Friends

We all have friends who just need to chill out.

I need you to stop,

thinking that only your problems are real.

We all have demons,

you just need to chill.

Get rid of the attitude

that you don't give a f**k,

we all know it's a front

you need to wake up.

You might hate me

for exposing the truth,

but for the record

I am no sleuth.

Everyone sees it,

you aren't always right,

open your ears for once

and keep your mouth tight.

I would never say this,

if you were not my friend,

just please listen

so that this rant can end,

Author's Note

If you see anything that I could have done better, let me know!
thanks
-Harrisen

Reviews

[Frieda P]

Lots of moxy in this write, reminds me of an old Italian saying, friends stab you in the front...something like that. Being upfront is best, sometimes friends take advantage of a big heart, enough is enough, you told him. Good one!

[Harrisen Viator]

Yeah, he's a good friend, but he complains too much about his life, but does nothing to change and this was just me voicing my frustration with him.
Thank you!

[Frieda P]

Good on you, did you tell him or just write the poem? My pleasure...

[Harrisen Viator]

I have attempted to tell him, but when that didn't work I wrote the poem, but haven't shown him it.

[Frieda P]

If it bothers you that much and you have a problem telling him then you should let him read this imho.

[Harrisen Viator]

You're right, I think I'll discuss that with one of our other best friends, because we have this trifecta of best friendship (lame I know) , because it keeps us in balance.

[Frieda P]

Sounds like a plan...

[Ees]

I love this.
We've all been there with somebody we know! Great way to voice it!
The flow and rhythm of this could be better, which leads me to guess you wrote this a little time ago, but what you have there is really great stuff. You should deff revisit this and see how you might like to rework this.
There are places where you use words like "chill" which I really like because it is very natural and real feeling. But then words like "account" stick out as not fitting in with that natural and cool vibe that you could have going in this.
This reminds me so much of something that should be said to my friend Christian. He's always saying that he doesn't give a f**k, but he gives so many f***s it hurts.

I liked the beginning better than the end in this one...
Just letting you know my thoughts...
Nice work, keep it up.

[Harrisen Viator]

Hmm, well I wrote this like a week or so ago, because my friend took his anger out on me when I was only trying to help, but then continued to give me the blame, because he is never accountable for his own actions. Do you think that I should change "account" to 'record'?

and what about the end do you not like? I just want to get your perspective on it.

[Ees]

yeah, record just sounds more natural. I think being natural is a great strength in some of your work.
I think the end sounded a little bit less insightful and more angry. It's okay to write angry poetry, but I think sometimes the anger can overwhelm the concept and there might be a different way to say the same thing.
You are a good writer, I am just trying to give you some ideas for things to look for.

[Harrisen Viator]

Okay awesome, yeah I was just writing. What's posted is actually what I have in my poetry journal, I'll go back and change account to record, because I like that better, too. And yeah I was very frustrated when I wrote it, so yeah I can see how anger would emanate from it.
I guess I should be more mindful of those sorts of things, especially since it's about one of my friends. Thank you for your review, it's very helpful!

[Ees]

No problem. Anger works too. I think it works better though if it isn't stated in the familiar terms of arguments. I don't know if that makes sense, but I hope so.

[Harrisen Viator]

Yeah, I guess, hmm do you think it's because I said "so this rant can end" ?

[Ees]

Actually it may have been the mouth tight line more so than the rant line. But it could be the combination of the two.

[Harrisen Viator]

Oh yep, that makes a lot of sense now. I definitely do sound angry with that one.. Oh well, at least he'll understand how I truly feel if I ever get around to showing this to him.

[Ees]

Haha. People tend to only hear the anger and miss the point of why you are angry and that just makes them angry too.
in my experience anyway.

[Harrisen Viator]

Yes, you're so right. I hate that, I just wish people would listen to the context of what you are saying to them and not just how you are saying it. I try to be calm and explain things to my friend, but honestly the dude can't stop talking for a few minutes to listen to someone give their opinion. That's why I used the statement:
"open your ears for once
and keep your mouth tight."

[Ees]

I get why you used what you did, but I think that you can do better and find a more effective way of saying the same thing and have it in a way that better matched the beginning part of this poem. And then at that point send it to him. The fact that you wrote the poem will have more impact if it doesn't sound so angry. You can say the same thing about listening and not talking so much with less harsh words and I think they'd have more meaning if they didn't sound so harsh.

This is all just my opinion though and my opinion, I assure you isn't worth much. I have been around longer than I should have though. I have experienced a bit of life. But I am also an a*****e who'd have a hard time taking her own advice.

[Harrisen Viator]

Yeah, that's true. I think I'll leave it here the way it is, but if I do choose to show it to him I will definitely change it to be less harsh. Although he might need it haha.

[Ees]

Haha.
alright.

[TLK]

Second line is a little too long. My thoughts are: "making your problems real". There is a certain twist of metaphor to it that readers might miss, though. (At the same time, if you're not paying attention, then you won't get it. I repeat myself in my job, I don't see why I have to in my writing ;) ).

Otherwise, these have the form of some urban poetry spat out on a corner... but with all the hazy softness of that angry bear-love that you have to have sometimes for a friend who is crushing themselves.

I hope the people you write for are honoured, because this is a rare gift.

[Harrisen Viator]

the thing with the second line is that he only thinks that his are real, because they are, but he's never there to listen to other people's problems. So, although it might be too long, it is getting the point across that I want to make. And thank you, I'm a bit undecided as to if I should show him this, because I wouldn't want to cause any problems between us, but once again thank you for giving me a good review so that I can think about this poem some more.

[TLK]

From the standpoint of Cognitive Psychology, if he THINKS his problems are real they will define his thinking... and his thinking is him... and therefore he is making them real.

[Harrisen Viator]

That's true, I should've paid more attention in my psychology class.
Well, thank you for that insight, I now see how it could make sense either way.

[Jupiter]

I wish I could give you more criticism but I love your work. You just have this way with words that not many have. You can say so much in so little. Great job!

[Harrisen Viator]

Thank you! This really means a lot to me, because I have only been writing for a short period of time compared to others.
-Harrisen

[Rita L. Sev]

This has a good flow. I like the honest message of this piece - sometimes we need to let our friends hear the harsh truth.

[Harrisen Viator]

Thank you Rita!
Yes, it's so true, I wrote this recently, because one of my friends has been just putting me and all our other friends down. I still need to break it to him, but I guess if I slip this under his door it might work.
-Harrisen

[Rita L. Sev]

Subtle - a confrontation in verse!