Flutter

My image group write....pretty corny, but I am posting it anyway...just because I can..try and stop me.

Flutter

I wish that I could flutter up

My wings the hue of buttercups

My mouth the shape, a perfect "O"

Your lips like nectar down below

I wish that I could kiss the sky

And mock the strangers passing by

On your shoulder after flight

With whispers of a sweet delight

I'd tickle the spot below your nose

Give flattering remarks about your clothes

I would smile my smile and batt my eyes

Charm you with my patent lies

I'd tell you of my trip to france

And ask you if you'd like to dance

I would treat you like you're super sweet

You'd smash me flat beneath your feet

Author's Note

Gadzooks! its my writing and I still can't get the girl...I so suck.

Reviews

[Kasey Jones]

I really like this piece. It's not corny really because..you KNOW it's corny, so it's almost as if you're mocking yourself. But in a good way. I like the rhyming because it wasn't forced but it still works so well with the poem. The ending makes this interesting.

[Ice QueenJen]

This was a lovely writing, I like it. And far from being corny, but such a tragic ending.

[Jenny Nelson]

Well, I can't speak for your love life, but I'd say this write is very fun and clever. Love the "surprise" ending. The rhythm gets you going faster and faster, and then BAM! You get nailed with the "rejection."

[Devons]

I really like the anti-climax of this poem, it's real comedy relief! The concept of imagining yourself a butterfly to a certain person you admire or love is quite an ironic one to a degree, and that is emphasised with the final demise... All the love talk and pretty flowers and lyrical colours are what is represented by the butterfly, but that is only a temporary thing - rather like the life of the butterfly itself...! Here for a short while then inevitably dies out; flutters around admirably, caught in the glimmer of sunshine, only to suddenly one day be struck down and crushed by a mindless and eyeless foot. A great metaphor for love...
The rhyme and rhythm of this piece is very good and it flows nicely off the tongue - well-crafted, and with a softly spoken humour.

[Elizabeth]

This was so sweet. Until the spat part. I smiled all the way through. Perfect, in my book.

[Bette]

haha love it!!!!

[just rose.]

hahahahhahahahahha

the last line is a treasure. the images are so lovely and the story's going along so nicely and then ... splat.

[c.m.]

Your afterthought cracked me up...I have never seen you rhyme before, it's lovely. You say corny, I say wonderful...you've done it again.