Flutter

My image group write....pretty corny, but I am posting it anyway...just because I can..try and stop me.

Flutter

I wish that I could flutter up

My wings the hue of buttercups

My mouth the shape, a perfect "O"

Your lips like nectar down below

I wish that I could kiss the sky

And mock the strangers passing by

On your shoulder after flight

With whispers of a sweet delight

I'd tickle the spot below your nose

Give flattering remarks about your clothes

I would smile my smile and batt my eyes

Charm you with my patent lies

I'd tell you of my trip to france

And ask you if you'd like to dance

I would treat you like you're super sweet

You'd smash me flat beneath your feet

Author's Note

Gadzooks! its my writing and I still can't get the girl...I so suck.

Reviews

[Kasey Jones]

I really like this piece. It's not corny really because..you KNOW it's corny, so it's almost as if you're mocking yourself. But in a good way. I like the rhyming because it wasn't forced but it still works so well with the poem. The ending makes this interesting.

[Norma M Sutton]

ROFL Love the last line. I'm always terribly suspicious of flattery lol

[Ice QueenJen]

again its good!

GQ

[Inkcognito]

LOL..."Charm you with my patent lies"...perhaps that's not the best way to get the girl!! ;-)
A light-hearted, sweet, fun read with a high 'awww' factor...the right one will come flutter by sooner or later and then you'll ask her for that dance, perhaps even whisper some sweet delights...
(and you know what...sucking isn't necessarily always a bad thing?!! *grins*)

[Cherrie Palmer]

very humors, too cute i enjoyed the flow of this and the rhyme and pace of your piece. Poetry should be fun from time to time

[FlawedByDesign]

hehe - You've got to stop hiding the pretense my friend. In my poem "PERSONA WARDROBE" I mention how I wear masks, "my other self built on pretend and lies". Do away with masquerades. Lies may get her now, but we both know they are bound to surface once again.

This is quite an easy-flowing poem. Akin to a beauty on a gondola :) You've got a great flow with nice rhymes; remind me of my own - hehe
The line, "Your lips like nectar down below" stole the show for me.

Nicely done :)

[jenniewren (J.W. Bouwma..]

what makes the corniness work.. is there is a sort of... hmm... snarky smile inside of it, and that is what tickles my sense of humour *grins*

[Adora.xo]

Haha awe! You don't suck! This was a great great piece! I was smiling through the whole this, yes it's corny, but in a cutesy funny way lol. Great job hun, I loved it!

~Adora

[J.Black]

Well I am very happy that you threw down some pride and posted this. You may suck in the sense you can't get a girl- but you rock poetry wise! Ha Ha Ha! I love the comparison which you drew out of this. It's true, sometimes in love we feel smaller than the other and love squashes us flat. Perhaps you should show this girl the poem, it's true, we're sucker for corny things! Way to go butterflies!

[Kristina Moulaison]

I have never even tried to write a poem that has form or that rhymes and it seems like everyone I read on here now is doing it. Perhaps I should give it a try. I am envious of your ability to find words that fit and tell your story. I am wondering if you knew how this would end, or if that is just what ended up happening. Your note is funny. This is well done. The twisted ending after all your sweetness is great.

[Alice_In_WhateverLand]

there is just something about this poem... i really like it! :) yeah, it sounds a little corny, but thats what makes this poem work :)