Damned.

You’ve got a smile that is one of a kind, you know.

I know you feel saturnine, it’s evident, even though you regret us so,
but damn, I cannot shake you, and I feel like you need to know.

That I love you, I love you so,
but damn, I’m so done and too distressed to know that we’re just foes.

We were so beautiful, like a bittersweet winter day,
but for some strange reason, you desired to go your own way.

Damn, you broke my heart softly, then fiercely each day,
and you left me, deceased, when I had left so much to say.

I don’t know what happened, or how we ended up like this,
but damn, I know you were my first love, my second bliss.

Now your absent, and now I despise you, and that’s something I’ll slowly get used to,
but it’s a shame you used your beautiful self breaking me slowly, like you love to do.

You’ve got a smile that is one of a kind, you know.
But I hope that you miss the absolute damn out of this bright dreamer, just as I do you.

Author's Note

I'm only 16, this will not be perfect. But feel free to review :)

Reviews

[Chris C.]

Very strong right up till the end, the last verse is kinda awkwardly worded. Quite good though. In particular, loved this verse: "Damn, you broke my heart softly, then fiercely each day, / and you left me, deceased, when I had left so much to say. "

[helen.cornett]

Thanks for giving your input! :)

[Boy of the red]

It's pretty good. I like the rhyme and the words but why don't you try to split it up a little more. Break them up into 4 or 5 line stanzas. Might help with the flow. Whatever your style is :) never put your talent on your age btw :)

[helen.cornett]

Thanks for the advice! :)

[llala]

I liked this poem, I'm 18 and I want to be a veterinarian & writer also and I know how it feels not knowing if your poems are good or not but listen - if every poem is from the heart then that's all that matters! xo

I liked this poem a lot though, it had a lot of emotion, sadness and frustration in it.

A quick tip - Don't worry so much about rhyming all the time

But keep up the good work & follow your dreams :))

[helen.cornett]

Very sweet- thank you for your kind words :)

[Girl Friday (Sarah W.)]

What I enjoyed about this one is the obvious emotion that was put into writing it. I can feel the angst and the desperation in the words, as well as, perhaps, a bubbling strength. You are on the right track.

The things I would work on...tightening up the language a little bit--that would entail doing an edit and taking out any words that are not absolutely necessary to the meaning of the piece, which would help the flow. Some of the lines are just a little too long, and I think the beat and rhythm would be better and more smooth if they were pared down a bit.

Overall...this one has good bones. :)

[helen.cornett]

thank you for the tips! Very nice :)

[Broken Soul]

Overall, I liked this poem. But there are some small things I would like to point out that take down the quality of it.. (these are my opinions, here to help, not be a meanie)
1) The use of vulgarity, in my opinion, isn't appropriate and degrades your work.
2) Try to keep a consistent rhyme scheme.
3) Check for (minor) errors in your grammar. ( spelling mainly )
Not a 100/100 but you'll get there eventually :) Keep on writing. It's your dream, chase after it.

[helen.cornett]

Nobody is perfect, especially for my age, but many thanks for your advice! Thanks for enjoying it! :)