Strictly FriendsA Story by Hassan99 A guy reflects on his past decisions, after a struggle with depression he looks to make things right. It had been six
months since I last saw her. I would be lying if I said I didn’t miss her, I
did. I missed her touch and the way she looked at me when I complimented her;
even the way that the color of her eyes changed from hazel to amber when she
got mad. Her eyes were that amber color the last time I saw her when I left her
standing in her living room. I remember
that there was broken glass everywhere and I had a cut on the side of my cheek
that was a bright red, the same color of the Christmas ornaments that were
untouched on the tree. I can see it all now, in my mind’s eye, her eyeliner was
smudged from the tears. F**k, I had forgotten the tears. What am I doing?
Those where bad memories, my therapist, whom I had been seeing for the past six
months, taught me to put those behind me and forget about them. It was a warm
July night, about 70 degrees with an occasional cool breeze coming from the
ocean that tasted like sea salt and good times. The breeze triggered good
memories that had gotten jumbled up with all the bad ones that I had locked
into that bad part of my heart. It reminded me of the first time we walked on
the beach together two years ago. I remember her
showing up at my window asking me if I wanted to go for a walk “strictly as
friends.” I remembered looking at the clock and not caring that it was 2:00 in
the morning, and putting on my rugged, torn-up hoodie and sneaking out with
her. “Are you’re
parents gonna care that you’re gone?” she had asked me, a nervous smile playing
on her lips. “Nah, I’m pretty
sure that they would prefer it that way actually,” I told her. “Well you seem to
have as many problems as me so lets run away, away, away from them!” She
giggled, her teeth shined white in the night, and she grabbed my arm and pulled
me along as she ran towards the ocean. I remembered being
free for what felt like the first time in my life as we walked along the beach
just talking (“strictly as friends”) about everything that was going on in our
lives. She told me about her mom, who was battling cancer. I felt like I had to
be friends with her, you can’t get that personal with someone and be just a
regular friend. Things had changed, she could finally confide in me and I could
confide in her, even though we had been friends for our entire lives, we were
never best friends, and that walk on the beach, with the cool breeze blowing, is
what made us best friends. I snapped out of
it. I wasn’t too far from her house, maybe a mile or so, I was nervous. I was
really nervous to see her, which I found strange because I had never felt
nervous to see her before. I didn’t like it so I decided to focus on something
else. I looked across the street and saw the “Capuano’s Pizza Restaurant” sign.
That was where her
and I would go after school at least twice a week to eat pizza and do homework.
We knew Tony, the head chef, so well that he knew what we were going to order
without us even telling him. We would go in and he would greet us with a smile
and say, “Look! It’s the couple that never was,” and we would both smile and
tell him to stop, but I thought about it and wondered, why shouldn’t we give it
a try? I’m not sure but I’m pretty sure she had those thoughts too. We never
confronted the other about them, but there was a tension there that I couldn’t
put my finger on. I kept walking, I
found myself wondering how exactly I could walk to her house without getting
lost and be lost in my thoughts at the same time, when it dawned on me that I
had memorized how to get to her house. For some reason that resonated with me
more than the memories and flashbacks that I had gotten on the way to her
house. How did I mess up our friendship six months ago? How goddamn stupid was
I to walk away from her six months ago? I remember why the fight had started,
what I don’t remember is, is why I said “no”. Maybe it was the depression that
she didn’t know about, maybe it was just nerves, I don’t know. We had gotten back
from Capuano’s, her hair still had some sand in it from the beach but it sort
of blended in with her dirty blonde hair so I didn’t mention it. Tony had been
really on us at the restaurant, asking us why we still aren’t dating, usually when Tony brought it up I just smiled
and let her talk us out of it, but that night I looked at Tony and said, “T,
listen man, if we dated and it didn’t work out, you can’t go back from that,” I
looked at her, I looked her deep into her caramel eyes and told her, “we are
best friends, and I wouldn’t trade that for anything in the word, there are so
many things that I would loose if we stopped talking, I mean the late night
conversations, the early morning walks on the beach, just so much of me would
be different that I wouldn’t be me, if I didn’t have you.” I wanted to tell her
about the depression and that while there was a part of me that wanted to make
our relationship something more but this was not the time. Depression changes
you, it makes you realize what’s really important, she was the one thing I couldn’t lose. “I’m gonna go,”
she said quickly and she rushed out of the little restaurant. Tony looked at me,
“trouble in paradise my man?” I rushed out after her but she was gone with the
wind, it had started to rain and I didn’t want to get wet so I jogged back to
my house wondering what I did. She had never acted like that. I didn’t know
whether to call her or whether to wait until tomorrow. Eventually, I was so
confused and worried that I decided to drive to her house to see her and make
her feel better. After I got to her house it was a blur, I remember her saying
that she wanted us to be something more because you “can’t spend that much time
with another person and not develop feelings, its against the human law.” I
remember wanting to tell her about the issue that I was dealing with, I was
depressed and I couldn’t handle a relationship right now. I didn’t. I lied to
her, I told her that I didn’t want to date her because we were too close, it
would ruin everything. She got madder and madder, her eyes turned that
dangerous amber color, and I was getting more defensive. We both said some bad,
even terrible stuff, I had never been in a fight that huge and I never would
have thought that it would be with her. It was getting really bad until I
finally said something that crossed the line, I told her that the only reason I
was friends with her was because her mom was sick and now that she was better,
I didn’t have to talk to her anymore. She slapped me, cutting my cheek. She
started throwing things and I left. A month later I met her at Capuano’s and we
made up, she said she missed me and she wanted to hang out again, and have
things go back to the way that they used to be. I told her that that sounded
great and that I wanted the same thing. I didn’t mean it though. I had enough
issues of my own. I was losing the battle with depression, without her I was
completely lost and as much as I wanted to talk to her, I didn’t want to drag
her down with me. Depression is messed up, it eats you up from the inside and
it makes you feel like you’re drowning. There is nothing worse than being
alone, but you don’t want to go out for fear that your friends will point out
your insecurities. When you are depressed, all you want to do is make sure that
no one else feels the way that you do, especially your best friends, because
while it may be too late for you, they can still live a happy life. So, you
isolate yourself, you don’t talk to them and you keep to yourself. You hurt
even more but its worth it because your friends are doing great. All I was
doing was being a good friend and letting her be, that’s what I told myself.
That’s what friends are for. I’m on her street.
I see her car in the driveway, I want to tell her that I’m so sorry, I had
changed and now, I’m ready to take our friendship to that higher level. I
wasn’t ready for her six months ago but now, I am. I know that she’s waiting
for me, I can feel it, the nervous energy that I had felt before was replaced
with excitement. I’m going to tell her everything about the depression, the
recovery process, gosh I can’t wait to see her beautiful eyes and her hair, the
color of the sand. The cool ocean breeze is blowing against me, which has to be
a sign from a higher power telling me that I am going to do this and be
alright. I walk up her front steps and ring the doorbell ready to conquer the
world. I knock on her door. She opens it. “Hey” I say, “Hey” she says,
her eyes are amber, but her face is full of regret and sympathy? “I’m sorry, I
wasn’t ready 6 months ago but I am now. Please, let me explain everything. I’m
different, I’m, I am better” I say, “It’s been five
months,” she tells me, she looks over her shoulder worriedly. “Babe who is
that?” I hear from inside her house. My heart stops,
for a minute everything stops. I look around, bewildered, confused, angry,
depressed. “Who is that?” I manage, my throat is closing up, f**k am I getting
misty eyes? “That’s my
boyfriend, look, getting over you was the hardest thing I have ever done and, I
can’t open up this door again, I’m going to have to ask you to leave.” she
tells me, her eyes stone cold. Who was she? I didn’t even recognize her. I look at her,
“please” I say, “Don’t look at me
like that” she says, her eyes are filled with tears and she looks at me for a
second that feels like forever and says, “Please leave,” and she shuts the
door, leaving me out in the street. I wandered
aimlessly for the next hour; I didn’t know what to do. I thought depression was
the worst pain I could feel but obviously I was wrong because this feeling was
worse. I felt as if the warmth and hope had been taken out of me. I hated her,
everything that I thought she was, was a mistake. The person I had remembered
was gone, and was replaced with a newer version. It was in this moment that I
decided never to speak to her again. She had moved on, without me. If she is
happy, I would have to make do. That’s what friends are for. I smiled as the
breeze stopped, and walked to the end of the pier. I looked down into the black
sea, and thought of her and the pain that she had caused in return for the pain
that I had caused her. I looked over the edge, and then I look behind me, the
worst was behind me I thought, and I stepped over the edge and fell down, down
into the sea and away from the problems. “Away, away, away.” © 2015 Hassan99Author's Note
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6 Reviews  Last Updated on June 23, 2015 Tags: sad, story, depression, romantic Author
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