Chapter 2

While this chapter is focused on sex, that is not what the book is about. This was my first sexual experience and is the start of what would be a year together, and the process of a huge mistake.

So, there we were. Apparentment 4223. Upon finding out I had never seen Lord of the Rings and the classic bewilderment that follows whenever you tell a guy you haven’t seen a movie he likes, that was the movie of choice. He popped the disc into his playstation and we sat on his bed, up against the wall. Maybe slightly weird, but necessary distance apart. “Do you want these open or shut?” he asked, gesturing to the blinds. “Keep them kinda open,” I said. Bad decisions happen in the dark.

            A few minutes in, he kicked up the blankets and started to settle in and lay down. I covered with a blanket too. His foot touched my vagina under the covers. I jumped a bit inside my skin. I wasn’t prepared for that. Jolts of fire and adrenaline shot through me temporarily. “Oop, is that your leg?” he asked, laughing. I just laughed too. I had no idea if he’d done it on purpose. A few minutes later, I got the “C’mere”. I looked down coyly and declined. “Nah, not right now,” I said, grinning. About fifteen more minutes and he asked again. This time, I gave in and crawled over to the head of the bed.

I was lying down on the bed next to him, and then he was bringing himself closer. He put his hand on my thigh and grazed my legs. “Your legs are really soft. Like, unnaturally soft,” he said. Whether this was true or a line, I would never know. But he was slow and seductive. His hands moved to my butt. This was bad. This was so bad. I’d never been touched that way before, and it felt so nice, but also hellish. The room felt about a thousand degrees. He rubbed my a*s and moved his hand up and down, played with the waistline of my shorts. “These are kinda big,” he smiled, pulling on the inch or two of loose fabric he’d bunched up. I knew my shorts were too big. I’d lost a bit of weight. My weight had always been up and down my entire life. I had been overweight, average, underweight. In the past year I had started working out, I’d discovered that was an efficient way to make sure I kept it stable. Periodically he’d try to move his hand in between my legs, and I wriggled away, showing clear discomfort of things going that far.

He kissed my back, up by my shoulders. Not a sensual kiss, but a peck. I turned around, looked at him and gave him a smile back. It was an odd move, and did nothing for me because it felt displaced, like an anachronism in an old movie. It was a gesture of affection, one a man would show to his wife after they had sex or in the morning before work. Not a way to get someone out of their clothes. And there was no way in that moment he wanted to express his affection toward me.

 The internal struggle for self control and to control him eventually fizzled out as we came to some sort of unspoken momentary understanding. His hand stayed on my butt. The shorts stayed on. Still, the whole time my mind was on anything but the movie. I couldn’t tell you a damn thing about Lord of the Rings. It was getting late, about 7 p.m. Soon it would be dark. “It’s getting late, I gotta go,” I told him. “We’ll hang out again soon.”

“Alright.”

“Goodnight.”

“Night.”

 

 

A few days later, we hung out as we had mentioned. I asked if he wanted to finish Lord of the Rings - God, they were such long movies " but he declined. Instead, we played The Last of Us. I had watched the Telltale Walking Dead Games and had heard comparisons between the two young protagonists of the games. There was a lot of praise for it, and it was in a postapocalyptic setting, so of course I wanted to play it or watch someone do so. He got me to a certain point in the game. We laid down next to each other again. Nothing was more baffling to me than how he was able to simultaneously touch my butt and focus on a video game. He showed me the controls and I played for a while. Eventually, I came to a point that was so difficult I couldn’t pass. Whether it was actually difficulty or my brain had turned too mushy at that point to focus, I’m unsure. Ben would press his pelvis and grind against me, with what I thought was his boner… I had no way of knowing what one felt like. He would start taking my pants off, and I’d pull them back up. He’d keep trying, and eventually I let him. I was exposed, and everything was on fire. The TV screen was getting blurry. I had no idea what was doing, I was in this weird state of blissful fogginess. I died. And died. And died. He saw me struggling.

Everything was fading, and fading, and fading. He pulled me in. I surrendered. My mind went blank for a moment and he was on top of me. It happened in such a burst I couldn’t even recall a moment where I realized we were about to make out.

It was desperate and reaching. He was overexcited and sucked too forcefully. On some level, it felt like kissing a fish. It wasn’t at all how you want your first kiss to be. There was no anticipation, no buildup, no sweetness. His tongue was simply in my mouth before I knew it. It was quick and lust driven. I went with it for what was likely about twenty seconds, and then his pants were off and his erection was free. It was so intense and happening, quickly, I was shaking. He came towards me and I said “Wait…”

He paused. “I’ve never done this before… Like, anything before…” I stammered.

“Oh, that’s okay,” he said. “I kinda figured that might be the case”. I told him I didn’t want to have sex, and he told me he didn’t want to be my first. “Are you… okay?” I asked, as he pulled his pants back up. “If you wanna take care of that... isn’t that kinda uncomfortable?”

“It’s cool,” he answered. We laid there for a few seconds in silence and hesitation. “Do you wanna jerk me off?”

I just touched it at first. It wouldn’t be a bad first sexual experience. It felt pretty much exactly how I thought one would, except the head was spongy and velvety. It had a different density than the shaft.

Porn made it seem so easy. I struggled with gripping it right, and I think he realized for a virgin who had never touched a penis that an adequate handjob was a bit much to expect. He tried kissing me again, but I kind of pulled away. “I don’t wanna do that right now”. It kind of worried me that I didn’t like kissing, what was supposedly the best part that all girls loved. Maybe it was just a bad kiss, or maybe kissing was something you got used to. I took my shirt and bra off, simply due to the fact that it seemed like a better idea to do this in just my underwear than in my underwear and a shirt. He looked… confused. There was a strange look on his face and I didn’t know why. He started sucking on my n*****s, and then asked if he could f**k me between my b***s. “Sure, but I don’t know that they’re big enough to do that..”

“It’s fine,” he said, pressing them together. “You have great b***s. I didn’t expect that,” he commented. I had no idea whether I should be flattered or offended. He slid his penis between the artificially formed cleavage, and it did work. It felt kind of awkward just laying there while he did that, but it was okay. I didn’t want him fingering me or touching me down there, and I told him so. That required a lot of trust from me. “I think… we should do anal,” he said as though it was a brilliant suggestion that just came to his mind, even though we both knew otherwise. “Uh, no,” I laughed. “Can I like… slide it between your cheeks?” Seeing nothing wrong with that, I agreed. He pulled my underwear down in the back and rubbed his dick between my cheeks. It felt so good and warm and comfortable. It sounds strange, but it’s true. I got turned on and started playing with myself, then got a bit carried away in the moment. “You can try and put it in if you want,” I said. “I’m not,” he replied, mishearing me. “No, you can.”

I was feeling, in a sense, generous in that moment, and didn’t really think it would ever work. But it did. It didn’t hurt tremendously like I thought it would. I’d heard it felt incredibly uncomfortable, like having to poop, and painful. It was pleasurable. And a very intense feeling. I moaned as it finally fully entered me. He made sounds of pleasure as he thrust into me from behind. Slow at first, then faster. He latched onto my back as he moaned into my ear and started kissing it. He kissed my neck. “Oh God. Oh, f**k, baby,” he said as he went harder, then pulled out and came on my butt. I laid there exhausted. He got up and brought back a warm wet towel which he wiped me off with. I didn’t know if it was the sensation itself or the sentiment, but it felt heavenly. We cleaned up and got dressed, and I saw a bunch of missed calls from my mother. Essentially, everyone's most cliche nightmare after they have their first sexual experience. A flush of panic overcame me. I called her, and she just said she hadn’t heard from me and wanted to make sure I was safe. I told her we had gone back to his house to play video games and I wasn’t paying attention to my phone. At that point, I thought I should probably go. “Everything’s good?” he asked.

“Yeah.”

“Oh, thank God, I was scared.”

I packed up my things and started to leave. “I don’t get a hug?” he asked. I went over and hugged him. “Goodnight.” I left and drove home. I felt oddly warm, comfortable, satisfied. But also like I had this glow, this "just had sex glow" written all over me and radiating from my skin. My mother had always been intuitive, knowing things with no way of knowing. If she had noticed, she didn't say anything. I quickly got some food from the kitchen and went to sleep.

Author's Note

Please let me know how much detail I should leave out or keep in, and any other thoughts or critiques you have. It has come to my attention the site censored some words, my apologies if that ruins it.