FROZEN AND THAWED BY LOVE

A Poem by honey

The flashes of betrayal strikes me hard
That I reach to the cold hands of death
Like a snail, it approaches escalating my despair
What is my sin, that the heavens and earth loathe me
That even death torments my desperation

The house in my dream, our once true dream
Our four children, He beheld
Clutching me to his heart, never to let go
Like a hit, He sang the promises of forever
In a moment, all was but a mirage
The house and children, he took with him
And I awake cold and alone, in a bed that reeks of our bond
“How dare you live as a lark while I live like a stone”

A Deva, they think I am
For I mask my tears in a wide grin
While I’m soaked in a bed of tears at night
Till I met the one for me, that revived my haunted soul
And taught me to love and mend my heart

Like him, He left again
It was him all along in the form of another
And I mourned like before
Still, I healed my heart with the love of another
And I dared to love him than I ever loved them.

© 2022 honey

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Reviews

Quill

No way she will ever be the same again, any future love will forever remain a shadow of the past

Posted 11 Months Ago

JayG

From start to finish, this is you talking about what matters to you. But you provide no context to make it meaningful to the reader, so while while it comes to life as you read it, look at it as a reader must:

• The flashes of betrayal strikes me hard

What's a flash of betrayal? And in what way was this person betrayed? It could be someone betraying a drug dealer to the cops, or a cop betraying the force; Someone betraying Russia to the USA, or the USA to Russia; a husband being unfaithful, or a million other things. You know. Shouldn't the reader?

• That I reach to the cold hands of death

Committing suicide, or congratulating death for a job well done? No way to tell without context. You know. Shouldn't the reader?

• Like a snail, it approaches escalating my despair

"It" What's "It?" You can't mean the hands of death, because that's plural and "it" is singular. And it can't be death, because it comes at us all at once. But...while you have memory and intent guiding your understanding, the reader has what the words suggest to them, based on THEIR life experience, not your intent.

My point? The reader is being told about what matters to you, in the way it matters to you, and in terms meaningful to you. But, what's in it for them? If you told the reader everything that lead to your writing the words, to give them perfect clarity. But what could they say, then, but, "Uhh... okay?"

People come to poetry to be entertained, not informed. That want to be made to feel and care. And, given that, having context, as-they-read, is imperative.

E. L. Doctorow put it perfectly, with “Good writing is supposed to evoke sensation in the reader. Not the fact that it’s raining, but the feeling of being rained upon.”

So, instead of making the reader know what matters to you, make it matter to the reader. Make THEM feel and care. Make them wish they could say it as well as you did.

My favorite example of this is the lyric to the song, "The Twelfth of Never," released in 1957, sung by Johnny Mathis. Look at the opening:
- - - - -
You ask how much I need you, must I explain?
I need you, oh my darling, like roses need rain.
You ask how long I'll love you; I'll tell you true:
Until the twelfth of never, I'll still be loving you.
- - - - -
Notice the clever trick played on the reader: The speaker is replying to a question that the reader supposedly asked, placing that reader INTO the poem, as the beloved who has asked that question. And since the question is one we might ask of someone who loves us, the answer is inherently interesting (especially since, if it’s a good answer we might use it). 😄

So with “You ask,” and without realizing why, the reader is emotionally involved. To me, that’s brilliant writing.

Next, the line requests to know how long their commitment will last, then dismisses it as supposedly obvious. Yet it’s a critical question, so the seeming disconnect again draws the reader in, with the unspoken comment of, "Well yes, you absolutely must tell me, because I need to know." So, given the attitude placed in the reader with that thought, we WANT to hear the response, and it feels as if it's directed at us. And that is a HUGE hook. Right?

The response is 100% allegorical. It says, in effect, “I can’t live without you,” but does it in a pretty, and interesting way.

The question/answer sequence then continues with a clever twist, Love will end, but on a date that’s an impossibility.

It’s 100% emotion-based writing. It calls up context that already exists in the reader/listener’s mind. But even had the reader never heard the expression “like roses need rain,” it would be instantly meaningful.

It’s part of a song, but this first verse, for me, is a perfect example of emotion-based poetry.

And let's take it one step further, and look at the FLOW. It's metric poetry, so it rhymes. But notice that the rhymes aren't the obvious Moon/June type, and the words fit the thought so well that the rhyme seems incidental, an accent rather than a drumbeat. And each line has the same cadence: seven beats per line that the reader, or singer, will fall into, enhancing the experience.

Make sense?

The problem behind the problem, as I see it, is that for the author, every line acts as a pointer to ideas, memories, events, and outcomes, all stored in our mind. But too often, for the reader, every line acts as a pointer to ideas, memories, events, and outcomes, all stored in *OUR* mind, because we forget to give the context that will make the words meaningful to the reader

One thing that might help is Mary Oliver's, A Poetry Handbook.It's filled with insights and small gems, like why we sometimes us the word stone and at others rock, to mean the same thing. The lady is brilliant, and I think you'll find the book fascinating. You can download a readable copy (though not on a phone) at the address below.
https://yes-pdf.com/book/1596

For the song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nNNRGa3pKyw

Jay Greenstein
Articles: https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/the-grumpy-old-writing-coach/
Videos: https://www.youtube.com/@jaygreenstein3334

Posted 1 Year Ago

• The flashes of betrayal strikes me hard

What's a flash of betrayal? And in what way was this person betrayed? It could be someone betraying a drug dealer to the cops, or a cop betraying the force; Someone betraying Russia to the USA, or the USA to Russia; a husband being unfaithful, or a million other things. You know. Shouldn't the reader?

• That I reach to the cold hands of death

Committing suicide, or congratulating death for a job well done? No way to tell without context. You know. Shouldn't the reader?

• Like a snail, it approaches escalating my despair

"It" What's "It?" You can't mean the hands of death, because that's plural and "it" is singular. And it can't be death, because it comes at us all at once. But...while you have memory and intent guiding your understanding, the reader has what the words suggest to them, based on THEIR life experience, not your intent.

My point? The reader is being told about what matters to you, in the way it matters to you, and in terms meaningful to you. But, what's in it for them? If you told the reader everything that lead to your writing the words, to give them perfect clarity. But what could they say, then, but, "Uhh... okay?"

People come to poetry to be entertained, not informed. That want to be made to feel and care. And, given that, having context, as-they-read, is imperative.

E. L. Doctorow put it perfectly, with “Good writing is supposed to evoke sensation in the reader. Not the fact that it’s raining, but the feeling of being rained upon.”

So, instead of making the reader know what matters to you, make it matter to the reader. Make THEM feel and care. Make them wish they could say it as well as you did.

My favorite example of this is the lyric to the song, "The Twelfth of Never," released in 1957, sung by Johnny Mathis. Look at the opening:
- - - - -
You ask how much I need you, must I explain?
I need you, oh my darling, like roses need rain.
You ask how long I'll love you; I'll tell you true:
Until the twelfth of never, I'll still be loving you.
- - - - -
Notice the clever trick played on the reader: The speaker is replying to a question that the reader supposedly asked, placing that reader INTO the poem, as the beloved who has asked that question. And since the question is one we might ask of someone who loves us, the answer is inherently interesting (especially since, if it’s a good answer we might use it). 😄

So with “You ask,” and without realizing why, the reader is emotionally involved. To me, that’s brilliant writing.

Next, the line requests to know how long their commitment will last, then dismisses it as supposedly obvious. Yet it’s a critical question, so the seeming disconnect again draws the reader in, with the unspoken comment of, "Well yes, you absolutely must tell me, because I need to know." So, given the attitude placed in the reader with that thought, we WANT to hear the response, and it feels as if it's directed at us. And that is a HUGE hook. Right?

The response is 100% allegorical. It says, in effect, “I can’t live without you,” but does it in a pretty, and interesting way.

The question/answer sequence then continues with a clever twist, Love will end, but on a date that’s an impossibility.

It’s 100% emotion-based writing. It calls up context that already exists in the reader/listener’s mind. But even had the reader never heard the expression “like roses need rain,” it would be instantly meaningful.

It’s part of a song, but this first verse, for me, is a perfect example of emotion-based poetry.

And let's take it one step further, and look at the FLOW. It's metric poetry, so it rhymes. But notice that the rhymes aren't the obvious Moon/June type, and the words fit the thought so well that the rhyme seems incidental, an accent rather than a drumbeat. And each line has the same cadence: seven beats per line that the reader, or singer, will fall into, enhancing the experience.

Make sense?

The problem behind the problem, as I see it, is that for the author, every line acts as a pointer to ideas, memories, events, and outcomes, all stored in our mind. But too often, for the reader, every line acts as a pointer to ideas, memories, events, and outcomes, all stored in *OUR* mind, because we forget to give the context that will make the words meaningful to the reader

One thing that might help is Mary Oliver's, A Poetry Handbook.It's filled with insights and small gems, like why we sometimes us the word stone and at others rock, to mean the same thing. The lady is brilliant, and I think you'll find the book fascinating. You can download a readable copy (though not on a phone) at the address below.
https://yes-pdf.com/book/1596

For the song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nNNRGa3pKyw

Jay Greenstein
Articles:  https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/the-grumpy-old-writing-coach/
Videos:  https://www.youtube.com/@jaygreenstein3334

Rating /100