Off-Limits

a short poem

 

Off-limits

Out to shore

The man I loved is there no more

 

A little less

Just take it all

my broken heart tossed like a doll

 

I can’t breathe
I’m slowly dying
Out of will, I quit trying

 

A lost love

A found desire

It’s nothing you think I can’t acquire 

Author's Note

any thoughts?

Reviews

[anneliese]

i like it. i think it flows well and gets your point across. good job!

[Creepy Swine Guy]

Well, first of all, to be perfectly clear right up front, I am no expert. I don't think I ever even got an "A" in English. What you will read is nothing more than the opinion of some old guy. So take my suggestions for what they are ... just suggestions.

The first three stanzas offer a clear and poignant picture of someone who is longing for a faraway love. The last line of stanza three seems a tad short. It feels like it's missing a beat as compared to the first two stanzas. What if that stanza read like this ...

I can't breathe
I'm slowly dying
Out of will, I just quit trying

I added the word "just" in my suggestion to add that beat that I perceived to be missing. I also think that the poem might have been perfectly complete after three stanzas. There you go, that's what the old guy thinks. I like the poem very much but those are the tweaks that I offer as suggestions.