Gee, Them Canadians

I can't say much that I know Canada's heart,

So how should I begin, how should I start.

I know exactly three, and how weird that they can be,

My math teacher, my friend, and some weird guy I sometimes see.

Let's start with the crazy old lady, who could be considered smart,

But her actions and her sayings classify her as an old fart.

You could say she lets us cuss in her class,

And the detested English teacher ironically finds her crass.

She's shorter than me, who's five foot three

But makes the whole class laugh, as funny as can be.

As everyone's best friend, she insults all without care,

"You'd think that my class was a mental retard fair."

When a random guy appears in the back of the room,

"I guess he's always been there?", so she assumes.

As sharp-tongued, witty, and obscene that she is

(making subtle crude remarks on the subject of a quiz),

Anyone could find her warm room in the cold mornings,

So long as they bring her coffee as a peace offering!

My friend, stick thin, and as tall as a tree

Is my partner in crime in discussing with me

The secrets and techniques of - how should I say it?

All the pervy things one could think of, just say it!

Cutting her hair, donating to "Locks of Love",

Then I'm in front of a car, as she gives me a shove.

Announcing her judo championship at seven,

She punches me hard enough to send me to heaven.

And as if this Canadian achievement wasn't enough,

Her talks of gynecologists makes her company tough!

Swimming and diving and popping an eye,

The speedos in guys waterpolo is what makes her cry.

From the moment I met her, in beginning fifth grade,

I knew she was special, if any understatement was made!

Now the last one, the guy, how should I begin,

He's a queer one, I think, I don't really know him

If a liar there ever was without cracking a smile,

If making you lose your dignity, that's his style!

He once told me what I should've called out as a lie,

"I have two chickens, an eel, and a shark that can fly;

In Canada we piss on our igloos (obviously, that we live in)

To dye them yellow, and we don't have toilets instead to go in!"

So I suppose I'm an idiot to see this as the truth,

Like when my girl friend said, just as smooth, 

"In Canada, on our ice-covered lakes, we piss

To melt into steam a hole so we can fish!"

And like the gullible dork that I am,

I replied, to her joy, "I can see that, yes I can!"

So Canadians in general, to me, are mad

Completely, and utterly, crazy, SO SAD!

Liars and punchers and insulting with style,

They'll strip you of your dignity, just give them a while,

To tell you a fib with a completely straight face

Then crack up as you wallow in your disgrace.

This is how I see those Christ forsaken hooligans,

All I can say is, "Gee, them Canadians!"

Reviews

[Rose Diamond]

If I can say anything, it's that this poem is quite original! I've honestly never seen anything like this! :P

Overall it was a pretty good poem. It told an.... interesting story, the flow was mostly ongoing, and there's plenty of humor in there. The only thing I can warn you about is that some of your word choice can be considered offensive, for example, "queer". Some people may not take to it too kindly, so just be aware when using words like that.