CHAPTER II. WHO IS ALYSSA?

      

         Her name is Alyssa dela Griego. She was from a simple community in the town of Camiling, Tarlac. She’s the eldest child. Since they were only three children, they were much closed to each other. That closeness �" a bond between families is the one she misses every time she remembers home.

         She’s here in the city to search for a good job. But is this job good enough for her? She wants to shout out yet as the memory of home comes flashing back on her mind like a big, big screen…
                                 
  *****

          “Armando!” She again heard that voice with authority.

           She saw her parents looked upon each other. She knows what they feel. They are afraid. She looks upon her brother and sister whose faces are innocently looking to their parent’s movements.

         “O-Okay, Lara…Mario, go to bed now,” she told them so. Then the two followed, but their eyes are asking her what is happening and who is that person shouting behind their door. She resigned them to sleep because they are too young to understand the situation. They were asking questioning to each other until they fall asleep then I leaved them going to my bed. But the commotion outside scrambled my thoughts and I can’t help but just listen.

          “Armando!” called again by that voice.

          “What do you want?” her father replied.

            “Get out of the house and let us talk!”

           “It’s late at night. Everybody is sleeping. We can talk tomorrow.”

           “I said, get out!” the voice was already angry.

           Her mother embraced her father. “A-Armando, please…don’t go. I’m really afraid.”

           “I have to do this. I want to end all of these.” Her father’s decision was firm.


            As she went out of the bedroom of her siblings, she saw her father went out and closed the door behind him. She went to her mother’s side, totally puzzled and don’t know what to do at the moment. They were both afraid. They heard voices outside. Thinking they were having an
argument. But about what? She looked upon her mother whose eyes are now full of tears.

             “It’s your Uncle Timo again. He’s forcing us to leave this house…this land.”

             “But why? This is our home!” she cried.

       

Reviews

[Pax]

My comments:

Sometimes in writing a story, spaces are really good to separate each dialog or each phrase that needs pause. I see in this chapter you needed space. Sorry pretty friend sometimes I can’t help on putting something in my editions to add some more depth to it, hope you don’t mind.

My Edition:

Her name is Alyssa dela Griego. She was from a simple community in the town of Camiling, Tarlac. She’s the eldest child. Since they were only three children, they were much closed to each other. That closeness – a bond between families is the one she misses every time she remembers home.

She’s here in the city to search for a good job. But is this job good enough for her? She wants to shout out yet as the memory of home comes flashing back on her mind like a big, big screen…

My comments:

But is it a good job she has found? – I take this out as I assume she is been in the city for awhile now. Because yet again, you put little information about her city life. I just want to advice you as I advice myself that in a story we need to show more about what is now, what is the present character information, like your building up the character to the readers.

My edition:

“Armando!” She again heard that voice with authority.

She saw her parents looked upon each other. She knows what they feel. They are afraid. She looks upon her brother and sister whose faces are innocently looking to their parent’s movements.

“O-Okay, Lara…Mario, go to bed now,” she told them so. Then the two followed, but their eyes are asking her what is happening and who is that person shouting behind their door. She resigned them to sleep because they are too young to understand the situation. They were asking questioning to each other until they fall asleep then I leaved them going to my bed. But the commotion outside scrambled my thoughts and I can’t help but just listen.

“Armando!” called again by that voice.
“What do you want?” her father replied.
“Get out of the house and let us talk!”
“It’s late at night. Everybody is sleeping. We can talk tomorrow.”
“I said, get out!” the voice was already angry.
Her mother embraced her father. “A-Armando, please…don’t go. I’m really afraid.”
“I have to do this. I want to end all of these.” Her father’s decision was firm.

As she went out of the bedroom of her siblings, she saw her father went out and closed the
door behind him. She went to her mother’s side, totally puzzled and don’t know what to do at
the moment. They were both afraid. They heard voices outside. Thinking they were having an
argument. But about what? She looked upon her mother whose eyes are now full of tears.

“It’s your Uncle Timo again. He’s forcing us to leave this house…this land.”
“But why? This is our home!” she cried.
“There was no evidence to prove this house, this property was given to us. But God knows, this lot was given to us by your Lolo Poyong.”

My comments:

Okay, it was nice, there was no editing much, short but a bit suspenseful on the old scene.. I just added some additional info on how things are, to avoid confusion. I hope you don’t mind my pretty friend… hope this really help… other than that I enjoyed this chapter…

[Dhaye]

It really helped a lot. Thanks, bro. =)

[Pax]

your welcome, I had just clear up some few things lang naman not major, and i like the story is building up...

[Coyote Poetry]

The chapter was very good. I like the way you led the reader into the thought and situations in the chapter. I like her description and memory of family. You have create a interesting tale. I like the location and the realistic feel of the story. Thank you for sharing the excellent chapter.
Coyote

[Matthew Ian Herrawood W]

this has a few sentences incorrectly formed like the last chapter but not as many. its also nice to have a name however i would still have put it in the first chapter. this chapter also mentions things i dont know about... i have no idea where Tarlac is or what a Lolo Poyong is. a better written chapter than chapter 1 i hope they keep improving.

[Dhaye]

Thanks a lot.