Shiver

With this winter chill moving in,

Causing these goose bumps upon my skin,

The world swallows me up, turning me into stone.

I close my eyes, and enter the arctic zone

I inhale the fire, and exhale the pain.

Removing my troubles, keeping me sane.

 

I’m leaving now darling, I’m taking the train.

Take my hand, and off we’ll go

To a place that’s strange, where we’re unknown

The sky is gray and the air is cold

Its out there waiting for us, our city of gold

 

Your eyes light the way, in a world of black

Your voice stains my ears, like the sun on my back

Your pulse is like a metronome, beating in my brain.

Im still breathing, pumping blood in my veins.

Keep me in your mind, don’t let me forget,

That living is living, no time for regret.

Reviews

[Radad Ibn Nasir]

What an amazing tone, I feel like you could make this go on forever, there so much life to this i imagined a single drum being beat to the rythmn of life, both subtly pent up, and the part that needs curbbed once in a while..the balance is there. nice write!

[tk]

Very melancholy with a flicker of hope in the end. One can really feel the emotions- pain, sorrow, desire and optimism.
"Keep me in your mind, don’t let me forget,
That living is living, no time for regret."
The last two lines are very compelling. A satisfying read. Keep it up! :)

[Sami Khalil]

Well worded. Nicely done...:)..................

[Robbie~xoxo~]

I loved the last two lines.... a lovely ending!

Nicely done, Girlie!~xoxo~:)

[parkerjeslick]

Great work! The ending line is perfect!!!

[R J Askew]

Like the positive tone you sign off with. It's just the right way to be.

[Poetic Beauty]

Insight to someone who is in a situation where they feel stuck. They feel trapped in their own life. Great job at conveying this idea.

[Kianna]

Dear HighSchoolAdventurer,

Hello, how are you doing today? I thought I might check my newsfeed today and read some interesting pieces. The title Shiver seemed to stand out with its dazzling simplicity. So, I thought I might take a look. I have to say I really enjoyed reading this. Although, I must agree with Carl Drake Barnard that the line, "I inhale the fire, and exhale the pain," was out of place. There was no set up for it.

Besides that, I really do love the langauge here. It sounds so romantic, cold with fright, but warm with possibility. I could feel the tone and the mood. It's almost like a story compacted into a nice sized poem. My faovrite lines would have to be all of the third stanza. It just flowed so nicely. I just had to put it in my library.

I say well done.

Sincerely JazzSoulKeke,

God bless

[Carl Drake Barnard]

nice work with the rhyming!! good poem and love your word usage :) Hmm I inhaled the fire- do you smoke lol,it doesn't fit for me must be missing something Haha hmm all and all inspiring write,I felt this good work!!

[Vertigoingnowhere]

Yes I do haha occasionally

[Carl Drake Barnard]

Hehe occasional smoker :)

[Vertigoingnowhere]

Lol I don't smoke tobacco.

[Carl Drake Barnard]

hubbly? Weed? Lol

[Coyote Poetry]

The description create a sad place and situation.
"Keep me in your mind, don’t let me forget,
That living is living, no time for regret."
Thank you for sharing the excellent poetry.
Coyote