The Suicide

contemplating the look of death

The blood trickles down the finger

 

- drip drop drip -

 

The life ebbing away from the soul

 

- drop drip drop -

 

Slowly the pool on the floor grows

 

- splish splash splish -

 

A sea of life bringing only death

 

- splash splish splash -

 

The heart grows ever fainter still

 

- thump tha thump -

 

Silence is heard all around

 

-                       -

Reviews

[Ashlee]

I really thought that your character was sad and tormented.
I enjoyed this poem and would love to read more of your work.
I thought that your blank line was well orchastrated.

[John Sanders]

Oh, great, another whiny teenager writing about suicide�how original�

NEXT!

[Treble]

Um, excuse me? Suicide is a prominent issue, and you have no right to minimize it!

[LC Coyle]

I like the blank line, it says so much with so little. Your onomonopeia, or however it's spelled, lent it a depth and weight befitting the tone and circumstance. I enjoyed the spacing, too.

[Lee Rupprecht]

Finely written. The blank line at the end is fine. It paints an image of the end well. Great Job.

[Jillian Alexis]

This is so sad, yet so real. There are teenagers, who have the rest of their lives to live, committing Suicide. You penned this dark subject beautifully. I think you should leave the line at the end blank. Great job...Hugz...Jillian

[Tai Chi Italy]

Thoughts of suicide are a prevalent pre-occuption with a great deal of people SH! To express them in poetry is a good thing....it helps to lift them from your mind, but suicide is a cowardly way out imo. You have no idea of the lives that are destroyed when someone close to us bows out this way. Think of their pain, it is indescribably terrible and no one deserves to go through it and yet so many do. Don't let your loved ones be amongst them, I suffer from depression sometimes as we all do and especially us artistic types, but I would never hurt the people I love by ever signing out early. It is not our place to choose when we go either imo, we all have our own thoughts on the subject, and these are mine.

A good thought provoking read, I liked the splish splosh splash and drip dripping lines, they slowed the poem down to add to the drama of the death. Take care, I hope the writing of this poem helped you. Tai

[Vellicc Amaranth]

Hmm, this is an intriguing poem. At first I wasn't prone to liking it but it kindof grew on me as I continued reading it. Short and to the point, which I like; it also conveyed a nice mental image of the scene. And yes, I think the blank line does in deed work.

[...no one...]

The subject itself is trite, but you've breathed a new life into it with the experimental sounds.
A few things, if you don't mind :)...

The blood trickles down the finger
Perhaps cut the initial "the" to be just "Blood trickles..." Makes the line move smoother sonically

- drip drop drip -

The life ebbing away from the soul
Soul is a very abstract word, especially when trying a different approach to an often cliche subject such as suicide Perhaps "body" would work better. Try to stay away from abstracts as they can be very detrimental to a short piece.

- drop drip drop -


Slowly the pool on the floor grows

- splish splash splish - Any other sound choice? This reminds me of "Splish Splash I Was Taken a Bath" which makes me happy, and this is a deppressing piece.

A sea of life bringing only death
Make this line into a metaphor, this would be the perfect time to throw one in. "...like a sea of life..."

- splash splish splash -


The heart grows ever fainter still
Either drop "ever" or "still" (I would opt for ever, it will bring the poem back to the sonics I mentions before.

- thump tha thump -

Silence is heard all around

Good closing. Leave it like that. The blank line is not needed. I think with a few very minor changes (also, try to take out the extra line breaks, if you want more emphasis) these piece will have great results.
All the Best!