Hate Myself

Hate Myself

   Obviously, you can tell, I hate myself. Which I do. I hate the way I look. I hate the way I act. I hate how I always lie to myself and everyone I know. I hate pretending. I hate having to put a fake smile on my face all the time. I just really hate myself.

   When I smile, I want to cry. When I laugh, I just want to yell, “F**K ME!” When I lay on my bed in the dark I just want to end it all.

   I feel so trapped. Why do I have to do this all of the time? Why do I have to pretend? Why do I have to lie? Why do I have to be me? Why do I have to be here?

   I’ve lied about myself. No one knows who I truly am. No one knows the real Alyssa. And no one wants to. Sometimes I just want to let go and tell everyone, “This is who I am” but I know that deep down, no one will see me the same. No one will care for me. No one knows the truth.

   Every day of my life I plaster a fake smile on my face as if it were make up. Every day friends always ask me, “Are you okay?” I nod my head in reply. But really, I just want to tell them no. No I’m not fine. I’m not okay. I’m tired of pretending everything is okay because it’s been years and nothing has changed.

   Want to tell people who I truly am without them thinking I’m “not one of them.” I want to express who I am without being treated like I’m an alien, or I’m disgusting. I don’t want people to look at me as if I’m a disgusting creature that roams around.

   So then I hide, and lie. About everything. About me. My life. My everything. If only. If only. If only! All I can do is wish and hope and fantasize about people accepting me. Me. Not the lie that I made me. Not the person I killed with lies. But me. Alyssa. If only.....

Reviews

[EternalDarkness]

Ah, this is a very good story. I have a feeling a lot of people have experienced this: the feeling of fear when you lie to yourself and to others around you. When you've lied and you're afraid of people finding out the truth about you. Losing the people closest to you because of those lies. Wanting to be accepted for you who are rather than what people perceive you as. Nonetheless, a very nice story. Great job.

[Alyssa C.]

Thank you.