Dear You (S)

A letter to someone who used to mean the world to me

Dear You,

I miss you. I want to be back in your arms where all I would do is come over and we would nap. I want to feel your warmth when we sleep. I know I moved a lot at night but I hope that it didn't bother you too much. I miss your smile and your brown eyes. When you try not to smile but can't help it, is when I become weak at the knees. But you hurt me. You deleted all of the pictures we had together. Not only is that deleting pictures, but it's deleting memories. You didn't delete and pictures of her; but you delete me. Maybe I wasn’t as pretty or flawless as her. But I know I treated you better. Maybe one day I'll find someone who loves me and talks about me the way you talked about her. I just wish I was the person who would help you get over her. I now understand that I am not that girl for you, no matter how much I wish I was. But on the other hand we were very different and I don't think a real relationship would work out between us. You make me feel stupid when I talk about certain things or when I ask questions. You make me feel like I'm never good enough; how I look and how I think. You made me feel amazing and proud of my body but then you would make me feel ashamed when you talked about hers. I guess I’m just really jealous that she got to you before I could. I think to you I was just physical while to me you were physical and emotional. You knew what to say. You were gentle and smooth and the way you did anything just made my heart melt. You made every decision feel like I was the one making it when in reality you were getting everything you wanted. I don't hate you. I don't think you did anything wrong. I let you do everything you did. That's what our status was. We weren't dating; we were more friends with benefits and I allowed that. Also, when you said you didn't want to date me I couldn't be mad because I knew you were doing the right thing. Regardless of how much it hurt me and how much I wish it was the other way around I knew you were doing what was best. The reason I told you I needed space is because I know how our relationship was, it was not good, no matter how much I loved it in the moment. It wasn't fulfilling after you left. When we were in my room sitting watching netflix it was just like old times; the times I fell in love with. Then you fell asleep and I wanted nothing more than to lie down next to you and sleep. I can't get over you if you keep coming up to me thinking everything is ok and the way it used to be. It's been a week now since I've texted or talked to you outside of class. This has been a hard week but also not the hardest. It has proved to me that I do have friends outside of you and that I don't necessarily need you; I just want you. I’ll find a good time to talk to you again. Maybe give it the weekend then i will. There is two things I could do and although I would rather do the first one, I know that is not a good thing to do. I could come to your door on the weekend when your roommate is gone. Wear my black lace top with either pink or blue lace that I honestly bought just for you. I’ll wear my long flannel and as I walk in I'll ask about how you are and about your week. Then as I'm walking towards your window I'll start unbuttoning my shirt starting from the top and getting about halfway before I turn around and start walking towards you, grabbing the bottom of your shirt or unbuttoning it if you're wearing one of your typical button downs. Then I would show you what I bought just for you. In reality this would be a lot sexier than I am able to put into words. The rest of that moment stays in my head. See, this is what I would do if I was brave. If I knew that it wouldn't become emotional for me. If I could put feelings aside and do this I totally would and would love every minute. But the problem is, after the minutes are over how would i feel? I would feel the way I feel right now; lonely, wanting more, used. I want to be smart and stay away but at the same time all I want to do is be close to you again. Be what we once were. I could also just text you and we could try to be typical friends. That would be hard to act that way without showing how I'm really feeling; but at the same time ignoring you is so much harder. At physical training you were doing your sprints and while I was on the ground, you made eye contact with me and it took all my pain away and I couldn't help but smile. I try to work hard in physical training to impress you. I am weak physically and I know when you're watching; that's when I work the hardest. Not for me, or my squad or master sergeant; but for you. I want to impress you. That's why when you told me about your GPA I was embarrassed. It wouldn't have been that bad if you got a 3.6 but a 3.8… I can’t compete with that. I want you to be proud of me. Why? I don't know, I just seek your approval which is weird because I don't seek anyone else's. I feel like you have done so much and have so much experience that anything I do seems so small and insignificant. I have so much more to prove! I tell myself I do not need your approval and I'm starting to believe it. You don't have to accept me. Now this letter is turning from love and self pity to rage. I am being enraged that you make me feel this way. That you have so much unwanted power over me and that I allow you to! You read everywhere: “don't let a guy in charge of your life,” but that is so much easier said than done. This is a process and unfortunately I've been thru it before so I know it takes time. I just wish this process didn't involve you. I wanted you to just be my best friend on campus. Like the guys I have back home, but at school. I can do that! That's what i will do! Congratulations to you! You are now just  friend to me. Nothing more.

Author's Note

Be as honest and as critical as you want. I will not get offended, I appreciate honest feedback about anything. Also, in your opinion: should I send this to him?

Reviews

[aj milton]

This was clearly written from the heart. My personal view is don't send this. Don't let him think he has power over you. But this advice is coming from someone who doesn't exactly have a 100 percent success rate with relationships. Only you know your heart.

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For me is litlle too long. I casnnot keep it up with the story line. But otherwise you got courage . i lik your honesty and self reflection. i cannot give you any wisdom. i am sure when you make shorter it will be great.