Prison

This describes my mental health.

It is a life-sentence I never expected. Only I am a prisoner in my own body. Shackled to the thoughts that keep repeating, like your favorite summer song, only this one doesn’t end when the season does. Putting on the same uniform every morning, if you even manage to get up. Eating the same food, if you can hold it down long enough. Throughout the day sitting in the same cell surrounded by your own inner demons, trying to think of something else. Only you can’t.

Trauma is a steep slide I can’t see the bottom of. It’s a never-ending ride and the only way to stop it is to jump off. I jumped three times. After the third time, I realized it was useless, I was useless. Just like a high maximum prison, I sat in my cell and rotted from the inside out.

It’s like trying to swim or at least stay afloat but having your hands and feet bound with chains while being attached to a cinder block and when you come up to fill your lungs you get a quick glance of the world and it is on fire suffocating the little air you barely have. It is like stubbing your toes on the corner of furniture for every hour, every minute, every second of every day. It is a pain that is hard to explain to those who have never experience it and I hope you never do.

 A solitude that cannot be compared; because anyone who even dares to come close gets pushed so far that I become an unwanted memory. I do this because I care. I do this so no one else can become a prisoner, I do this because I do not want a cellmate. I do this because the routine that I have is not living.

I am the walking dead and the thing is I am much more comfortable being in this cell. On some days I am released due to good behavior, but even the smallest offense puts me in solitude again. It is a constant battle, filing for an appeal time after time only to be denied. But I still hang on to the little hope I have left, one day there will be an error in my case and I will be acquitted. Until that day comes I will keep track of the days that pass on my cell wall.  

 

Reviews

[Curtis.Lenker]

This poem relates to me so much. I have several mental illnesses. I have depression, anxiety, bdp, and a slight case of ocd. This poem is so amazing. It describes my daily fight so well. I love this piece. Its one of the most powerful poems I have read in awhile. I look forward to reading more of your work.

[hildaarlette]

Thank you so much!

[Words of Wisdumb]

The concept of being in a prison of our own construct is universal. I never forget the words of a man imprisoned in a German death camp. "I can't change anything but the way I feel". Obviously easier said than done. You have put into words what so many feel, as confirmed by The Awesome One's comment. Beautiful Work!