To you, EPW

i wonder at which point exactly it was when you lost interest in me.

when you stopped feeling like you should show affection…

because i know that once, you did like me.

me.

me,

me?

so i must have done something for that to have changed…

that’s strange.

to think…

i

had any sort of effect on you. on someone, in this world…

i hope i did not cause you any pain

and i am sorry if i did.

you were always a bit of a mystery, to me, i think

and i guess that was part of the reason i liked you.

because,

i did like you

and i still, kind of, do…

that is the problem and the source of this poem.

so i wonder if i will ever know what thoughts were going through your head:

at first

during             ------         (the transition)

and now.

i had a dark patch where my memories are hazy

so i must have done something.

or rather, not done something.

and now you seem to have emerged an entirely different creature.

i was too blinded by myself to see the world around me,

and if,

or how,

i was affecting it.

we were never really all that close, i don’t think

but i always think that…

maybe if…

maybe if…

maybe if.

i used to think there was some kind of connection between us,

i think that’s being too presumptuous.

then, i would have liked to think there was some kind of connection between us

and i feel like maybe there would have been more of a definite answer

if i had

only, only, only

not let my self-doubt come in my way

spitting in my eyes and mouth

so i could not talk. to you.

and still i wonder if there was some great potential hidden in ourselves

to make each other better people,

to have a bond that i dream about having with someone.

i will never know.

i may never know.

i want to know.

time is ticking down, and i am far too slow

and scared �" i am always full of fear �"

to make any kind of move to investigate…

oh, i am so sad…

now i can only see you as another person i failed with.

i am sorry.

you stood by me

literally

when i was at my worst,

yet…

i could never ever find the courage to try and seek some solace in you,

i don’t know if that is what you wanted.

you must have seen me just as a cold and dull version of who i was before,

but i think i might have made you think it was somehow your fault?

i don’t know what you feel.

i don’t know what you feel about me.

not much anymore, it must be.

occasionally we have conversations

but we always keep our distance.

you definitely do.

i don’t know how i feel about you either, so

maybe i am a hypocrite.

i’m not even sure that it matters to me anymore, but…

i think i just want to know.

i am sorry that i failed years ago

but i’m trying hard now to never go back there again.

i must be lonely…

yes…

i am lonely. maybe that is why this seems to matter to me

but my loneliness is for another time.

you, you, you…

honestly, i do not really think about you much anymore.

but now that i have…

it really is a shame that i never took opportunities to be your friend, to be closer to you.

you know…

from the start of our friendship

i always thought you were a beautiful being.

maybe i put you on a pedestal sometimes

i thought you were amazing… the most amazing…

and still, in a way, i think you are beautiful now too. but i am just an observer.

i think we have spun out of any kind of orbit.