Flutter

My image group write....pretty corny, but I am posting it anyway...just because I can..try and stop me.

Flutter

I wish that I could flutter up

My wings the hue of buttercups

My mouth the shape, a perfect "O"

Your lips like nectar down below

I wish that I could kiss the sky

And mock the strangers passing by

On your shoulder after flight

With whispers of a sweet delight

I'd tickle the spot below your nose

Give flattering remarks about your clothes

I would smile my smile and batt my eyes

Charm you with my patent lies

I'd tell you of my trip to france

And ask you if you'd like to dance

I would treat you like you're super sweet

You'd smash me flat beneath your feet

Author's Note

Gadzooks! its my writing and I still can't get the girl...I so suck.

Reviews

[Kasey Jones]

I really like this piece. It's not corny really because..you KNOW it's corny, so it's almost as if you're mocking yourself. But in a good way. I like the rhyming because it wasn't forced but it still works so well with the poem. The ending makes this interesting.

[Chloe..Across the Unive..]

I love the poem and what you got from the butterfly image.
A lovely lovely love poem... Congratulations!

Peace
Chloe

[A.Lee]

"I'd tell you of my trip to france
And ask you if you'd like to dance
I would treat you like you're super sweet
You'd smash me flat beneath your feet"

Cute. That made me smile. I just got this image of you being smashed like a little bug beneath some lady's shoe. :) Nice work though. It has a very sing-song feel to it.

[Miss Coral]

Love this- this imagery, the rhythm... perfect. Corny, but not in a bad way. Nice job. :)

[Nianque]

i like it because it is corny. :) lol still better than anything i can write on a good day . lol love how you twist the ending around !!

[Wicahpi]

LoL Well that is a bad ending (I mean sad).
Made me giggle (no I'm not mean) but
I can see how it could happen.

Corny, but worth reading.
Nothing wrong with a little corny.
I do live in Nebraska now, so corn(y) fits?

Okay that was corny! haha

[Creepy Swine Guy]

I really ... really like this. There are a few places that I would tweak. For example S3L2 seems cumbersome and definitely out of step with the crisp, clean nature of the rest of the poem. How would ...

"Inhale the fragrance of your clothes."

... sound in place of what is there? As I look at it ... in S3L1 there seems to be an extra beat too. What would you think of replacing the word "brush" in for the word "tickle"?

Now don't take these suggestions as indications of distaste. These are (in my feeble old mind) the potential differences between a VER VERY good poem and a stunning poem. But the poem is yours and must sound stunning to YOUR ears FIRST. So if you don't change a damned thing, I still REALLY enjoyed this poem. It's beautiful man.

[Antonio Valentino]

Man, this was sweet corn my friend. Butterflies rock brother!

Just like this poem, and its author!

Right on dude, this was really cool :)

Antonio

[Amy Bumpas]

This is cute, I love it, even though death happens at the end LOL!
I think this is one of my favorites of yours. It rhymes and flows so
well together...and oh, so cute:))

[emmajoy]

I like this .. it's lighthearted, it's a different style for you, and its made me smile - poor you at the end though, must have hurt!

[Ruth]

This is cute hon:) I like it:)
Gracefully written!
Ahh
Hugs xx