10 reasons not to die todayA Story by Zahida Aim of the book: This book is written to help those who struggles with suicidal thoughts. The story is about Diana, an agnostic/atheist who suffered from suicidal thoughts. It's a story about how she Chapter 1. The birds are still chirping Mon,
14th Sept 2015 7:00
am The
Library's café
Life
is tough out there. Admittedly, nobody likes the pressure. Especially me.
Society pressure people from the very beginning to function as normal, excel in
school, find a good job so I can be an obedient tax-paying citizen, chain
myself to huge debt to buy a house and get married only to create a child so he
can perpetuate the cycle. In
truth, I never understand this thing that people called life either. I
suffered from a bad anxiety and psychological pain that stems from a traumatic
childhood. And when you're inflicted with such psychological pain for years,
it's suffice to say that suicide seems to be the only viable option to numb the
pain. After all, life is pretty meaningless, and I am convinced there is
nothing left for me in this world now. Except
taxes and debt, of course. But
hey �" The birds are still chirping outside. No
matter how viciously this world crushes my spirit, strangely I do find that
listening to the song of birds singing uplifts my weary and tired soul, as if
they possess some kind of magic that can brings back my spirit from death. Life
feels good, at least for this moment. Those
wild birds that sit on the branches of trees are singing me a happy song,
giving me strength to face another tough day at work today. They're rooting for
me - why, thank you darling. The morning sun shines through maple leaves
and the cold breeze of autumn is blowing gently between the trees, shedding
dead leaves to the earth. The sound of dead leaves rustling under my feet as I
walk towards my office. And look at that tiny little squirrel! he already wakes
up to find some food for his rumbling belly. Well, aren't we all struggling to
put some bread on the table? The heart find great solace from listening to the song of nature. If
I die today, I could never wake up to the sound of little birds singing again.
I could never bask in rays of sunshine or feels the soft breeze of autumn
caressing my face. And what about the naughty squirrel that comes often to my
balcony, sneaking his way in for a little treat? Who's going to replace me and
place some nuts at the balcony for my little friend? You
see, I shall not die today. Not yet. Not until the birds stop chirping.
Chapter 2. What if heaven and hell are
real? Fri,
25th September 2015 12
midnight My
apartment rooftop - I couldn't sleep As someone who contemplated suicide 99% of
the time, the question of what comes after life intrigued me the most. After
all, if I am pretty sure to end my life right now, I need to be sure of what's
waiting ahead of me. Humankind seems to have trouble coming to
grips with mortality. We yearn for a life beyond what is offered on our plane
of existence. The concept of immortality appeals to tired souls who seek
greater purpose in life. I was raised in an atheist household to
believe in a godless world. As a little girl, I remember asking my once-sober
father about God in the middle of the night, following the death of my beloved
grandfather. He hugged me and whispered, "If a good God does exist, He
could stop all human suffering. Why wouldn't He create a perfect universe in
the first place? That's because there isn't any God out there. Now hush, go
back to sleep." From an atheist perspective, there is no
scientific evidence to support the existence of God. Stephen Hawking, the great
physicist once said that, "One can't prove
that God doesn't exist, but science makes God unnecessary". Recently, I read about a scientist who can prove that God doesn't
exist. However, I also read about a neurosurgeon who confirms that the
afterlife exist. Overall, my research finding sends me into a whirl of dazzling
confusion. Is there a purpose to our existence? Did God, with deliberate
calculation created this world or are we some result of random events? I wish I could ask dead ones
about life after death, but they couldn't talk back to tell us what they see,
isn't it true? The dead ones have real answers to my question. The living ones
are debating endlessly about it, proving each other wrong with their own set of
supportive argument. How can someone be so sure that God does/doesn't exist? I don't. We are
literally living in the midst of a jungle of theories and ideologies. How do
you tell right from wrong? If God doesn’t exist, then there is no afterlife. I could just kill
myself and let my body decomposed in the ground. But if good God is real, then heaven and hell do exist. That's a whole
other story. There is an awesome future beyond the grave, as told by religious
scripture about heaven, though forever is a long time to be tormented in
hellfire. Nope, I couldn’t die today. There is a lot work and research need to
be done from my part - not until I'm a bit surer of what's waiting ahead of me.
Chapter 3. That someone Sat,
10th Oct 2015 8:30
pm My
bedroom
They told me that every person is born
gifted. That however is the worst lie to ever exist. To
be completely honest, I felt empty, worthless and useless to modern society. I
do not have the intelligence and financial means like Mark Zuckerberg to change
the world for the better. Nor do I have the courage as Malala Yousafzai to
stand up for what I believe is right, even if it means risking my life for
greater purpose. These are people that I admired so much from afar, but the
truth remains �" I am nothing like them. I've got a job that I never enjoy doing. My
alcoholic father is breaking our family apart with his abusive behaviors.
Friends and acquaintances go in and out of my life, leaving me to wonder if I
ever had a true friend at all. Financially I am screwed. I've got a huge credit
card debt like a dark cloud hanging over my head. And relationships? I couldn't
get past this one guy whom I dated a year ago. The pinnacle of adulthood is when one
reaches maturity and contribute back for the improvement of the society in
which we live. Constantly making the world better, is that not what life is really
all about? I, however, am incapable of participating
or contributing to society. I've got no great gift to share with the world. I'm
not really worth anything and I fear that one day I'll end up becoming a burden
to the very society that I seek desperately to help. Sometimes, life kicks me so much so that at
one point, I felt that I should just commit suicide. The whole world would be
better off without me. Maybe I should just jump off the balcony,
really.
But hey - What about my little brother? He is battling severe depression. Last year
before Christmas he broke down and hurt himself in a great flame of anger. It
was like a scene in horror movie, except it was happening in real life. There
was a sea of blood everywhere and a motionless body at the corner of his room.
We rushed to the hospital, blaming one another for the accident. With the
exception of our drunken father, me and mother frantically waited outside of
emergency room, praying for his very life. Say that I choose to jump off the balcony
today. What if one day he chooses to end his life, just like his older sister? I feel like I am betraying his trust. He
looked up to me so much. How can I? I
was the first in our extended family to study abroad with a fully funded
scholarship. In a way, I did prove that despite our family problems, we all can
succeed, and so can he. No please, he couldn't die �" He has so
much life to live for The thought of him committing suicide after
me causes a sudden electrical shiver down my spine. I'd be crying from my grave
miserably for all the opportunities and future life he missed. The whole point
of committing suicide was to ease my pain, but it seems that whatever demon is
inside me gains success finding his way to scare me from the grave. Maybe the whole point of this is not to
end my life, but to battle this fight together. Nope, I couldn't die yet. At least not
today.
Chapter 4. There is meaning behind every
suffering Fri,
23th Oct 2015 7:30
pm Yu
Jin's apartment Today I went to Yu Jin's place to check her
out. Her voice was trembling - she didn't sounds very well on the telephone.
And my god, her place was a big mess when I first entered. She was always messy
but this time, it was messier than ever. Empty pizza boxes and vodka bottles were
everywhere. It was obvious that she couldn’t take her recent breakup with Omar
very well. I always thought that interfaith dating was
a foolish idea. After all Omar is a Pakistani Muslim and she is a Korean girl.
Not trying to be racist here but there is a huge stake for that �" turns out
both of their families didn’t approve the relationship. And now Yu Jin was devastated beyond words.
She took emergency leave and hadn't come out of her place for days, trying to
drown her sadness with vodka and pills. I couldn’t blame her totally �" at
6'1" tall, with an athletic figure and a charming smile, Omar was
impossible to resist. They'd be perfect couple if not for the
case of religion, in my opinion. The very essence of religion was to unite people, but history proves it to be
otherwise. How much blood sheds and heart breaks because of this thing that we
called faith? She was still sleeping soundly at the
couch, not even realizing when I entered her place. I was going to hang up my
jacket at the wall mounted coat rack when I suddenly saw a book beside her - There
is Meaning behind All Suffering. It was evident the break-up was killing
her. The Yu Jin that I know isn't the type who reads. I'm going to help clean her place first
before she wake up later. Let's just
hope she moves on pretty soon.
*** " Yu Jin, wake up! It's me �" you
okay?" I tapped gently on her knee. She opened her eyes slightly, her forehead
pinched in a troubled frown as she looked at me. Gosh, she looked like a drunk
middle-aged man who hadn't been sober since the death of his wife. "Uhm D, hey - what time did you get
here?" She mumbles before letting out a large yawn. After stretching for a
few minutes, she got up and sat properly at the left side of the couch. "Around 8. You're okay, honey?" I
asked as I sit beside her. Sighing, Yu Jin turned her face to the
empty wall. Tears started forming in her eyes. She looked back at me in silence
for a few seconds before finally letting tears roll down her cheek. Oh crap. She really is not okay. "Oh honey..." I hugged her while
letting her sob into my shoulder. Her voice sounded like a thickening croak
as her sobs grew louder. "I don't wanna live without him." "Shh.. don't say things like
that" "D, What have I done wrong to deserve
this? Why does God makes my life miserable again, after He gave me reasons to
smile?" She continued sobbing,
asking me questions that only a God can answer. "Shh.. You've done nothing wrong"
I murmured, tenderly stroking her hair to calm her feelings. "Oh honey..." I said, letting out
a heavy sigh. I wish I knew the answers to her
questions. I do. I really really do. *** Sat,
24th Oct 2015 12:15
pm Yu
Jin's apartment It's past twelve midnight and Yu Jin is
already tucked in her own bed sleeping. I decided to stay at her place tonight
�" No one should be left alone on rough days like this. My
back is sore after cleaning nonstop for two hours. I collected all her pictures
with Omar and hid them in a box behind a cupboard. She'll thank me later for
helping her to move on. I wasn’t sleepy yet, so I grab her book and
read it. There is Meaning behind All Suffering.The pain must be
indescribable for her to start looking for this book. The book
was written by a theology professor at some well-known university, who
wrote from the perspective of Islam. As a religion that was typically portrayed
as inherently violence and outdated by western media, I was shocked to learn
about Islam and the concept of human freedom. It makes perfect sense to me that man is
granted freedom for the purpose of being tested in this world. The birthright
of a man is to use his free will, even if that means to disobey God. I was surprised to learn that individuals
of noble characters weren't produced in times of prosperity. Rather, they are
born out of abnormal conditions, into a life marked with struggles and severe
afflictions from the beginning. Ironically because of this thing that we called
free will, utopian society remains a far-fetched dream. There would always
be individuals, corporations or even nations who would create resistance and
chaos, harming others as a part of their own survival strategy. The unfavorable circumstances that surround
our life are in fact acts as a training ground to produce souls of high moral
standards and personal integrity. Those who are worthy of inhabiting heavens
goes through great trial and tribulations, and endure it with great struggles. So the utmost importance to God wasn’t
the creation of ideal society, but of the maintenance of human freedom. Hmm It makes sense now that God does exist
despite human suffering. The notion of "If the all powerful and loving
God exists, why He allows so much evil and suffering" seems irrelevant
to me now. God intended us to choose between right and
wrong. And so to hold mankind accountable for their actions, God created heaven
and hellfire. Although man appeared to be free in this world, God has a
complete records of each man's action throughout his life, which will be
reopened on the Day of Judgment. There are no ways in which you can wiped
cleaned of all your sins and started with a clean slate like politicians in
this country do - Behave badly and you will be welcomed by blazing fire into
eternal hellfire. This concept is very beautiful to me, given
that the purpose of religion is to formed and maintain human being of high
caliber. However, being an atheist/agnostic, a small part of me wanted to see
heaven for myself in order to believe it's true. Given another thought, surely a supreme God
that has created man, moon and the universe that can be sense through our five
senses can also create the undetected world? For decades, scientists have
failed to answer the question that revolves around God. The science field only
covers physical world �" anything beyond our senses can hardly be discussed
within scientific realm. What if we cannot see God, heaven and
hellfire because of our human limitations? Was it fair for a blind man to say
they aren't any rainbow out there just because he cannot see them for himself?
If a nation of blind men claimed there were none, would that makes rainbows
cease to exist? Years ago I read about universalism - the concept that everyone will go to
heaven. I rejected the belief a long time ago. If that were true, then why was
Hell is created at the first place? For God's own amusement? Why bother to
behave if just anybody is welcome to heaven? I might as well kill my psychotic
boss now and wipe my hands free of sins. It doesn’t make any sense to me,
hardly at all. I have never studied Islam in depth, and to
be honest I was never interested in studying this religion either. Strangely enough I found
myself agreeing with what I read. As cliché as this might sounds, there really
is meaning behind human suffering. No, I shouldn't kill myself yet �" not until
I'm satisfied with answers to questions I seek.
Chapter 5: We might touch others with
our existence Wed,
25th Nov 2015 8:00
pm On my
way home
Today my job knocked me down again. After
two accounting mistakes, finally my manager told me to hand over my resignation
letter in a week. Man, I'm getting blow after blow in life. Is this some sort of a hidden blessing or
am I just being toyed around by life? I couldn't blame my boss totally either.
Accounting isn't something I'm passionate about. This routine job has sucked
the life out of me, leaving me completely drained by the end of the day. And
when you're demotivated to do the job, it shows up through the mistake that
you've made. Frankly speaking, I have never felt out of places like this. Lord,
whatever had happened to me? I was once a bright straight
A's student in my high school. I love studying and would always competing to be
on top of my game. Then I went to university with a fully funded scholarship,
majoring in Engineering. That's when my life starts to roll down �" my passion
in learning starts to disappeared, and I couldn't excel in exams no more. I was so used of being top 1st class in my high school so
it was a major blow to my self-esteem to be considered as 'below-average'
students. To make matter worst, I couldn't opted out of engineering either �"
The company that funded me gave me two options: either I finish my degree fully
funded by them or quit the course and repay their funds. Our family didn’t have the money to give away for free. So I strive to
finish my degree anyways and went to work in accounting field afterwards �" but
still it doesn’t felt right to me. Dear Lord, hear me. It's painful to live without a clear direction. Why am I here? What is my purpose in life? Why do you send me to the world for? As if that weren't enough problems, life suddenly decided to throw
another lemon at me. Left with no job, now I'm one step
closer to being homeless. And perfect enough, today Peter is coming to crash at
my place. How am I supposed to tell him that his sister can't keep her freaking
job? Where can I find money for his school? I feel like jumping into the path of an
oncoming train now. *** "So Peter, how's home and everything?" I asked while setting up table for dinner. "Pretty good so far. Dad beat me half
to death yesterday, for one boxer I left at the corner of my room. Said I'm a
piece of s**t, shouldn't have been born from the beginning", He said this
nonchalantly as he sat down and put some
of spicy aglio olio spaghetti on his
plate. "He beat you again?" I asked as I
drank water, trying to clear the spicy sensation on my throat. I wasn’t even shocked to hear this. We were
being beaten every day for the slightest mistake �" I remember how I was getting
beaten for making dinner when I was 17. Apparently the sound of me making soup
in kitchen interrupted his sleep, giving him excuses to kick me in the stomach.
He threw all my soup in the drain, leaving us going to bed with an empty belly
that night. That's the logic when you are being raised
by an alcoholic father. "I'm tired of living with him. And mom
ain't gonna do nothing either she just stare blankly, letting her tears fall
watching dad beat the s**t out of me - like that's gonna help. I'm tired of
this sickening life. Why can't I stay with you?" He snapped. "It's not that you couldn’t stay here,
Peter I..." "Not having enough money to support
me, is it?" he looked at me with a stern expression on his face. "D, I don't care, I'm used sleeping
with rumbling belly at night. I don't ask much from you I just.." God. That's it " I just lost my job today, Peter. And
yes you can stay, but know that we are under a tight budget here. Also, I don’t
want you to skip classes. If you're going to stay here then would you be
willing to work a part time job for your own pocket money? I asked him. He knew how much I hated him to skip
classes. Our father may not care about his education, but I am so going to
whoop his a*s if he even dares to do it. "I could do that. Thanks, duckface. I
meant it." "Now finish your meal." *** It's 1 am in the morning now. I sit in
front of a balcony, sitting in dim light as I think about my life. Peter has
gone to sleep by now. What shall I do with my life? How am I suppose to put bread on the
table? Are we going to be homeless? I sip my hot chocolate trying to calm
myself down. That thought made me shiver. I sat my back against the wall, hugging my
knees, and gazing silently at the starry sky. My heart trembles upon the thought. God, if you exist out there, hear my
prayers. Help.
"You okay, sis? " I turned around, squinching my eyes to see in the dim light. Peter is coming out of the bathroom and walking straight to me. He sits in front of me, holding my knees.
"Diana? Hey, what's wrong?" he looked worried. "Nothing �" I'm afraid if I can't find
money to put bread on the table and pay the rents. I'm out of a job now Pete,
it's terrifying." I tried to calm myself down, letting out
another breath before trying to speak. "And worst of all, I hated the fact
that I'm going through this life without a clear sense of direction �" I can't
do engineering and while accounting is much easier, it's not my passion to
begin with. What shall I do with my time on earth?" "You sure look lost now, but I think
you should give yourself some time. Finding one passion isn't an easy task but
well, if you would have asked me, I'm sure you'll manage to pull out of this. I
believe in you." "How can you be so sure?" "Well, look at you. Even though our
family is fucked up, you manage to endure and earn your degree for free. Life
keeps throwing you lemons but you keep bouncing off. You're f*****g amazing,
sis. Just give some time and have faith in yourself" He said. "Don’t worry, we will find a way to
finance ourselves. We've been through s***s much scarier than this. The reason
why I am here, after all we have gone through is that I looked up on you all
this time. You made me not want to give up. " The memory of sending Pete to the hospital
after his attempt to kill himself sprang into my mind. I still remember that
day vividly �" it's the first day I was brought to my knees, praying to God the
first time for his very life. Peter endured it well too, and I am so glad
he is alive today. Now I felt like crying. "Oh Pete. I hope we'll manage to pull
out of this." Tears start to dwell in my eyes. He kissed my forehead and hugged me. "
Don't worry, sis. There's nothing to be scared of. We've been through pits of
hell and crawled out alive. We can do this."
Chapter 6. Someone out there who would
help. Fri,
11th Dec 2015 5:00pm Den's
House Café' Uncle Ben called me yesterday, asking for a
short meet-up to catch up today. I agreed. Though he didn’t mentioned it, I
kinda knew anyway - he probably heard from Mum about Peter running away from
home and would likely to probe deeper about it. Mum would probably be worried about Peter
now. I felt guilty of not telling her that he is safe with me, but I have a
strong reason behind this �" my alcoholic father would probably tracked him down
had he received the news from my mother.
Our innocent mother didn’t know how to lie - and so he would use a lot of
tactics, from guilt-tripping to threatening her, making her terrified enough so
she would blurt the truth out. I felt sad that she is being used and abused by
our father, but part of me felt angry at her too, for handing him the power to
abuse her. If only she was brave enough to stand
for herself and us, this wouldn’t be happening. I
release a heavy sigh into the wind. My patient and kind mother. I wondered how
is she now? *** "Diana! My girl, look at you! It's
been such a long time. You're a beautiful grown woman now!" Uncle
Ben greeted me with warm hugs in a small café'. How time flies - we haven't seen each other
for 2 years long. There are more white hair on his head and beard now. To my
surprise, he gained extra weight too. I replied his hugs and gave a small peck on
his cheek. It's nice to see him after all this years. "How are you?" I asked while
releasing him from my hugs. "Well, pretty much the same - except
that my waist size is getting bigger by day. And you?" He grinned, showing
lines of yellow teeth at me. I chuckled listening to his answer. He was
still the same Uncle Ben that I know. The memories of my childhood with Peter
and him playing kites in summer breeze came flashing in nano-seconds. "Yeah,
me too." Uncle Ben is my father's half brother �"
they share the same mother, but different father. Unlike my father, he was
hardly a hot tempered person �" he was
much relaxed and easy going, a fun man to be around with. Sadly, he has never
been remarried after the death of aunt Sara 5 years ago. They do not have any
child together but they were the most romantic and loving couple I've ever seen
in life. He took the last bite of chocolate cake and
drank all of the orange juice until the last drop. This is another criteria of
Uncle Ben that I like �" He would never let any food go to waste. "So D, I've heard from your mum that
Pete runs away from home? Did you know anything about it?" He asked me
casually while trying to wipe his mouth with his handkerchief. "Yeah, I sort of heard that too �" but
I won't blame Pete for that. Nobody could stand the abusive environment in that
house." I paused. "Well
technically nobody, except Mum" I retorted back. He sensed the sarcastic tone in my voice,
but did not attempt to fight me back. "D, I understand that you feel angry
now to your parents but your mum is pretty worried about Peter's safety and
whereabouts. She understands that the house is a hostile environment for Peter
too and though she misses him, she does not wish him to return - all she asked
from me was to conformed whether he is safe or not." "Did by any chances, he came to find
you here?" He asked. "Well, what does our father said about
it?" I didn’t reply, but instead shoot him with another question. He release out a heavy sigh. "That both of you are ungrateful child
who deserves to die, but we both know that's untrue. Ignore him - Your mother
sends her regards and said that she wish you great success in any field you
choose to endeavor in" He replied softly. "Anne told me how proud she was to
have you as her daughter. You possessed the strength of will to carve your life
from scratches even when the situation you're in are highly unfavorable. She
wants you to know that she loves Peter and you dearly and there is not a day
that goes bypass where she did not thinks of both of you" Sigh. My
mother didn’t knew that I am battling with suicidal thoughts in this 4 years. I
was once strong, but sadly my strength seems to be dissipated away.. "If only she was brave enough to leave
father, the three of us could start and build a new life together. But she was
always too afraid to start anything new. Always too eager to please him, and
for God sake she would asked permission from him in everything, though she knew
he would never say yes to anything we requested. I couldn’t understand her �"
why devoting your life to someone who do not appreciate you at all?" "I hated father for everything he did
to us, but I resent her more because of her silence." I took a gulp of
water, trying to clear the ache in my chest. He release a heavy sigh too. *** Peter come to join us shortly and Uncle Ben
was shocked yet happy to see him. I didn’t want to mentioned it to him
firsthand, and I glad I didn’t - the look at his face tells everything. Both of them hugged tightly and uncle Ben
whispers something to his ear, but still edible for me to hear. "Thank goodness you're here." They both take a seat in front of me. He
kept caressing his head as if Pete was a five year old child. "Tell Mum not to worry - Pete is very
safe in here. Just don't tell her and father that he is with me - I'm afraid he
would find a way to harm Pete and me, just in case" I told him. "I supposed so, I could see that Pete
is happy here with you. If there is anything you guys need, come find me.
" He replied. "Speaking of favor, yes I do need a favor from you. Not for me, but
for D" Pete said, looking at me seriously. I look at him dumbfoundedly. " Huh?
What for?" "D is a bit lost right now. She tried
engineering then accounting and neither likes both. Frankly speaking I hate to
see her self-esteem shattered like this. I remembered when we were young, you
quit your job to open your restaurant and you haven't turned back ever since.
Thought maybe you could share with us, ya know on how'd you discovered
your life direction" Pete explained. Uncle Ben looked back at me and clear his
throat before speaking. "uh-uh" "Well I'm glad you asked. You came to
the right person for this question. Before you were born, I was lost when I was
young too for a couple of years. It took me doing some soul searching before I
knew that I really want a restaurant. Rome wasn’t built in a day, child."
He gazed at me and smiled. "You need to imagine your dream life
first, if money isn't the problem. Take a pen and a piece of paper. Write in as
details as you could be. Think about where you would live, with whom, and how
you would spend your days. When you are certain that is how you want to live
your life, make some organized plan to make your dream comes true." I pulled some paper and a pen out of my
handbag and start to scribble some words on it. He tapped my hand gently, putting my
writing on stop. "Trust your guts and instinct �" focus not on what is
right but what felt right to you."
Done. I
showed it to him and Peter. "Good. See, you do have a rough idea
about it. Now it's time for you to develop a strategic plan. This is the
toughest part for most of people. The part where people fail and never get up
again. "The distinctions between winners and
losers is that winners have specific goals to achieve within a time frame.
Their goals are solid. They are willing to take action and even risk if it
seems necessary. Losers are the ones who dream endlessly, without putting it
into action. Don’t be that girl." He told me. "I know that right now you feel
terrified, out of place and lost. That is because you're venturing into
something new, something you've never done before. But trust your instinct, and
let go of the fear. Everything will be fine" He smiled. "And if she fails again?" Peter
asked. "Come find me and we'll find a way to
help your sister out. But first she needs to have a plan �" Can't do anything
without that." *** As I walked home with Peter, I continue to
think of Uncle Ben's words. Rome wasn’t build in a day. I might be lost
and wandering without direction now, but it was never too late to start again.
The struggle is real, but with dedication and perseverance you could always take things to the next
level. Life is indeed scary, but being dead is
scary too. Both requires us to venture into the world of the unknown. I figured
that I would try writing first, trust myself this one time to turn things
around. Nope, I couldn't die yet. Not until at
least I had tried.
Chapter 7. Things will get better. Tue,
15th Dec 2015 4:30
am The
kitchen Following my previous meeting with Uncle
Ben, I decided to take action as advised by him. I committed myself to write 2
hours everyday. I opened my laptop and literally started writing every morning
like that. For every hour that I dedicated to write, I
felt much better about myself. I mean, my writing isn't that skillful yet, but
at least my mind is focused on something better than suicide. It felt good to
be productive. Yu Jin is becoming better too. She started enrolling in Yoga and
uses her free time to engage in volunteering activities. I am so proud of her
for pulling herself through difficult times. When people are lost and confused, it's
easy to get pulled in towards negativity. Having a clear purpose in life act as
a light that would guide a man through it and serves as a motivation to keep
him pushing forward. And God, by his mercy has descended to
mankind a holy book that serves to guide mankind towards the straight path.
I've learned from Quran that the purpose of this life is to worship God, and be
wary of the Day of Judgment, where each mortals shall receive their book of
deeds and their fate is determined; whether to be welcomed at gates of heaven
or be thrown into the hellfire. Understanding this mere fact gives me
strength to continue living. Part of my life's puzzle was being solved and I
couldn’t be more contented. I felt like I am being reborn again, as if I was
bring forth from darkness into the light. The hideous moment that we have gone
through does not define who we are. If ever, they come to teach us lessons in
life. The history books are full with people who fought back with ferocity for
their very existence. Life was never meant to be easy for anybody. Things will get better. I believe in that.
This is as bad as it can get.
Chapter 8: Live long enough to see the
fruit of your labor. 25th
Jan 2016 11:45
pm New
apartment It's been two months since I lost my job.
I've sent my resume out, went into some interviews but still haven’t got any
call yet. But that’s okay, cause I didn’t like the job position that is being
offered to me last time. It's a global company and the manager wants me to
consider joining their Account Payable team (AP) for Latin America market, even when my
application form had state clearly that I want to get transferred into their
smallest market, Singapore, operating simultaneously the full scope of
accounting ranging from Accounts Payables (AP), Accounting to Report (ATR) and
Accounts Receivable (AR). She declined my request, and I in returned rejected
her offer too. There is no way on earth I would do AP alone - Oh well, perhaps another interview. In the meantime, I work as a waiter in a
cafe. Peter took a part-time job too after school. He works as a mechanic in a
workshop a couples of block from our apartment. We don't make much income, but
we still have roofs on top of our heads. For that, I am grateful. I normally work until 10pm, then continue
to write until 12pm before heading to bed. Our one- bedroom apartment now is
much smaller than before, but we still have all that we need in one place.
There's a washing machine, refrigerator, water heater and room heater provided
by the landlord. We're more than happy to rent here. Peter sleeps in the living room while I sleep
in a bedroom smaller than the store room in my café. I'm glad I made the decision to take Peter
to live with me. He looked so bright and more focus on his study. Perhaps now
he understands the value of passion and good education, seeing me going through
difficult phase now. I promise myself to work harder so Peter can have a
brighter future. As of my writing progress, I'm working on a
novel about a war general during the Roman era and how fate brings him from
being a noble into a slave within a fortnight. The Romans lost the war, and he
is left stranded in a foreign land away from home. To make matters complicated
his head is wanted by the Persian army, but a Nigerian slave boy saves him from
death by the command of a mystery man. I put a lot of research in this book and
stayed up late to write - Hopefully one day I can finish this book and reap the
benefits of my hard work. No, I shall not die yet. I shall live long
enough to see the fruits of my labor.
Chapter 9: Chances to meet your love
life partner. 14th
February 2015. 8:00
am Little
flower's Cafe It's Sunday morning and the café that I
work at gets busy as people come down for breakfast. It's not even 9 o'clock
yet but the café is already crowded �"
customers who enter had no option but to leave as all the seats are
taken. Soon the café becomes loud with the sounds of people chattering and
laughing. I began delivering all sorts of coffee and
tea to customers. Among them, there were two blonde boys, ages 5 and 7, running
around, giggling with joy. They speak in a foreign language, something that
sounds like Swedish to me. The sweet, contagious sounds of children laughing
with chuckle in their voice is like a beautiful melody to my ears. The mother of those children shouts
something in her native tongue, probably asking her children to sit down for
breakfast. They gave weird faces to their mother and continued to run around. I
chuckled when I saw their faces; it was just too darned cute. "Here is your coffee, sir." I
passed a hot coffee to a middle-aged man, sitting alone at the corner beside
the glass window. He nodded in reply, saying thank you then
continue back to reading the newspaper. Beside his table, there are two passionate
lovers sitting who are rather immersed in their own world. The guy whispered
something to his lover's ear and she blushed. He smirked, then took up her hand
only to kiss at what I reckoned was a
beautiful engagement ring. She gave a peck on his cheek and smiled. How lovely is that. The greatest joy in
life is to find someone special to share with you the meaning of life. Love
alone is what makes sufferings endurable in this world. I hope one day to have found my own version
of true love too. Chapter 10. The power to make the right
ending. 8th
June 2016 9:30
pm On the
rooftop with Peter Things are getting a lot better lately. I
have entered the workforce again starting last month. Thankfully the new
company that I am in agreed to transferred me into their Accounting to Report
(OTR) team. The wages are much higher than previously offered and what's more,
they are using SAP rather than CODA, the system that I used in my previous
company. SAP really makes my life better. The month-end closing process are
much smoother - It's been a while since I stayed back late night during month-end
closing. I have enrolled in writing class on
weekends, and keep working on my novel. As for Peter, I was proud that he
scores in his last semester exams �"
apparently working as a part-time mechanic sparks his interest in the
automotive field. I'm glad that he found his passion early in life. I've heard from Uncle Ben that Dad was
diagnosed with prostate cancer level 4. Doctor said that years of heavy smoking
combined with his drinking behavior linked to the aggressive cancer. Me and
Peter was shocked to hear that. Nonetheless, none of us are ready to meet him.
There is too much at stake. Our mental health, emotional state and not to
mention the future that we are building can crumbled within seconds if we
aren't careful with his tricks. We aren't ready to forgive him and put
everything in the past. For now, life continues as usual. Peter was adamant not to meet him. Said
that he deserves to rot in hell, for everything that he did to us. I'm more
worried about Mum, a kind woman who unfortunately married a narcissistic man.
She depends too much on dad - her lives practically revolves around him. If dad
dies, I wondered can she start a new life without him? Our broken home, though we hate it so much,
has brought us into this world. While we do not understand yet the wisdom
behind this, I feel strongly there are certain matters that need to be
straightened out between us before our sick father leaves this world. May God grant me and Peter the strength
to face our father before it's too late. Amen I've lived long enough to know that even
the darkest moment shall pass. Life is like a game �" the rules had been laid
out clearly by the game Creator. The movement of sun, and the changes of
seasons await no man - time moves whether we are ready or not. We are all,
willingly or unwillingly, participants in this game of life. One of the characters of being a believer
is that we are grateful for all the kindness that is bestowed to us, and we
bear with patience for any great calamities that befall on us. Suicide isn't an
option to the believers; God hated it so much so that He forbid paradise for
those who choose to kill themselves. "And do not kill yourselves, surely God is most
Merciful to you" -Surah
An Nisa, The Holy Quran (4:29) Oh Allah, by the light of your face which has filled the pillar of
your throne; Oh Allah, The one who responds to the one who needs Him; Save me from the demon in me. Oh the ones who saves, save me.
Nope, I shall not die yet. I won't die
until the tree beneath God's heavenly throne has shed a leaf bearing my name. I
would continue to fight and live well until the angel of death himself comes to
greet me, for which I would welcomed him with a smile, knowing that I had lived
a long and good life.
© 2017 Zahida |
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