me and myself

A Story by Heli Rajamäki

“So, tell me something about you”

-I’m a girl

“Haha, yea but could you tell some specific information such as age and location… maybe something what you are interested in?”

-umm… I’m 19 and half year old… I go to upper secondary school still and live in Finland… oh and I write and draw sometimes too… and when I’m pissed off I run or take shower, hot one of course to relax me, and I also make playlists in Soundcloud.

But to be honest… what am I really?

Yes, it is my third cup of coffee and it's only 11.27am. I don’t like coffee much but it’s better than hot chocolate because I’m allergic for chocolate. I have sleep 10 hours and outside I look as normal person but inside I’m as a retarded zombie. And that’s my morning. Coffee and working in automatic mode. I notice absolutely nothing and remembering anything is total challenge. And how about talking? Total nonsense. You would need translation and guess half of words what I try to say… “You know... it’s like umm… yea and half of that circle kind of thing which I don’t know.. You know what I mean?” "yes, absolutely not understanding you and your thoughts.

Yea I know that I eat as much as person who’s into hours of workout even I do none. I know I’m thin even have food habits as those people in “lose your weight” "programs. And that’s what I do during day; eat brunch, snack and another, dinner and other snack and then something sweet on evening and sometimes during day. Do I do sports…? Nope. I walk from home to bus and vice versa in 10minutes per way (so means I walk 20 minutes per day and 5 times in a week, expect on vacations).

At home I only eat, sit or lay though sometimes I help with younger siblings. Only thing I like to do (if won’t count eating as one) is make myself feel that I’m pretty as any girl like to but I like it only when I’m alone. Yea I know that’s strange but I’m not used to any kind of attention. When I got new long skirt which was so pretty I got stared at and it made me so uncomfortable. I’m used to be that loser type at school. Though I’m pretty much admired by young girls like sisters, cousins and their friends (and of course different kind of creepers in social media). Sometimes I hear friend of sister take breath and say: “is she your sister…?” like I’d be some kind expensive porcelain doll which people get jealous about. Another funny thing is that I’m able to find clothes which would look good on my friend or sister but finding something for me is like rarely experienced treat (and usually that cloth isn’t that cheap so I’d dare to buy it).

As I have already mentioned my sisters… My family isn’t “normal sized”. Here in Finland normal number of kids in family is 1-2. So my parents have me, brother and 3 sisters. And yea, I’m the oldest one and after me is brother and then sisters. Brother is protective and caring and so funny like every brother should be. Sisters are cute, unique and lovely. From them we hear many funny things. Once my sisters were singing on back yard and one of them singed like: “Ohhh, baby~… I’m so cool and pretty~… so fine that dreams come true~…” Everyone loves them if ignore those rage age moments. And my all relatives including my family have strong voice. Like when I talk normally people told me to talk more quietly because everyone was able to hear me. That’s another reason why I don’t get so many friends here. Another thing is that we have kind of deep voice. Like some people ask from my brother how he has so dark voice. And we wonder how some people are able to talk that high. To me high voice would cause sore throat. I have more like bass voice than bird singing type. I’m not that feminine kind girl if we talk about my voice.

And social media status? Lazy one. I rarely update about myself… and if I do it’s about things which have happen already month or year ago. “Oh, there’s still my old relationship date status on… even have had 2 other relationships between that and my current one. Well, not big deal. I ask my partner to change status and all needed if he want to.” How about friends? Oh well, I’m not as active as I could be. I live away from some of them and I have my own international friendships in Kik, and of course some of them are in Facebook. And local friends have kind of gave up on me because I was busy at home before. So they think I have no free time at all. But no problem. I have Putlocker and its offered series too.

I have always write or at least tell my own stories. I have sing… terribly but still. I also draw when I get inspiration. First I try to draw my idea and when I have time I’ll fix it or remake it. Sometimes I just stare old drawing and watch them with horror: “I have been so proud of this one… and it’s terrible… I really need to fix it.” I draw mostly females because can check lines and all from me by help of mirror. My partner haven’t accept of being my model as guy (See? I still remember that you said you could). But I’ll be working on it.

That’s my life. I’m not that interesting person. But… you know what I mean.