A Childhood Friend of (Fill in the Serial Killer)

This is for a challenge I said I'd never try on the Vicious Circle. It's my second serial killer poem, I know, but I don't really have a problem...

The Childhood Love of (Fill in the Serial Killer)

 

"I'm rememb'ring the eye-shading shine

of the tin roof just above ground
that covered the well spring's piped line
and the almost articulate sound
of the over-filled bucket I, sneaking,
left my 6 year old sister to master
as I ran to a rendevous, freaking,
in fear that he'd arrived faster,

I find myself fifteen years later, hope
lost when we met after four
long years while I learned how to cope
with his faithlessness - how it tore
my heart - but let's open champagne
'He'd have killed me,' is now my refrain."

Reviews

[SN]

I love how you built up this piece by starting it with a "I'm rememb'ring" as well as the whole seemingly, at first, smooth flow of it.. Very good use of punctuation.I also loved the note you ended it on "'He'd have killed me,' is now my refrain".
I was told I'd be interested in your writing, I actually love it :)

[Emily B]

how did I miss this one?

clever and cunning and a little genius . . .

[J.Black]

This is very great! Good thing you still stuck to write it out Holly. ;-)

[Ladysue]

You did an excellent job on this. intense and ending very powerful...

[Ashley the Fox]

I'm upset now that you almost refused to do the challenge. This poem is great, and it would have been a loss if it hadn't been written. You've also inspired me. The serial killer idea is stuck in my head.

[cyanskye]

Very cool, I was drawn in from the very first line. For someone that didn't want the challenge, You did good.

[Raef C. Boylan]

Read this yesterday and wasn't sure how to review.
Still not, but wanted you to know I'd been by and liked it.

That final couplet reminds me of Larkin; the cynical humour, the casual slipping in of a detail that provides a clue. I'm honestly not sure who all these figures are, other than I can guess that the narrator is the one who knew the killer when they were younger.

It's an intriguing piece. Without the title [the only other clue - apart from your description, but I mean if I read this as a published piece without a synopsis], this could be about anything. The language and details used draw us into the scene really effectively though, so that it doesn't matter much what the portrait was originally meant to be telling us...except I think you're making a point about the general normality of people who later turn to murder.

Good write. What was the actual challenge? I feel sure you've met it, surpassed it even, but I'm curious and can't make that statement without knowing what the instructions were.

Thanks for posting this.

[Ken Simm.]

Intense, as survival is intense. A wonderful and wondering chaining of words.

[Spat Queen]

I was thinking of Ray Charles younger brother. It gave me the chills. This is going to sound rediculous but is "he" the serial killer?

[Mysty Rayn]

Very good piece of poetry. Makes the reader think and imagine.