Sunset

Just an insomniac's mind.

Zita breathed in and out slowly in the cool San Francisco air. Trying to clear her head, she pulled a cigarette out of her breast pocket and lit it. She stood there staring at the tip for a moment, wondering what it would feel like to be inside an ember. She shook her head and inhaled the acrid smoke deeply.

"Oh, your perfect pink lungs," her friend Frankie said mockingly and held her own cigarette out for a light. They stood there together and looked at the scarlet sunset bleeding into the harbor. 

"Hey, it's just like old times, you know?" Zita said and took another long drag on her cigarette. "You, me, the sun, the moon, the whole of California...." She decided she didn't want to smoke after all and ground her cigarette under her heel.

She looked out at the harbor again. "It's the moon's fault, you know?" Frankie just looked at her. "See, the sun's slit her wrists in the tub." Zita said and pointed it out with a freezing hand. "And the moon's just standing over her, watching the blood, because he drove her to it. You dig?"

Frankie laughed. "Zita, get a life. Or a hobby."

Zita smiled bitterly and sighed. "Honey, this is my hobby." She laughed. "C'mon, let's go." 

"Where?" Frankie too put out her cigarette. "I know--let's go for a swim."

"Where? The harbor? You're insane!" Something about Frankie told Zita that she was being completely serious. She groaned. "Oh, glory." Even so, she clasped her friend's hand; she wasn't one to pass up something like this.

"Ready?" Frankie asked. "As I'll ever be." Zita replied, and they ran towards the harbor. 

"One," Frankie counted. A passing gull stared at them strangely. "Two," Zita could have sworn the sun winked at them. "Three!"

Author's Note

Just something I wrote in the past five minutes. Don't expect anything else with them. Constructive criticism?

Reviews

[VincentRayne]

I really liked this short story. I could feel and see what was going on. There is one thing that I wish that could be added, but I'm not saying that this is a must. If there were more dialogue between the characters. Don't get me wrong because what you had was already excellent and I was drawn in very well. It's like watching the end of a movie that you wish would go one for a little longer or even playing a game. I also loved the metaphor you had about the sun and the moon. It easily tells us a lot about Zita. She's a person that is not only creative but doesn't seem bound to reality like most other people and Frankie makes as a good supporting character trying to see things the same way her friend does.

[E. L. Foley]

A great little scene--you've definitely captured a great atmosphere here. The only bit about the dialogue i didn't quite believe was the "you dig?".

[ChloeKirk]

Good. I think I have had this conversation about smoking before myself. Nice dialoge, crisp back-and-forth between Zita and Frankie.

[suraj]

heyy .. ok so i just joined .. and this is going to be my first "review" as such .. so yea.. . i think you could try being a little more descriptive .. i think, essentially you must picture the scene from the readers point of view .. and try and get him into the scenario .. make it as life-like as possible .. you know - make me feel as if im standing right beside your characters and slowly draw me into them ..
cheers :)