Forgive me

«We are victims of our own minds»

«Mother, father, what will I do when you’ll be gone ?» she wondered  while  staring blankly into space with tears streaming down her pale cheeks, her  pain was so vivid you could see it in her eyes, you could sense it in her breath.  She found happiness in isolation, because whenever she was around them, her welfare would turn into grief, sorrow and distress. Her twin sisters were so cruel, mean and heartless… They broke her into dispersed pieces, pieces she never could assemble. All she ever wished for was to know the true meaning of sisterhood, to feel secure in their presence, to be loved and appreciated by them, but I guess that was too much to ask for. Instead, they treated her so badly and so unfairly; they insulted her, they beat her, they laughed at her, they judged her.  The only thing they shared was their blood. No one can bear such treatment, she did, but unfortunately, that did not last for too long.  At first she was weak, helpless, and incapable of defending herself, and then she couldn’t take it anymore, she knew that she can never heal their heart from that dark maliciousness and spitefulness it carried. So she eventually stood up for herself. Things got worse. They somewhat turned her into a beast, an unstoppable beast. Their parents were unable to do anything, their hands were tied, it has gone too far, it was too late, nothing could be fixed. The walls were tired of hearing her loud screams, her soul became dark and empty, an emptiness that can never be fulfilled. Her heart was too wounded; it left deep hidden scars that can never be cured. Her parents were keeping her standing; keeping her strong, but who’s going to be there for her when death will do them part. “ Life is not fair, death is not fair, without them I am on my own they’re all I have,  I can’t live to see them leave, but what if I leave ? “ she said with a tone full of soreness.  Dark thoughts were invading the corners of her mind, leading her to a very dreadful place.  “I can’t continue on living like this, I might as well save myself from this misery, and save them from me, I am just a burden to everyone, I’m sure this is the right thing to do. ” And just like that, she took the knife from the kitchen drawers without hesitation, and she stabbed herself right in the heart where it all started, she didn’t even flinch.  She gazed at the large ceiling, a tear poured down her face for the last time, and while taking her last breath she struggled to say her last words “ Ple.. ase.. fo..rr ..rgive me “.

Author's Note

I wrote this in a short period of time so there might be some mistakes, reviews and advices much appreciated.

Reviews

[Marcel Grant]

I think the script itself is a good one. The idea behind it, given the girl's history, makes sense and the imagery was descriptive which you definitely do a good job with! For that, total props. =D

BUT, I'm looking at the tags on the right here, and it says you want a "review" and "advice". So I'm gonna give it to you. While I really liked the choice of words and the darker story, sometimes its better to "show" instead of "tell".

Not that I want really descriptive and graphic images of people beating up the child, (cause sometimes people go overboard with that and it feels hollow) but just small "hints" of what's going on, to make the reader put the pieces together himself.

"All she ever wished for was to know the true meaning of sisterhood, to feel secure in their presence, to be loved and appreciated by them, but I guess that was too much to ask for. Instead, they treated her so badly and so unfairly; they insulted her, they beat her, they laughed at her, they judged her."

All of this sounds like poetry, and that's really good. Seriously. But if it's a story, then I want to see her glance into her sister's bedroom and try to talk with them, then only to have them shut her out. I want to know why she wants to feel so secure with them, if they've only treated her badly?

Just little things like that, you know? How come the parent's hands were tied? What did they try to tell her, and why wasn't that enough?

Again it's not that the idea was bad, or that the emotions of the girl weren't real or sincere. But try showing what she was going through, instead of just printing it up.

Anyway, nice job on the writing and idea, and as ALWAYS I look forward to your next work. Hopefully I was helpful! :B

[Hiba b.]

First of all, thank you for your review it was really helpful indeed! I will try to be more detailed, as I said I wrote the story in a short amound of time, so it is incomplete. As for the graphic images, that idea crossed my mind and I went to look for pictures that reflect the struggle and strife between her and her sisters, but the pictures weren't good enough and they didn't do the story justice so I prefered to let the readers imagination fill in the rest.

[Marcel Grant]

Oh no I meant images as in just writing it lol. I thought the hanging picture up at the top was fine for the story! And no prob.

[Hiba b.]

hahahah sorry my bad ^^

[M P Ramesh]

hiba,
loneliness and grief can generate pathos among the readers
But it is challenging for the writer to keep the subject and diction moving
especially in fiction
you could touch the sensitive pulse often
where fiction and poetry mate

carry on....
M P Ramesh

[C. Lee Battaglia]

Wow!
Very well written and it touched me,
Can I just say though, you have potential!
My favorite part was, "Things got worse. They somewhat turned her into a beast, an unstoppable beast. Their parents were unable to do anything, their hands were tied, it has gone too far, it was too late, nothing could be fixed."
Sometimes we think that we are to far off to be fixed...
Please continue to write and read!
Can you by chance look at my story The Blonde Girl, It would really mean a lot to me.
Your new fan,

C. Lee Battaglia

[Sebastian Falzarano]

Amazing and heartfelt. It really caught my attention and brought sadness and despair. Keep it up!

[Coyote Poetry]

A sad and powerful story.
"Dark thoughts were invading the corners of her mind, leading her to a very dreadful place. "
Hard to escape the dark places. Thank you for sharing the excellent story.
Coyote

[emmajoy]

This is such a powerful post, full of desperate emotions, full of incessant thoughts and fears start to tragic finish. I don't think English is your first language and because of that, the way in which you've phrased and punctuated serves highlight the erratic, muddled, lurid feelings the woman is struggling with.

In taking your story as it is on the 'page', i'm not going to analyse the where or what is.. What matters to me is the strength of your portraying such a crazed situation and the final deed.

[Sami Khalil]

Wow. This was sad and intense. I hate that it ended that way. I hope she could have rescued her self from this environment and finding help somewhere if any. Excellent, ma'm...:)..........

[3as]

Personally Loved the work...

[Hiba b.]

Thank you!

[Sydney]

The story line has good grounds. I noticed a few run on sentences. Pretty good all around, very sad and dark, I hope this is just a story and doesn't have any reality behind it. Keep it up!

[Hiba b.]

After reading your review I reread the story and you are absoluetly right! I found some run on sentences like this one "without them I am on my own they’re all I have" I wrote this story in a short amount of time so it was pretty rushed, I will correct my mistakes. And to be honest, it somewhat has some reality behind it, but don't worry it's not that serious! Thank you for your review

[Sydney]

I'm glad I could help! Keep it up and stay strong