Late Night Feelings

Constructive critisism is great but this was just me getting some thinngs off my chest.

What even is the point of my existence. Im most definitely not good at a single thing. Oh, except lying, cheating, f*****g s**t up, hating myself, stuff like that. Im really good at those things, the best even. All i wanted in this life was to have a purpose and now i know i dont. So why am i still here? For some reason i cant bring myself to leave. Something still draws me in to living. What though? Can anyone help me figure that out? Honestly i dont even wanna get close enough to someone for their help. Ive been beaten down and left enough.. i dont even know what a real relationship is anymore. Is it sex? Buying them countless amounts of things? Being someone for them to show off? Cause thats about all i feel right now. Every time i feel like i finally found love it takes its mask off and turns my life upside down. I dont know if i can take another turn around like that. Im 19 years old. Ive been raped. Physically and emotionally abused. Cheated on countless times, all while hearing the words "i love you" out of the same mouth. Ive been told "this is what you do when you love someone" all while being stripped down and taken advantage of. But of course i went with it because thats all i wanted. Love. Im 19 years old and ive had an affair with an almost married man with 3 children. I did this knowingly. Thinking that the words spilling out of his mouth were finally going to be true. Thinking i had found my someone. That same man turned around and lied straight to my face. Im 19 years old and i have a life long sexually transmitted disease. Because of a choice that i consciously made. I was stupid. I deserve every bit of unhappiness that comes my way now. Im 19 years old and i cant even look at my own body. My scarred, burned, bruised body. I dont even want it to be mine anymore. What used to be my prized possession is now my most hated feature. I feel like i have been fed on. In all meanings of the phrase. Physically i feel like my body has been ravaged by carnivorous men who only have one thing on their mind. Clever like lions. They know how to hunt, on the most vulnerable animal in the pack. Mentally i feel like i have lost my mind to drugs. They ripped my memory away from me. They clouded my thought process. They took away my knowledge. All the things that i was passionate about, that i spent countless hours studying and learning about. Emotionally i am so drained. I feel like every person that has been involved in my life has turned on my emotional faucet and helped themselves, sometimes not turning it off, leaving it running for months until i have run out of emotion to give. Drained. Spiritually i dont even know. My heart and mind are torn on this topic. I feel like i have a literal devil and angel on my shoulder. The devil is appealing and cunning. The angel is soothing and motivating. Both are equally persuasive. The only way to get through my days was music. But even still i lost my passion for that too. I rarely sing. I rarely flood my ears with the soothing sounds. It scares me. Music was my life, my passion. And now the spark is fading. Not completely out but barely lit. Just like me. I f*****g hate myself

Author's Note

Tell me what you thought, but please no hate.. i dont know how much more of that i can handle

Reviews

[Michael Iam Bone]

Let go of how you think you, your life, and the world should be, and accept them for the way they are. Let go of the past, don't dream of the future, appreciate the present. Happiness is a choice that only you can make, don't let others choose it for you, for happiness comes from within yourself, not from the world around you. Love is like quicksilver, the harder you grasp it, the more it slips away. Don't waste time searching for love, because you don't find love, it finds you. You do not need the acceptance or love of others to be happy, because as I said before, happiness comes from within. This also means you shouldn't worry about what other people think of you. It becomes harder for others to love you the less you love yourself, because our actions and our words stem from our thoughts. If our thoughts are negative, so will our actions and words. But the opposite is also true, if our thoughts are positive, so will our actions and words. Being successful doesn't make you happy, being happy makes you successful. Last thing I have to say for now is this: Suicide doesn't open any doors, it closes all of them, taking away any chances of fixing your mistakes, making your life better, learning to enjoy it rather than suffer through it. Everyone has the potential to live a happy life, and everyone has the potential to make their lives better. Don't underestimate yourself, you only fail when you give up. Don't give up. (If you need to talk to someone you can talk to me, I care and always will care.)