I have read it all, and I am somewhat impressed. The story is rushed and the characters are somewhat underdeveloped, but overall you have a solid, followable effort. I think you should take the suggestions of the other reviewers in terms of editing. I would make the dialogue as plausible as you can make it, make it sound real. Those are my suggestions anyway. Again, solid effort.
So it's been a couple years since I've been on this site, and lots has changed. Most of my writing is between two to three years difference to the stuff I'm writing now. Please pay attention to the di.. more..