What I saw

Standing right behind me was a girl in a blue cap with a gold A on the front and she looked exactly like me. The second we saw eachother she bolted into the woods and a huge black dog ran after her. I turned to Evan but he was gone. Looking around I realized everyone was gone I was standing alone in an empty feild. I looked towards the edge of the woods and saw the girl who looked just like me staring back. I walked closer but jumped back and screamed as I watched her dog turn into a huge panther,

"Down boy," The girl commanded. Then she stuck out her hand I took it and all of a sudden we were in the middle of the woods.

"Who are you?" I screamed as I tried to keep my knees from locking

"Allison," she said as she disapeared behind a tree. I ran to the tree but she wasn't there. Her huge dog panther was staring me down and I was in the middle of making a plan to bolt when I felt an icy hand on my shoulder. I screamed and spun around. Allison was standing there in a flowing dreass that looked lik it was mado ice. On closer inspection I realized it was.

"Whats going on" I demanded stepping towards Allison, but I backed down as I heard Her dog snarl. Allison sighed and sat on a tree stump and motioned me beside her. I hesitantly sat.

"Well," Allison began,"I should begin by telling you that Evan is fine, but he will be out of town for a few days while we secure it."

I rose to turn on her, but before I could open my mouth I felt an icy snake like vine pulling me don and felt my mouth freeze over. The more I struggled the less progress I made.

"Now," Allison continued, " You were not really suppoed to see me until later, I was trying to get a better look at you before. Now as you may have guessed we are twins, however as you should also have figuered, we are not normal. When we were little it was discovered that a fire child had been born. It was also not long before they figuered out it was you. You were sent out to live where there would be less chance for you to ignite. I know that an alchoholic may not seem that safe for a fire child,"

At this I nodded so hard that another vine wrapped around my head, within seconds though Allison had it removed.

"But," Allison continued again,"You only ignite when there is no source for you to draw from, thus the flammability. Now you were sent out until you were less hostile and could control yourself. I have come to take you back to our village so you can train. But first you need to blend in."

Allison took off my hat and swcrunched it into a ball, i whimpered through my invisible ice gag.

"Oh!" Allison exclaimed and started to point all ofer my body. I felt myself thawing out as she continued to ball up my hat. Once I could move my lips I opened my mouth to speak, but ended up shreiking as my hat ignited into flames.

"What did you do!" I screamed. Allison only smiled and chucked the fireball at mee...

Author's Note

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Reviews

[Weaver]

comma after "on the front"
"eachother" - "each other" - comma after
comma after "into the woods"
comma after "to Evan"
comma after "Looking around"
period after "everyone was gone"
"empty feild" - "field"
comma after "walked closer"
"as I watched her dog" - change "watched" to "saw"?
"Down boy" - comma after ""Down"
"The girl commanded" - don't capitalize "the"
period after "her hand"
comma after "ran to the tree"
"huge dog panther" - "dog-panther" (sometimes ya gotta make up words to fit)
comma after "staring me down"
"I screamed and spun around" - This character screams a lot, doesn't she?
"flowing dreass" - "dress"
"mado ice" - "made of ice"
comma after "On closer inspection"
"Whats going on" - "What's" - question mark after "on"
comma after "I demanded"
"heard Her dog" - "her"
comma after "open my mouth"
"snake like vine" - "snake-like"
"don" - "down"
comma after "more I struggled"
"You were not really suppoed" - "you were not really supposed"
period, not comma, after "until later"
commas before and after "as you may have guessed"
period, not comma, after "twins"
comma after "However"
comma after "we were little"
period, not comma, after "safe for a fire child"
"You only ignite" - "you" (don't capitalize the first word after a dialogue tag if it is still part of the same sentence as before it)
comma after "Now"
"swcrunched" - "scrunched"
period, not comma, after "into a ball"
"i whimpered" - "I"
"all ofer" - "all over"
comma after "move my lips"
"shreiking"- "shrieking"
question mark, not exclamation point, after "What did you do"
"at mee" - "me"
There's a lot of background information here for both the reader and the narrating character to absorb at once, and I'm not convinced that her reaction is realistic. Sure, she screams when she sees the dog-panther, but then she just sits as Allison tells her all this stuff about the "fire child." Even though she can't speak, she should still have thoughts about what she is hearing. That's the sort of thing that helps flesh out a character.

[.shalynn.009.]

As Weaver did such a good job with his critique, I'll stick to a general view.

You have a good plot idea here, but, as QC said, you're really rushing through it and not giving the reader time to enjoy - and sometimes even figure out - what's going on. Also, you should read what you wrote before posting it so as to remove some of the grammatical and spelling errors (did you write it in Word or anything, because it generally has settings that catch these kinds of mistakes for you. Not that you should completely rely on this, but it would help, because errors, as I mentioned, are really distracting to a reader). But mostly, I would say slow down the pace and really work on filling out the characters adn the scenes and settings. That's what's really going to up the quality of this piece.

On a side note, are you really twelve? This is very good for your age. I was way below this writing level when I was twelve. Heck, I wasn't even attempting this kind of thing at your age. Kudos for that. And good job on this. Even though it needs work, it has potential and this is a good start.

READ WRITE REVIEW

[QC]

It seems as though you're trying to rush through this. Why? Lol it would be nicer if you paced it out. It's interesting, but the rushing of everything sort of kills it a little. Don't get me wrong, though--I love you're writing, Blu (:

[Lowesy]

interesting, there are a few mistakes here and there, just typos mainly. I enjoyed it, it moved along nicely with an easy pace, the description was good but I do feel you could do better, for example the dog, what did it look like? what breed? how did it look at you and how did it make you feel? did it snarl and growl? or look at you with curiosity? same goes for the characters, you tell us of their actions quite a few times, but not so much with how they feel. Heart pounding? Sweat dripping despite the cold feeling? Hands tremblings? Eyes darting? Breathing heavy or short sharp breaths?
Anyway, hope this helps.

Mark