july 12, 2018: Ashamed.

sharing always blows up in my face. why do i f*****g open myself up to my s**t family when all they’ll do is judge me and act weird. like i can’t even read a s****y dumb story i made without them overanylizing it. i f*****g hate my life. everytime i think about how my life is going no where i get a pain in my stomach from stress. i also get it when i’m thinking about my parents.

i’ve been homeschooled all my life until high school, where i completed one year then dropped out. i’m so f*****g ashamed. my mother is in an abusive relationship with my father and she has asburgers. she’s so f*****g weird. she makes me view disabled people in a bad light and i f*****g hate myself for it. i’m so judgmental. i judge everyone i see, “he’s ugly.” “she’s fat.” “she sucks at drawing.” “he’s awkward.”. i’ve been told everyone makes snap judgements but i doubt they’re as mean as me. i’m f*****g horrible. then i try to convince myself i didn’t mean it. “she’s not ugly she has a beautiful smile, i wish i had her style.” stupid s**t like that. i’m such a f*****g idiot. i’m a lost cause and everyone knows it. i hate being bitter but i can’t help it. if i don’t voice my thoughts itll eat me up inside.

as you can probably already tell i was neglected and abused as a child so now i’m severly fucked to the core. why doesn’t someone just off me? i abused my sisters when i was younger. i regret it everyday. my f*****g dumb b***h mom left us to be on our own for hours on end.

i’ve been thinking about a vivid memory from when i was about 3 or 4. i was trying to sleep but i couldn’t (sounds familiar..). my mom said she would go down and get me oreos. i waited for what felt like an hour but i didn’t really have a concept of time at that age so idk. then i went downstairs and layed on the floor near the living room where my mom was sitting on the couch starring over my fathers shoulder at something on his computer. it disgusts me to type i’m feeling sickness and betrayal right now. i felt so abandoned. i remember feeling forgotten and neglected. it wasn’t about the f*****g cookies anymore i just wanted her to remember me. to care about me. my father yelled “GET THE F**K OUT OF HERE.” when he saw me. i was 4. i was f*****g 4. i went back upstairs. she stayed down with him for another 30 minutes.

i always start to think “if i saw my husband do that i would immediately scream and tell him to sleep in a hotel.” but i would hope i’m not that f*****g dumb to ignore the warning signs. outbursts like that don’t come out of nowhere. she had to have seen the red flags. but no. she’s autistic. she is used to abuse since her mom abused her so she didn’t see anything wrong with it. i have had manipulative relationships in my past. i hope i learned. i have a really good friend who’s there for me throughs anything. i really love her and i’m so happy she puts up with me.


i don’t know if i’ll ever heal from this. all i want to do right now is swallow 30 pills and make the noise in my brain stop. but i know more than anyone how selfish that is. i know people care for me even if they don’t show it. i know how hard it is to live just like this, imagine having a family dying with the weight of the world already on your shoulders. i couldn’t do that to anyone. i would hope neither can they. if one of my younger sisters died i wouldn’t be able to live anymore. that would be the last straw. they’re the only reason i’m alive.

i’ve been on the verge of tears the whole while writing this but i’ve stopped myself since i’m in my living room. anyone could walk in. especially my mom and i don’t want to ever share anything with her again since she goes and tells every single f*****g detail down to our wrinkles around our buttholes to my f*****g ogre abusive sperm doner. he said “hi Hobi” to me the other day when i accidentally ran into him going to the car. i just kept pretending to look through my bag like i didn’t see or hear him. i wish i had the guts to glare at him.


anyways bye.