A student’s attachment.

Today is like any other day.
Wake up late to my father screaming at me to get up.
Go to school and suffer through the first hour of Physics.
Break time is spent with my favourite teacher.
Lunch is the same.
Go home, and spend all evening in my room, scrolling on social media.

I don’t need friends. I like being alone. I prefer my own company to anyone else’s. But it does hurt to see photos of others hanging out in groups of twenty or more.
It does hurt to see the other kids at school laughing with their friends, while I’m spending my breaks in a teacher’s classroom.

I watched a film the other day, and it hurt how much the main character reminded me of myself. Edge of seventeen, it was called. The girl, Nadine, spent her time with her teacher. I hate the longing feeling it gave me when she was at her teachers house.

People often confuse attachments with crushes. I do not wish to date my teacher, I don’t like her in that way at all. I just wish for her attention on me constantly. I long for that constant reassurance.

Sure, I have friends. But we have drifted more and more, as I switch out my time with them to be with my favourite teacher. It hurts to see them with other people. It hurts when they don’t ask to hang out at breaks anymore, because they already know I have plans.

I don’t even know where this came from, but it has always been this way. As a child I would hug my teachers and talk to them constantly, and as I grew older it turned into hanging out in their classroom and imagining them as my mother.

I have great parents, and I love them so much. But that doesn’t stop my longing to be taken in by my favourite teacher. I feel guilty for the scenarios I create in my head, where I am living a different life, as the daughter of my teacher.

The attachment isn’t just for my teachers. I find myself getting attached to celebrities, even fictional characters. It pains me to feel this attachment. It isn’t a choice I have made, nor one I would make.

And so I will spend my life, wishing to be different as I spend my days not changing anything to make a difference, and I repeat the same cycle for all years to come.