What Keeps Me Up (Unfinished)

A Story by Britt Jay

Nights of insomnia.

I woke up in a frenzy to put this story on paper. A Long sleepless night of thinking about a past relationship and trying to figure out if it is just karma that keeps me from a stable relationship. It is this has driven me to document this short period of my life.

It was the first day of high school. Alone at lunch, a group of boys sat down at the table where I was located. I awkwardly fidgeted with my fingers and tried not to make eye contact with anyone. It was then where a boy who eventually became my friend invited me to sit next to him and his group. That was the moment where I saw him. Everyone, everything, disappeared in plain sight. In that second my eyes were set on an extraordinary person who I would eventually share the innocence love. This person, who I shall keep anonymous, made me realize years later how selfless one can be for the person that they love.

I was fourteen when we met. It was a new pace of scenery as I attended a minuscule military school in the middle of nowhere Germany. Leaving America with a traumatizing past, I came to this new school with no friends and no confidence. My new peers thought I was weird and different and I could only confide in the two friends that I did have; my anonymous love and the one that introduced us.

He was shy, modest and peculiar. He wasn’t like any boy I had met or any boy I have met. In that moment it was like he emanated perfection and he was all that I wanted. It was from that moment to the beginning of our tumultuous relationship that I dedicated everything to grasping his attention.

Our relationship started lightly and innocent. It was made up of hand holding and shallow discussions. I am one to hold up walls, very high walls, and it takes me some time to let them down for new people. Two months after this start, it was briefly ended on his terms. In this brief time, I had made new friends, became stronger, louder, and in a sense, “bitchier”. I had a partner for a small time who I’d make-out with in the halls and people were surprised that the weird freshman girl scored a good looking senior boy.

After the short time with my partner I was back together with, whom I shall call, anon. It was this reunion that began our self-destructing relationship.