when we all lost focus.

            That was the first picture of the four of us. In five minutes, we would all believe it was the only picture that would ever be taken of the four of us. For years I wanted nothing more than to see that picture. When I finally did I was struck by how badly it represented our time at Wellington’s. For most of the term we had been angry and sad and scared. Even though we had each other. But that picture held onto the one moment when we were all impossibly happy.

            It was also the last moment before the world shattered again.

            The professor sighed and walked away from us as soon as the flash died. Jim bounded towards Rebecca. Hersch sat down on the trunk and sighed. Gabe got up. “I have to go back for my trunk,” he said to me.

            “Come back quick. We’ll have to take the bus out of here,” Hersch commented.

            I nodded and Gabe turned away. Now, I don’t want to say that I somehow knew what was going to happen right then. Because I didn’t. But for whatever reason, I wanted to see Gabe one more time before he went back into the building. I caught his hand. I didn’t care that Hersch was watching. Gabe turned back to me. I realized I didn’t even have anything to say. “Gabe.” It was all I could have said. Gabe smiled back at me and squeezed my hand. Then he let go and turned back towards the school.

            I wouldn’t see his face or touch him again for more than two years.

            I watched Gabe walk away until he was all the way inside the building. I picked up his violin case with a smile. That was when I realized Hersch was watching me. He looked a little sad. He had his elbows on his thighs with his head resting on his fist. This must have been tougher for him than for any of us. He was the only one who was alone now. He looked up at me. “You two?” was all he said.

            I couldn’t lie to Hersch. “Yeah.”

            He nodded. I didn’t know what to expect him to say. “Good for you.”

            I don’t know what I would have said if I had the chance. But I never got to respond. That was when the sirens began to scream.

            Hersch looked panicked. He shot to his feet and ran over to me. Jim and Rebecca were nowhere in sight. “It must be a drill?” he yelled with his hands over his ears. It’s midday!”

            I didn’t know why. But I knew this wasn't just a drill. I could feel it. I knew it was the Germans. They had never attacked in daylight before. But whatever they did, they had done it right. The sirens were too late. The planes were in the sky just seconds after the screaming started. The whole place descended into chaos. The whole lawn was just a sea of panic. Boys all over the campus shoved towards the dorms. I couldn’t move. I was shaking and frozen. The screaming. Oh God, the screaming. It was never going to stop. I knew I was going to die. I couldn’t handle this without Gabe.

            Oh God. Gabe.

            “Gabe!” I screamed. I was unfrozen. I flew towards the school. I had to find Gabe. “Gabe!”

            “Rebecca!” I could hear Hersch yelling behind me. "Jim!" I didn’t dare turn around. I shoved through the crowd of terrified boys. I had to keep moving. We would never make it out of this. Everyone was going to die. Gabe. Find Gabe. I had to be with him. Even if we didn't make it out of this alive I had to be with him. People were screaming and guns were firing and the planes were flying so so low and all I wanted was to hold Gabe one more time before we all got blown off the earth.

            And something was falling from the plane.

            There was just a flash of light and incredible heat. I didn’t even hear it fall. I was thrown backwards away from the school in a burst of flame and debris. Wellington's was torn to nothing.

And Gabe’s violin was wrenched out of my hand.

 

            The rain had started again when I came to. The icy sharp drops stung as they hit my scorched, torn skin. I couldn’t breathe. I wondered if I was drowning. I was delirious. All I could think was that I had somehow gone back in time. Back to the night Gabe first kissed me. I thought I was back to the moment when I practically drowned myself trying to wash him off me. I thought I was getting a second chance. What I was supposed to do with it I didn’t know.

            Then I heard a foggy and faraway voice. “You lot, keep looking!” It only took one try at sitting up to tell me I had broken more than my arm this time. But I could still see. I was lying next to what was left of the destroyed oak tree. Someone was shoving the weight of wood and broken bricks off my chest. I still couldn’t breathe. I made a noise like a wounded animal so they would know something was wrong.

            An unfamiliar face appeared above me. My vision was blurred around the edges. “He’s got some lung damage, but this one has a shot. Get him on the truck!” No one came. “Oi! There’s a survivor over here!”

            A survivor. I was a survivor. But I didn’t care about that. I didn’t want to be a survivor. Not if I was the only one. Not it I had to do it alone. Not without Jim or Hersch. Not without Gabe.

            Someone was loading me onto a stretcher. I had to know. I had to know if he made it out alive. I gurgled. When I tried to breathe it felt like nothing happened. Gasping and gurgling, I managed three impossible words. “Basement… anyone… alive?”

            “Everyone in the basement’s alive, mate,” said a voice close to my head. “Safest place on campus. Like a bomb shelter down there, it was.”

            But it didn’t matter. Whatever happened to me didn’t matter anymore.

            He was alive. Gabe was alive.

            I was lifted into an ambulance. My head tilted back towards the school. I expected to see the familiar constant sight of Wellington’s. But it was gone. There was nothing there. Nothing but a pile of rubble and groups of survivors huddled in the grass. I wasn’t sure. But I thought maybe I could see the back of a head of black curls sitting in one of the groups of boys. The doors closed behind me and I didn’t see him again for more than two years.

This was it. Germany had taken everything from me.

            My lungs gave out after that. I gasped and gasped but I couldn’t do anything but breathe in. My world started going black around the edges. People around me were yelling. But I couldn’t make out what they were saying.

            All I knew was that Wellington’s was gone. Gabe was gone. Everything that mattered was gone. And if I was lucky soon I would be gone too.

Author's Note

End of Part One

Reviews

[Bexfinch]

I almost wanted to throttle you those two are my fave characters. I like how erichs come to terms with his gayness slthough i must say everythings hsppening so fast if it wasnt for the pathos id belike woahhhh slow down.but good job and im always watching

[Arianna]

emily. goodness gracious i am trying so hard not to cry. its just ugh. anyway im very sad right now just because this part of the story is over, i dont want gabe to be hurt i will cry, and oh goodness if you take for freaking ever to write this new book i think ill freak out. possibly hop on a plane and just stand behind you poking you until you write! (because i cant hurt you cause youll be mad but oh gosh ill feel an urge to if you take like two months to write the new part)

i feel upset, this feels like the end of an era... its almost done... it makes me so nostalgic.... okay im ranting so anyway im just telling you that this is the best book in the entire world. honest to goodness it really is the best.