Abandon

 

This is going to be very personal, probably more personal that anyone would like to hear from one such as myself. I could never say this directly to someone, so I guess a broad mass generalization of audience such as this may help me get out what hurts me the most. I apologise if this becomes tedious for you. It is my heart, or rather my lack there of that I lay into this page. Do with it what you will. Most have already.

 

To make the longer story short, we spent five years being in love, two years before that becoming friends. He healed me. He made all that alienated me from people bearable. My history of sexual, emotional and physical abuse abolished. Long story short. I moved my entire life for this man, lived with this man, and woke up one day, to find out I had nothing. This man had abandoned me. No goodbye, no conversation, no nothing. Imagine if you will. Going to sleep in your room, you've been in for years with everything in it as you know. As it is comfortable to you, as you are happy, as you exist in this life, this place, this world. Than imagine waking up in darkness. Feeling blindly for anything that is recognisable and all that is available to you is what you assume to be earth under your feet. You are standing in nothing, black nothing. What should've been a bed you wake in has been blinked out of existance. This is what happened to me. This is how I feel. This is the darkness I am grappling with. This is how he left me. With no previous indication, with the no idea of knowing the next day I would be without him.

So there it is. I have no self worth because he abandoned me. I wasn't enough to be loved. He left because I am flawed. Whatever his reasons, I have lost the self worth I had before. Not because loving him gave me worth. But because I can not remember who I was before him to regain my individual self worth. And I try and try and try again and all the comfort I can scrounge is the hands of a man, who doesn't love me, doesn't care for me, doesn't need me who belongs to someone else, but WANTS me. Comes back as much as I push him away.

And I must ask you.

 

What do you do when the man you loved with, doesn't want you? You find whoever wants you most, however sick a want, and keep him around.

 

This man is gone.

 

I am gone.

 

I am however trying still.

Hope.

Reviews

[MrBaskerville]

Almost had a poem like quality to it, sad but not bad. Be careful with repetition you make the "long story short" comment two times in the start.

[Coyote Poetry]

The feeling of disappointment is hard to understand. I treated woman badly and got treated badly also. Can't allow disappointment to bring you down. Took me 37 years to find my wife. When I did. I knew it was right. Life seem unfair. We must find people who set our soul afire and we can do the same for them. Your story is sad and we must get up and hope for a better road. We need friends first. Love does come. I like the hope at the end.
Coyote
Coyote