walls and bricks and everything in between.

Because she can't ever know. It'll break her the way it breaks me. I love her more then I can admit. I can't be like the one person she raised me not to be.

Everyone's changing and shedding skin
We're finding new shells to live in
And though I'm holding onto old habits,
and it's breaking down my walls
and I'm slowly becoming more and more vulnerable,
I can't tell anyone.

I don't want to see her face,
because all the lies from the past year will become apparent.
I'll become the family issue,
you know, that one that turned out wrong.
And when she looks at me all she'll see
is the one person she didn't want me to be.

And though we haven't spoken in years
I'm more like that person in so many ways.
And the stories I hear are like a crystal ball that holds my future.

I lie through my teeth and I get what I want.
She doesn't see through my games.
She doesn't see through my bricks.
The ones I keep putting higher and higher up.
But when the lights go out, they all fall down.
Morning sun begins to build them but I cower
because I know they'll crack in only a few hours.

Love couldn't save a piece like me
though it's all I need.
It's just like I'm stuck in the ways of this world,
this world I promised I would never be.
I've become the scum that mothers tell their daughters not to be.

I'm ashamed, but I hold to my secrets with pride.
Because they're all mine.
And I know once they all come out I'll be alone
but for now I stand tall because it's all I have
and it's who I am
and it's probably who I'll be forever.

She'll turn her back on the door that I slammed moment before
and that oh so familiar 'everything's fine' grin will take place
and it'll stay.
And the phone calls will become shorter and then none at all.
They'll all grow up.
I'll never know.
I wish they didn't have to learn from me.

The smile she wears now breaks me into a million pieces.
It glows with pride.
He doesn't know.
He can't ever know.
Because I love him so much.
He's my strong tower.
He's the one I look up to.

And once it's all gone, I'll be left with my bag of secrets.
I won't be so cocky then.

Author's Note

This is just a rough draft. It's not really a poem. It started as one and I just kind of melted into it. The grammar is awful. It's about secrets.