What keeps you up tonight?

It’s almost 3 in the morning and I’ve just finished reading a novel, a romantic novel to be exact. Funny, because this is the time wherein all of the feelings and thoughts you suppressed will come back to haunt you. It is those moments you will sit in the corner and you will burst into tears because nobody really knows how unhappy you are.  Life is so unfair. That’s the first thing that came into my mind. The books I’ve read, they all end up with a happy ever after but in real life, there’s no happy ever after. Not all the stories will lead to happiness. It’s crazy because we already know this fact and yet when we read a book or have watched a movie, we will go back to being the old hopeless romantics we are. We will feed ourselves with the stories that will serve as our ideals. We are too fed up by these which led to heartaches and disappointments once our partners cannot meet those standards. And I know how it exactly feels. I like to base my relationships by what I should think it is and not on how it should really be and I will end up getting hurt because I was expecting different things. What keeps you up at 3 in the morning? I asked myself the same question. What keeps me up tonight? Maybe it’s that small voice inside my head which keeps on asking me why I am still staying with him or maybe it’s the hundred thoughts running in full speed in my head that won’t slow down. I still have these unanswered questions in my head that I guess will never be answered… Why did he choose to cheat on me? Why does the pain won’t go away? Why did he do that? Why can’t I forgive him? I have been asking myself these things a thousand times already. It’s been 6 months but the pain is still the same. It didn’t lessen. I decided to write again after a very long time because I need something to vent out all my feelings; the pain, the anger, the hatred, the betrayal. As I am writing this down, I can’t help but reminisce all of the good times. Who would expect he is capable of doing this? Not me. Not I because he was close to perfect. He is everything I want and everything I already have but there is no real life prince charming and he is not perfect either. He will hurt you, he will break your heart in two but you would still want him and love him and adore him with everything you have. You are already broken but you will fix yourself up to the moment you already scarred your fingers just for him to see how much you love him. He is that guy who showered you down with roses but he never ask for your favorite flower and so all you can do is to accept it because you love him. You would compromise halfway even if he won’t.  He would then start asking me questions like “Why can’t you trust me?”And I would chose to simply keep quiet. Why? Because I know he has lied to me a thousand of times already. I know when he goes out sometimes even if he never told me about it. Yes, I know a lot of things he thought I didn't. I know that when I made him chose that day, even though he told me it was me, his eyes were betraying him. . Little did he know that my heart was breaking into pieces? I wanted so badly to trust him, to give him a chance to prove himself to me. But how am I supposed to do it? When even in little things he can't even be honest with me?

 

When I asked him if he ever tried lying to me, it's funny because he always said "No". When in fact, I know he does, he did. Was it really that hard to be honest with me? Everything is like giving him the moon, the sun, the stars and all he ever wanted was space. The worst thing of all is that 5 days before he was telling me how much he loves me and how much he would try to understand me, how problems can't break us because we are strong and no temptation can come in between because I'm the only girl he sees. 5 days after, he's already cheating. It's scary how people change their minds so quickly, you'll give them your whole world then they'll just break it in a few seconds.

 

It’s almost 4 but I am still asking myself the same question…what keeps me up tonight?

 

 

Author's Note

I have to apologize in advance for any grammatical errors you'll encounter. Your feedback will be very well appreciated. thank you!