C.R.

A large part of a difficult past.

I blamed myself for your flaws. I attempted to file your edges. The first time you raised your voice at me, it was because I earned that. I let those things go, because I knew how to get under your skin. I dismissed the holes in the wall, the smashing of my items, the broken anatomy. I honestly believed that I was isolating myself.  I would have never blamed these things on you.  You knew that. You were my hero when we met. I had never been the first option for someone and I craved being wanted. My disorders could never be easy for another person to handle. So if you want me to give myself to you, I will. My crippling depression was a huge burden on you, so if my body wasn’t enough, you can have hers too. If this hurts me I either move past it or leave you behind. We both know I could never do that. I began to know all to well. I will always thank you for the confidence you accidently gave me. Without you, I would have never realized my own strength. My unclothed body lay next to yours. The skin from your stomach touched mine and brought me to immediate repulsion. It was cold and full of distain in your bed. Every part of me felt unwelcome in your life. I would run and hide. In an alley, in a bathroom, in the woods. You always found me. Veins throbbing and voice hoarse. I let the blade lull me to sleep. You didn’t seem to mind it. I could smell the alcohol on your breath as you ripped into me. I closed my eyes and imagined myself on a balcony, surrounded by the most beautiful sunset. I stifled my tears and gave up on telling you “no”. I watched you sleep night after night. My mind raced with thoughts that were immediately shut down by your presence. I was too young to understand that  the right person should never leave you drained. Relationships are work but they should not slowly kill what little you have left. There will always be a large part of me that fears you. As I grow older there is an even larger part now that pities you. You will stay a monster in my eyes. However, if it wasn’t for you, I would have never been brought to my lowest. I crawled up from a place I never thought I could escape. I will never let another soul touch me, hurt me or scare me ever again. You will wake up in the morning and run to your reflection. You will wipe the tears from your atrocious face and see the same monster I have been seeing for years. I hope you claw at it, wanting it to stop. Screaming for it to let you go. I hope it robs you of anything you had left in your small , pathetic world. And when that mirror shatters and you are faced with a choice, I hope I am the first thing to parade into your hateful f*****g head.