Memory

My great-grandmother's struggle with Alzheimer's had a huge toll on my family. This poem tells our story from five different perspectives ending with my great-grandmother herself.

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Memory

by Hillary Noelle Hardesty on Thursday, June 18, 2009 at 9:47pm

I need to know when this is going to end.
What is going to happen to her? When is it going to be my turn? Who is going to take over this responsibility? Who is going to help me? I need help. Help me. I don’t know what to do. Who can I turn to now? I need to see somebody. I can’t deal with this one my own. This is too big for me to handle. There’s this burden that can’t be ignored. Everything that needs to be done, I can’t do it. I can’t bring myself to do it. I feel bad for getting so frustrated, but I just can’t help it. Help me.

I need to know when this is going to end.
I can’t find someone to help. I can only do so much. Maybe I could do more, but I could also pass the responsibility to somebody else. I give up. The emotional stress has incapacitated me to take action. If I disconnect myself some more, I can deal with the situation less. By doing the bare minimum, am I still involved? Does my little contribution even matter? I can do what needs to be done, only the bare essentials, and remain emotionless. I’m very well off and I can’t even deal anymore. Help me.

I need to know when this is going to end.
Why is it my responsibility to be so involved? Nobody around me is doing anything to help. Why is this all falling back on me? I don’t think I care more than anybody else, but I have the resources to help more. It shouldn’t be such a burden to do something that we all have to do, but it is. I can’t believe this is all happening. This isn’t whom I knew before and the same person will never exist. What is going on? Reality is gone for one, but the harsh reality is now hitting me. Fine, give it all to me. I’ll do it. Let me do all of the work. Help me.

I need to know when this is going to end.
I can’t do anything about any of this. I just have to sit and watch. Everybody around me is falling apart. I give suggestions and advice, but who is going to take me seriously with the little life experience that I do have. I feel as though I am invisible. I never saw that past. I only see the grim present and future. Please, go away. This problem is too much to witness and it’s too much to live. I never thought this could happen to me, but it is. I only saw it on TV, but to live it is something completely different. My help is denied. Help me.

I need to know when this is going to end.
I don’t know where I am. Who am I? Is this my house? I’m so lonely. When is somebody going to come over and visit me? I’m so scared and so alone. I want to get out of here. I’m having so many problems and I don’t know what to do about them. I’m so sore. My back hurts me so bad. Are you who I think you are? I’m sorry I keep calling you by the wrong name. I haven’t seen you in years. I miss you so much. I think about you all the time. I pray for you every day. I love you so much…help me.