Snow

I had just met you

The steam of our breaths

Still chased one another in

The hush snowfall.

Dreams of pines so vast

Their roots entwined in the earth and

Their branches holding each other up.

We would see them some day;

We would be them some day.

You cut your bangs too short

And wouldn’t let me see them

But I thought you

An angel still.

We wouldn’t kiss, but you would

Teach me how to lust so,

And I lost years in this timeless snow.

 

And now I gravely wonder as I slip

Down this downward spiral

Will I find you again

The real you

The icy gaze and the

Thawing smile

Will I whisper that curse again

The hopeful I love you

Will I find my way

Through untainted snow

To a bliss

Of not knowing

No, not remembering

        What I lost

        When the snow was gone?

Author's Note

Any suggestions for improvement?

Reviews

[Moonie]

It is surely an enchanting read, though I have a few suggestions.
#1in the 4th line, try "in the hush of snowfall" or "in the hushed snowfall"
#2in the second line, the tense feels off, try " their branches held each other up"
#3in the second last line of the 1st stanza, cut the "so", since you ve already used "and" or if you want to keep the "so"try--
We wouldn’t kiss, but you would
Teach me how to lust so,
I would lose years in this timeless snow."
#4 in the fifth line of the 2nd stanza, try " with your icy gaze"
#5add more commas at the end of the line breaks. It helps to shorten the pause.
However, in the end, it is your poem, and the decisions are all up to you.:))

"

[bookworm]

Astoundingly beautiful. Except the part about the bangs. Short bangs are trendy..

[Moriarty]

I like the piece a lot...love the second stanza...beautifully penned...as it read its remarable..can't think of any change that you could make without taking away from it some of its beauty...the whole piece has this etheral quality to it....rather spellbinding...

[Kayla Etreni]

no sugestions really, it flows realy nicely, i like it :)

[Robbie~xoxo~]

Beautiful... This is truly beautiful Hunter! I feel the sensitive side of your writing and it is very charming. Please continue this lovely style of yours. :)

[HChase]

I dig it, it flows really nicely and really evokes the emotions. Nice one

[Blue Ivory]

It's nice. I like it. Really sweet. But there's nothing that makes you addicted to it. Nothing that gives me chills you know? Not that my work is any better though.

[Lily Mae]

This is perfect.. love and the elements.. =nothing better..x
The last stanza is very emotionally packed.. I love the way you used "when the snow was gone"...to impact the loss...

[Harmonica winds]

I like it the way it is, this is wonderful. Really enjoyed the write

[Arielle Ann]

aw w this is marvelous...seemed like a song to me :)