My Life

A question of my life

My life:

 

I once thought I could never love again.  Then I meet a woman that made me believe there was hope. She made me believe in love again.  I was happy, I was rejoicing.

We spent every moment we could together, we never fought.  We just loved out time together.

Then something changed, something inside me had died.  I found myself fighting a war with in myself.  A war from a not too distant past.  A war that had hardened my soul and darkened my heart, I felt numb. I felt  alone. I felt ashamed. 

My love did not understand what had happened to me.  She just couldn’t understand why I had changed. 

I tried to explain, I tried to show her, yet nothing I did ever seemed to help. 

I felt I couldn’t survive.  I felt guilty.  I thought to myself, what has become of me, why did I change.

I wondered if anyone noticed me.  I was scared. 

I felt my love slipping away. 

Within time my true love I had noticed was distancing herself.  I felt more alone.

I did not understand, the more I searched for answer, the more I realized I was not alone. 

I had found others who were suffering, and were scared.

I found others who were guilty.  We were all numb inside.

No one understood us; no one wanted to understand us.

We all sought help, we all got treated, yet we were not the same person we were before the war in our past.

Then I awoke one day to find my love of a life time had left me.  She said I wasn’t the man she had meet.

Again I searched for answers, again I found myself scared and alone.

I wondered why she left, I wondered where she had went.

Again I sought help, and again I found others.

In my search I discovered I was not the same man, I different, I am unique, I am sick.

I found I had suffered from and invisible disease.

I learned no one who does not suffer from this disease do not understand.

They do not realize we are sick, they do not realize we need help.

They do not seem to want to take the time to learn our weaknesses and our strengths.

When a stranger passes me on the street, they do not know I am sick.  When they learn they quickly move on.

I ask myself, why me, why am I sick?

Why did I survive, why did my friends not.

I find myself regretting things I have no choice over.

I find myself longing for the love I have lost.

I am numb, I am scared.  I am weak, when once I was strong

I ask myself, why do they not understand

I ask myself, why do I not understand?

My love is gone now, she just wouldn’t stay.

I am alone, I am scared.

When you see me on the street you will not know I am sick.  I will not tell you I am sick.

I have my friends who have paid the ultimate price; sometimes I think they are the lucky ones.

I survived.

Now I live one day at a time, I am alone, I am scared, but I am alive.

I find myself wanting to return to a time when life was simple, I was well. 

Today I am alone, I am scared, I am alive while my friend lays in a cold dark tomb.

What has become of me?

I miss my friend, I miss my love, I miss my life.

Will my love return, will she realize I love her?

I was asked to fight for my life, now I fight for my life back.

I fight for my love back, I miss my friend.

Those that do not know do not understand.

Those that understand do not want you to know.

I am sick, you will never know

You see me on the street, you see me in a business, I appear fine.

Still the battle rages on with in me.

Thousands suffer, and no one knows.

You call me a drunk.  You call me crazy.

I struggle with relationships, I struggle with work.  I struggle with finances.

I am the man who gave you the right to live the way you do.

I am the man who gave you the right to leave.

I am the man who gave you the right to take my love away.

I fought for my life and returned; now I fight for my life to survive.

You do not understand, you just think I am crazy.

I have walked in the valley of the shadow of death and survived.

I now suffer from the invisible disease of post-traumatic stress disorder.

I am a combat veteran, I am a survivor.

I live alone, I live scared, but I live

If you see my love, tell her I love her,

Tell her I miss her.

Tell her I am alive.

When you see a veteran, thank him.

When you see that veteran, tell him you understand.

Someday I will join my friend, just not today.

Someday I will love again.

 

      The Hitman 0069  Portland Oregon

Reviews

[ni ni]

Wow, I went through so many emotions reading this. I also tried to figure out the whole time what your sickness was. (Please beg my pardon if that was in any way offensive). But this is a really nice and also easy to read peice, and I wish you the very best of luck in the rest of life.

[Hitman]

In life you will pass many people who you might not know are sick, they might not even know, but mental illness can often be over looked.
Thank you for reading my story

[Kyle Sky]

Good.It was simply understood and strongly expressed.The mood really produced strongly. Just great.

[Tina Kline]

A very powerful, compelling and emotional story. A very painful and dark struggle you're going through. You wrote this in a very readable engaging fashion.

And, thanks for serving.

[Hitman]

Thank you for reading my work