GODS OF CREATION

Her:
In today’s world, I am called ‘Beauty’
That I cease to recognize the sound of my name
They think me their messiah
“Save our children from this ill fate” They cried
“Call me God, not Beauty” I said

A while ago, they called me ‘Grotsque’
That I cried out my name in anguish
While gazing upon their faces in horror
Demons and Ogres in bodies of angels
“To hell with you, agents of the pit”



Him:

I am the perfect sculptor
But she believed me a hoax
Till I remolded her from ‘Grotsque’ to ‘Beauty’
That they worship at her feet and call her ‘Savior’
“Oh Beauty, how dare you call yourself God”

I am the perfect teacher
And I taught her my art for her beauty
Alas, her arrogance led to my doom
That she left me in agony and despair
“Hex you Beauty, I am still your God”

Reviews

[JayG]

• In today’s world, I am called ‘Beauty’

So... an unidentified someone, of unknown background and age claims to be called "Beauty by people unknown." What can that meant to the reader who, unlike you, lacks all trace of context? This matters, because a confused reader will stop reading right there,and clarification will never come. Remember, we cannot retroactively remove confusion.

• That I cease to recognize the sound of my name

This is a sentence fragment. For you, the implied words "So often" are there. But not for the reader. And in any case, who could, or would forget the sound of their name? No one.

Forget about your intent for how you want words to be taken. Intent doesn't make it to the page. The reader gets only the meaning the words suggest to them, based on THEIR life-experience. So we must always take that into account when writing.

• They think me their messiah

So... unidentified people in an unidentified country, think of an unidentified female as "Their Messiah?" Given that the function and gender if what is conventionally called The Messiah is identified and requires a male, what can this mean to a reader who has only what you say, not what you mean, guiding them?

You have context and intent guiding your understanding, but you're talking TO the reader in terms for which they have no context. So what works perfectly for you is meaningless to the reader.That's why we must always edit from the seat of the reader, not the author.

Sorry my news isn't better, but you did ask. 🙂

[honey]

Thanks for the review. Maybe it was selfish for me to assume that the readers would automatically understand the context of the poem.
The style of writing is first person narrative poetry, so the main character isn’t unidentified, it only stimulates the imaginative mind of the reader to see these 2 characters as their ordeals are expressed using the first person pronoun ‘I’.