The River

"I love you", he types.

"love u too", I answer.

But after while my mind keeps telling:

"He won't stay".

      That just simply crushes me down, pulls me down to a dark cold well kind, force me to swallow darkness and emptiness inside me. I just can't fight back. I don't want to leave but I have to...or that's what my minds says. I just cry alone in my room, be helpless, and try to leave; not in my propose though... Just cry and let those words flow through me. As there would be slimy river on my wrists; it is cold but burns, it hurts but don't cause damage to see. It climbs to my throat and that's it. And I always regret that, immediately.

I remember everything;

All those late night calls with silly jokes, laughs until tummy was hurting... I remember when you decided to accept challenge to make me laugh, and I failed every time. So much good...

And that time when you decided to wake up to my message because I had nightmares.

The look in your eyes when you get really excited about something. The smile when you tease me and other close ones. The laugh when we both are being silly. You were always so close to my heart.

Just love that...don't want to loose it.

You're the best. Too good. Now and forever.

Still you always pick me up from those deeps of depression and anxiety. Still you are able to show me what I mean to you. I can't understand it. How?

I hurt you and try to leave...still you keep my side even I can't.

I'm so sorry to cause trouble over and over again...

And still we always get over all this...

But The River won't leave.