CHAPTER I. REMINISCENCE

 

     As Alyssa wondered and look upon the faces in the old photograph. They were all wearing their smiles. She focused her attention on the girl at the center of those people. It was an eight-year old girl wearing a cute school uniform. She was held by her parents with blooming joy.


      She was that girl thirteen years ago. Those people are her family. The family that she loves more than herself. The same family she missed and longed to embrace right now, right this very moment, but she can’t.

       Tears rolled down on her face. She doesn’t want to cry. She doesn’t want to be sad, but can she control her emotions? No, She can’t, because it is about her beloved family. Her family that was far away from her. Even though she badly wants to be with them but all she could do is held on to the old photograph and missed them. Today is a special day, yet all she could do is cry.

        Yes, she doesn’t want to cry because it’s been a long time, she breaks down every time she misses home. Maybe she’s weak like what others had said to her, she’s a weak kind of woman in her family. Easily gets emotional, even simple things.

        “No, Alyssa! You are not weak. You are not that kind of woman!” She wiped out her tears and stand.

         She went over by the window. There, she can see millions of stars in the sky. She focused her attention to a certain star, for her this one is most beautiful of them all. Every time she see this star, she feels a different kind of strength from within. This become her inspiration for almost all of her life.

         “Someday, I can be like you. I will shine on this world. Everybody will admire me,” her words were full of strength. In her eyes, if anybody could see her, is that determination.
 

Reviews

[Pax]

My edition 1:

As Alyssa wondered and look upon the faces in the old photograph. They were all wearing their smiles. She focused her attention on the girl at the center of those people. It was an eight-year old girl wearing a cute school uniform. She was held by her parents with blooming joy.

My comments:

I really do need you to improve your introduction. It needs more solid data, about what she was wearing and who else was there in the photograph aside from her parents, just a little additional here and there…

My edition 2:

She was that girl thirteen years ago. Those people are her family. The family that she loves more than herself. The same family she missed and longed to embrace right now, right this very moment, but she can’t.

My comments:

I really do think you need to emphasis more on the emotions, and needed a little more information on why she can’t do this and that… on this part…

My edition 3:

Tears rolled down on her face. She doesn’t want to cry. She doesn’t want to be sad, but can she control her emotions? No, She can’t, because it is about her beloved family. Her family that was far away from her. Even though she badly wants to be with them but all she could do is held on to the old photograph and missed them. Today is a special day, yet all she could do is cry.

My comments:

This paragraph takes me time to edit, it’s a bit confusing, just a little bit… I hope I did manage to do it justice. Still needed more information, just a little bit to cease the confusion on why alyssa is far away…

My edition 4:

Yes, she doesn’t want to cry because it’s been a long time, she breaks down every time she misses home. Maybe she’s weak like what others had said to her, she’s a weak kind of woman in her family. Easily gets emotional, even simple things.

My comments:

Since childhood there’s no time that she’s not crying.- I deleted this sentence, I don’t know it’s confusing or very strange to think about it,LOL…kidding..ang ice ilagay mo na, baka natunaw na yung kakalagay mo lang..hehe

My edition 5:

“No, Alyssa! You are not weak. You are not that kind of woman!” She wiped out her tears and stand.

She went over by the window. There, she can see millions of stars in the sky. She focused her attention to a certain star, for her this one is most beautiful of them all. Every time she see this star, she feels a different kind of strength from within. This become her inspiration for almost all of her life.

“Someday, I can be like you. I will shine on this world. Everybody will admire me,” her words were full of strength. In her eyes, if anybody could see her, is that determination.

My comments:

She focused her attention to the star that for her, the most beautiful of them all. – you know this line is confusing, again, you didn’t put any information about this star, that is why I just put a certain star. I think somehow you should describe that star a bit to let your readers imagine something about that star, is it a part of the constellation or something…you decide…

My conclusion:

All in all, I did enjoyed contemplating and editing this chapter,you just need a little information in this and that… I like this because its short so it’s easy to finish, may kind of thing(tamad lng segoro kaya pinipili yung mga short lang). And I believed in editing your piece here, makes me realized how a chapter goes, it’s like learning all over again. You can take my suggestion or just leave it be, but I do hope this little help will truly help improve this chapter, now I missed writing a chapter of my own, ang dami ko nang pending na gagawin, hehe… keep it up, very nice chapter…

[Dhaye]

OMG. Ang sakit pala ng mata ko now. Pwede mamaya ko na basahin 'tong isang kilometrong comments na to? My mental block ako, etc etc. blah blah blah, ziz- boomba!

[Pax]

hahaha, ang bilis na tunaw ang yelo, mag additional ka pa,lol, sensya na sa haba nang editions nato... :D

[Dhaye]

Binasa ko na rin kahit hirap yung mata ko. Why di napapalaki ang font size ng comment? Eh ang dami-dami nya. But I am really grateful, bro. Same procedures of a lazy lola...copy paste from my kindest baby brother editor. Hehehe. Salamat ng marami. =)

[Pax]

lol, ayosin mo nag double na...hehe

[Dhaye]

ay, hehehe. oo nga. nahirap pala mangopya. =)

[Dhaye]

*mahirap mangopya

[Pax]

haha, as if di ka sanay...LOL copy paste and matched destination lang yan, edit mo kasi muna sa word bago dito sa wc...hehe

[Coyote Poetry]

A beautiful opening chapter. You gave enough history to create a strong character and purpose for the story. Thank you for sharing the excellent opening chapter. I shall keep reading.
Coyote

[Dhaye]

Thank you, CP.

[Matthew Ian Herrawood W]

Dream or Reality...? that's the question that grabbed my attention with this work. this chapter isn't enough for me to comment on the story however i can Comment on the content and way you have written it. so far we know nothing about the character except that she is approximately 21 years is unable to see her parents (I'm guessing they died) and female... for me we, the reader, need more even if its just a name. some people like to fully describe the characters upon meeting them others like to reveal more about the characters over two chapters. its up to you which you choose however i think a name is needed and it would be easy to fit in. The line

“No!” she said to herself. “I am not weak. I am not that kind!”

could be changed ever so slightly to include a name

"No (insert name)!" she said to her self. "you are not weak. you are not that Kind!"

The ending of the sentence ("...not that kind!") is possibly better written as "...not that kind of woman!" alot of this chapter is like that. it is for me very clunky and halting with incorrect sentances. for example

She go near the window.

should be

She goes near the window.
or
She went over by the window.

there seems to be a lot of sentences formed in this way and if it was fixed up it wouldn't seem to be clunky and halting. its easy enough to understand but it just doesn't flow.

[Dhaye]

Thank you so much for taking your time in this chapter. I appreciate your comments and suggestions. =)