The Last Message

This fact, on some social media page says, Sleeping naked helps in reducing stress. How can anyone sleep naked alone? Sleeping naked is meant to be the aftereffect of making love. Exhausted, tired yet smiling and not done, but we choose to sleep in each other's arms. Sleeping that way naked will surely reduce stress, but now in this moment, it is just a memory. Memory that belongs to the time when we were together. When we decided to stay together. When we promised to stay together. When we needed to stay together. When we wished to stay together. But, not every decision can be right, not every promise is meant to be kept, not every need is lifelong and not every wish comes true.

I kept my phone in pocket and received my order of chicken sandwich and almond shake, walked toward the boarding gate to find a vacant chair near charging point. I plugged my phone to charge. Took out my sandwich and popped the bottle open. While I took the first bite, the chicken took me in the past.

Years ago, when she made chicken at her home.

If anyone wants to have a chicken that I made, have to come and receive tiffin in 10 minutes. She texted.

She enjoyed challenging me and I enjoyed her challenges.

I kicked started my bike the moment I read her text.

We had a few kilometers of distance between our homes, running bike through traffic, finding the most open and fast way to reach. I reached on time or at least that’s what I thought. I was standing in front of her house’s main gate and she, inside the gate, the tiffin travelled the distance between us but her words reached me first, guess who is home alone!

I jumped to hug her tight. She closed the door behind me. We were in her room, ready to have a chicken that she made. She was feeding me. I was feeding her. Kiss was the dessert for us. I must say chicken was nice but the dessert was delicious.

Ring of my phone brought me back to my sandwich and shake.

Airline staff announced, the boarding will start in 30 minute.

I saw a kid playing football. I smiled.

How many kids do you want? She asked.

Three. Two ours and one adopted. I replied.

She had tears in her eyes when she hugged me.

What happened? I asked, resting my hand on the back of her head.

She took her time before replying and started with a question.

Why do you want to adopt a child?

Just one of those things in my bucket list. I said.

Do you know? My parents adopted me, they think I don’t know it but I remember everything from my childhood. I know who are my real parents and in the need of money; they sold me.

I put my finger on her lips to shut her up, and this time I had tears and I hugged her.

To settle down the mood, I said, I love the baby making process, we will definitely have more babies.

She soft punched my chest and smiled.

This was the mistake we did. Expected too much from the future while destiny had other plans. Is it wrong expecting a good life from future? Isn’t it a human nature to expect on the ground of present? Nobody wants grief, everyone wants happiness then why expecting happy life is wrong. Is it too much to ask for? Wishing for a happy life from God is right, but expecting a happy life is wrong. The life and its unfair rules.

The boarding will start in 20 minutes.

I unplugged my phone to check the time, 8:15 pm. Phone was charged, I decided to take a walk around boarding gate. Waiting area on the other side was full as few flights were running late. I noticed a newly married couple sitting in the corner of the crowd. Wrist full of huge bangle set. Charm on her face, a pinch of shyness in her body language and the Vermilion in her hair parting.

Once she sent me a photo of her wearing a sari, she looked like a wife. A married woman who just got ready to look beyond perfection. I video called her to see her, and she knew I was going to call. She was ready with something to make me feel special and to establish her rights on me.

I was lost. I was dreaming with my eyes open. Her few “Hello’s” brought me back to reality and when I was about to give her a kinky compliment, she took a pinch of vermilion and wore it facing me like I was her mirror. I was too shocked to say anything. My heart was on a roller coaster and my body went numb. She brought me back again to the reality with her snap.

How do I look? She asked.

I was out of words, felt like every compliment is pale against you. I thought.

The most beautiful girl in the world I settled with.

She blushed. Okay, work now and I’ll call you later. She hung up.

Is anyone allowed to look this beautiful? Isn’t it illegal? I wondered how does it feels like to be someone’s dream girl. The most beautiful feeling in the world or it is just another thing for her. Every time she amazes me with her new looks, I appreciate my luck and thanks to God for giving me this girl. For not just the physical beauty, but the kid in her and all her other traits make me love her more and more every day.

Being together for quite a good amount of time so that it can be considered a long time. When you are in a new relationship, a guy tries to stay away from sexual feelings and a girl doesn’t even think about it.

The difference? A guy needs to stay away from his fantasies of him and his partner making love, but girls, by default, don’t have this thing. A guy intentionally wants to ignore and a girl can do this unintentionally. After a long time of togetherness, when couples have already explored every possible thing, they come to think about sex. Eventually, intentionally or unintentionally, it starts from guys' side. Same happened with me. We kissed too many times but never carried forward what we started.

The sari disturbed the animal in me. I started looking forward to get more intimate, but I also needed her consent. I can control myself if she is yet not comfortable with it.

I kept walking until I realized that I have came too far from my boarding gate. 10 minutes until boarding starts. It took me 4 flat escalator and a few jogs to reach the gate again. Passengers have already started getting in queue and few were in the hurry of boarding plane as if it will leave the next moment.

Settled down in the seat, gulped down a small water bottle. I unlocked my phone to check if I have any messages or calls but as usual, feels like no one cares if I am alive or dead. The only reason I use the phone now, is to scroll through few social media apps. They help me escape from reality. A reality that I don’t want to be a part of. My other medium of escaping reality is alcohol, but that only happens when my past starts to interfere my present reality. The destination I am heading to was also once my past and will interfere with my present in the most destructive way possible but I still have to go.

We had already crossed turbulence when the pilot announced the journey time and wished us happy journey. After spending a lot of time flying, I realized it is easy to fall asleep 30,000 feet above the ground. I was yawning and my eyes closing it self helped me fall asleep.

The first love, immortal love, never ending love. The first love has the power to stay alive in the hearts or may be a heart. No matter how far you go moving on, no matter how hard you train yourself to not to remember anything about your previous partner, even if you eliminate every single thing that belonged to your first love. It will keep following you in your memories. The one smallest soft corner in you can take over your every effort of trying to forget your first love. Indeed, time can heal anything, but even time doesn’t have power to let you come over your first love. You think you can forget things with time? More the time, more those memories settle deep inside you. Love makes a home that can neither be destroyed nor can be replaced. It doesn’t occupy a place in the heart, it occupies the whole heart. Just like she did. Owned my heart more than I did. I surrendered to her. She controlled me. She could have made me do anything, but she chose to make me a gentleman. A hollow gentleman, a cold-hearted gentleman, a careless gentleman, a ruthless gentleman, an impulsive gentleman. Maybe she knew from the very start that we will never end up being together or maybe I was just her time pass relationship. Maybe she mould me to be a perfect partner for my actual alliance but she only made me a gentleman who is perfect in acting like a gentleman.

When we mutually decided to end our relationship, she had so many reasons to justify what she did and I had one question only: How can anyone be so involved and yet be fake?

She had no answer. She never had any answer to my questions. Even after so many years, I still want this question to be answered, but I know I won’t ask her.

Plane landed with a jerk that woke me up. I took my time to get up.

Standing near window in bus and was staring at a distance trying to understand, why do I keep dreaming of my own past? This is how my past interfere my present and ruin my day, but not this time.

Welcome to Delhi.

It was 00:30am, I decided to rest first, booked an Oyo room then a cab. Delhi was 8 degree Celsius, and I was in a half t-shirt only. I felt if I am so hot or so hard that I don’t feel anything anymore.

Iris Park Hotel, their chefs were asleep, and I was hungry. I didn’t disturb them, instead I walked to a nearby bar to eat. I had to settle with starters only. It was 2:15 am when I returned to the hotel. Lying on bed, tired, want to sleep but something wasn’t allowing me. Turned on phone to watch some random YouTube videos.

When I went downstairs in the morning to know that the complementary breakfast time was over but they were kind enough to offer me breakfast on my few requests.

I entered my room with my phone ringing.

Hello… Okay. I’m coming.

I rested myself on the bed, staring at the ceiling, blank.

Silence took over the room.

I whispered to myself, It’s time to go.

I booked a cab.

The journey from the hotel to my destination was held by silence, silence of chaos, silence of screaming soul, silence of shouting books, silence of pain, silence of grief. I wanted to cry, but it was all drought in eyes.

AIIMS Delhi

A guard guided me to the cardiology building.

Reception,

Excuse me, can you please tell me the room number of…

A man approached me saying, come with me.

I know this man. He is the reason of me being here. I am thankful to him that he helped me. He is her husband, Arvind Sharma.

After walking through corridors, we were standing in front of a room that displayed 307.

Arvind asked me to step in first.

I fell numb, as if I had no strength to push a gate. I extended my shivering hand and pushed.

Stepped in to see a lady lying on bed, in hospital clothes with her oxygen mask on and a drip attached to her arm. She was sleeping. Nurse had her instructions clear that only one person can stay with patient and Arvind asked me to stay.

The drought in eyes brought the tears back. This is the girl I used to call my life is fighting for her life. I sat on a chair near her bed, held her lifeless hand. My touch woke her up. She looked at me with half-open eyes. I can see her smile through oxygen mask. A soft smile that contains relief, question and pain. It has been 6 years since I saw her last. Am I still able to decode her expressions? Love does this to me. It made me translate her minor expressions even when I am seeing her after years. In love, even if love ends, the language remains, the touch remains, the connection remains, the connectivity remains. We can still talk without words, we can still communicate with silence, we can still translate expressions, we are still connected with the same energy, we are still in the same world where we are still a couple. The bond we shared once is still alive, the promises we made to each other can still be carried on. We are so many years old yet fresh at this moment.

Her red eyelids and tears referred that she hasn’t slept well in the past days.

Surprised to see me here? I asked.

She nodded slightly and raised her eyebrows, asking how?

Arvind called me and said you want me here with you, I answered.

Her surprised reaction said, Impossible.

He told me, few days ago when high medication dosage made you unconscious, you were sleep speaking my name.

She tightly shut her eyes. S**t.

I smiled.

Maybe she has pushed me out of her conscious mind, but I still own a place in her subconscious. A place in subconscious means a place in bottom of the heart.

It is not about loyalty anymore, it is constant love, a love that never ended. A relationship that cannot be associated with any name, cannot be jailed in the boundaries of society, cannot be understood by everyone, cannot be tied in knots of rituals. It is as free as sky, as flowing water, as wind, as season, as free as it can be.

She tried getting up, I helped her.

She gestured me toward the drip as it was about to get over.

I went outside to call the nurse.

Nurse detached the drip, took off her mask and asked me call her husband.

She is not mine. She is now the wife of someone. I am not at her authority. I am her past. Arvind is her present. This realization made me sad, but I had to act as if nothing happened. I called Arvind.

Nurse permitted Arvind and me to stay with her unless she needs rest.

All three of us were in the room, me and Arvind sitting on the sofa and she on her bed.

We were skating on ice with random chats when she hammered a question that broke the ice into momentary silence.

Why did you come? She asked me.

Is she asking me because she know how much I love her and I cannot see her like this or is she asking because she didn’t want me here or is she asking because I have no rights left to show care for her or is she asking because I am disturbing her private space. Whatever it was, but I wanted to shout out loud and say because I love you, but confessing the truth when her husband is around, it's quite hard. No matter how much we oppose societal rules, but when we are asked or supposed to act like rebel, something deep inside us protests against it and these protests are societal rules we are tied in.

Arvind spoke before me. I called him here.

Silence.

I know you guys have so much to talk and I am the thrid wheel here, so I will take your leave and wait near reception, talk it out or fight it out, whatever you want and call me if you need anything, babe. Arvind said and left.

Babe, he calls her Babe. It was one of those thousands of names that I gave her. People constantly making me realize that she is not mine anymore. This feeling is frustrating, it is disturbing to accept that we are not each other anymore, and it hurts even after year. This one wound is being scratched every time this realization occurs.

Your girlfriend won’t be happy to see you here. She said.

I smiled in amazement. I am still carrying my words, I am single. I said.

Didn’t find any? She asked.

Didn’t want to find. I answered.

You have so many questions for me. Ask. I’ll answer each and every question before I my soul departs. She said.

My mind started repeating all the questions I had but none came out.

I am over all dilemmas. I said.

You are still a bad liar. She complimented.

Why are you here? I asked.

Atrial fibrillation, my heartbeats are irregular that made blood clots in my heart. I had a heart attack 2 months ago and after so many tests doctors suggested changing my blood and operate my heart to remove blood clots. I am here to get my blood changed, but my gut feeling says it won’t help. I’ll die soon. She answered.

I wanted to put my finger on her lips to shut her up, but I have no rights. Even she knows how exactly I would have reacted if this happened few years back.

I had so many things to say but I chose to answer the same question.

I am here because you were sleep speaking my name. Arvind told me he has no mercy for me but he loves you so much that he wants to fulfill your every wish.

Yeah, maybe he knows it too that I am not going to make it. She said.

This time, I put my finger on her lips to shut her up.

Realized I shouldn’t have and stepped back.

Why aren’t your parents here? I asked.

Because they are no more with us. She answered.

Sorry, what about his parents?

We eloped and they couldn’t accept it.

The lover in me wanted to ask why she left me, but the gentleman she made me decided against it.

Arvind arrived with a news, doctors are ready.

She said Good bye and Arvind hugged her saying I want you back with me.

I was hollow, wasn’t feeling anything.

Nurses took her to the operation theatre, and we prayed.