Where does the Loyalty truly Lie

Once upon a time there was a little girl who was carefree and wild

Alwasy happy and having fun. Not rain nor wind or storm could keep her down. Infact she loved the rain what others saw as a scary she saw excitement

She made a few good friends along the winding road

a shy young girl with pretty brown hair.

Not yet had she emerged from her shell

As time grew on the lttle girl and her friend became inseperable and always were together

Playing pretend games and they were never once bored, with their big imaginations that they let run.

then the little girls became middle schoolers and still they were really oh so close

But then the girl and her friend were beginning to seperate. The brown haired girl became "too busy" for her friend and went on with her life maybe talking a few times or passing each other in the hall.

So the girl decided to make some new friends.

 At first it seemed hard but being such a social butterfly it became eaiser

The girl befriend a boy who made her laugh and they would talk for hours and hours on end

Eventually the brown haired girl and the other girl became best friends once again and the gril thought why dont we become a trio so they did the three kids became the best of firends as they went on to high school

Then things were good they would always hang out always go everywhere together and knew each other like the back of their hand

After a while thigs became weord

The brown hairded girl and the boy became especially close and became a couple. The girl didnt like that at all not that she was jelous it was just too weird. Just being around the two made her sick.

So she kept her distance. The boy was sad because his best friend was getting hurt.

So he broke up with the girl so he wouldnt have to choose b/w his best friend and girlfriend

At first it was very akward but eventually the three finally becaame best buds once again, everything was good anf right.

Then the two went behind the girls back and dated again. at first the girl was so very mad and couldnt stand the thought. she eventually accepted the fact that they were dating  she was glad to see them happy . Then  things got worse. The brown haired girl and boy got really busy. They had school stuff and other things to do and didnt talk to her very much. The girls got into so many arguments. The boy and girl got into some nasty fights. That had never happened before. I can't really be losing my 2 best friends...can i? she thought The brown haired girl eventually stopped talking to her. The boy and girl would talk less and less. Never really hung out that much.Things never got better b/w the three of them. The girls arnt friends at all. The girl misses her friends so much. She is glad to see them happy but its a horrible feeling to lose the people you called family. She still sees them. She watches from a distance. She still has the hope that one day they'll come back. That everything will be happy again. She  Was betrayed, hurt, and left behind, but to this day she stills stays loyal to her once beloved brother and sister..she can't let go...

Reviews

[Livana Lowell]

Dear HighSchoolAdventurer,

You should revise this sentence, " Not rain nor wind or storm could keep her down. In fact she loved the rain what others saw as a scary she saw excitement." Change the word "nor" to "or" otherwise it is a double negative. Also, it's awkward. Try to lengthen it out like what did she like about the rain? Did she like the falling water? The lightening? The sound of thunder? Other people find the thunder and lightening scary. Perhaps the girl likes the clapping thunder and zipping lightening. That would make more sense than people seeing the rain as a scary.

Here, "She made a few good friends along the winding road
a shy young girl with pretty brown hair.
Not yet had she emerged from her shell" It would do well to not seperate these lines unless you mean to add emphasis on the characteristics of this new friend. Perhaps it would be better to say she made "a" good friend rather than a few good ones.

Remove the comma between "bored" and "with"

Here, you only need one, "then the little girls became middle schoolers and still they were really oh so close." Either remove really or oh so close.

This is a run on sentence, "Then things were good they would always hang out always go everywhere together and knew each other like the back of their hand," and this is a run on sentence as well, "The girl didnt like that at all not that she was jelous it was just too weird," and this one too, "she eventually accepted the fact that they were dating she was glad to see them happy ."

Starting from this sentence, "The girls arnt friends at all," the tenses changed. Instead of words using "ed" you now switched to present tense words.

I think it would do better to give the characters symbolic names or just name them a or b or c. I know you probably wanted to be conspicuous, but the pronouns get confusing after awhile.

Scan through here and check your spelling and punctuation. Some things were misspelled like "gril," and "jelous," and "akward," and "anf"

Spell out your numbers.

Now, enough of the technical stuff. The idea of it is sad. I can't really relate to it because I have never experienced this kind of thing. I definitely like the last line, the use of depressing diction calling them brother and sister. The very last line where it says, "she can't let go," made me feel for the girl, or well, you.

Thanks for sharing.

Sincerely Livana Lowell (LL)

God bless

[Michael of Gilead]

Teen drama, though it seems you've learned to rise above finally, which is a good thing to learn to do...
Spelling and grammar needs work

[Team_Jaward_Gale]

aaaaw nice love it

[Vertigoingnowhere]

if you guys havent realized that little girl is me

[_]

oooh! betrayal stabbed her hard *cringes* if it were me and my bffl we would have left that boy me and her are like bacon and eggs :P *tummy growls* that sounds good right now •_• great story :)

[Hachamecha]

Wow. sad life. But it's a good story :)

[Shy Girl]

Sad but often happens. Dating best friends, in my opinion, is a VERY bad idea. When you break up, you not only loose your boy/girl friend but your best friend too. Things are never the same between those two again. No matter what anybody thinks...you have kissed, you have snuggled, you know what the others arms feel like in a hug that isn't friendship type. You never look at them the same or see them as anyone but the one that broke your heart. And then to be the friend that they leave behind...catch up to again...and leave behind..I'm sorry you had to go through that heartbreak. But you are a true frien to be loyal and never give up on your friends...even hurt you still want to keep them in your life. Wonderful story :)

[paradise]

its an extremly sad story i know how it feels to be in the middle but sometimes its better to live and let go it sure helps. Greay write you did a pretty good job

[Summer'sBreeze]

it's a very cute/sad story and i enjoyed it
but there was a few grammer mistakes that a good read over would fix