Every little pain teaches us some lessons to remember...
When the pain started to dwell in the bottom of my heart Like a deep wound which could not be healed by time; When the song I sing are not those like lullabies For when the music played I hear them like my cry.
When the sun seems hiding behind the darkest clouds I have to wait for the rain fall from these eyes of mine; For the day makes me feel that I stepped out of light Like the night warning me some secrets to hide.
I don't want to stay in this dark corner forever Like a prison of my own guilt and fear; I want to stay out of this scary fever Like a free child playing my favorite game.
I have to heal my wounds by the love I receive I have to stay stronger as long as I live; I want to live with joy, with love and peace With those gifts I have, I want to subsist.
The pain which have been my worst company I have to live with it but learn with dignity; The gifts I have must be enjoyed fully Every wound was healed by the countless luck I see.
So I understand that every pain I had Is only a reminder how lucky I am; That every grief teaches the lesson to take into account And that pain has brought me to life!
Dark Corners, eh...what a coincidence. I actually wrote a poem called "Dark Corners", and though no one has a patent on words there are some things we have to be careful about
when writing. I have found that out first hand as I continue working on the tedious task of publishing my work...I didn't realize my work sucked so much until the editorial staff got their hands on it.
Anyway, a good write that could use some work....good use of simile and metaphor though more is better. Rhyming follows no pattern or (rhyme nor reason)...for example in stanza 5 you rhymed all lines aaaa, and in others you used the perception of near and slant rhymes inconsistently. Stanza 1 abbb (time-lullibies and cry) 2 (mine-light-hide) and 3 (forever-fear-fever) Not really rhymes, though near or slanted. It makes it difficult to read not knowing what and where to emphasize.
Also, dhaye...rhythm....cadence is not consistent...just makes it a little awkward.
I liked the message and the images you used.
The hardest part of writing is sometimes listening to other people's opinions. Poetry is very subjective and just because I made these comments, doesn't make them right. It is your creation and you know what your intent is and how you wanted to convey those thoughts.
Overall, I liked it. Just telling you what I feel. hopefully you accept my comments in the vein they were intended....as a critique, which I think we all want.
Good job
Allen
Posted 11 Years Ago
11 Years Ago
Thank you for your constructive criticism. Actually, I just write what comes out from my mind...free.. read moreThank you for your constructive criticism. Actually, I just write what comes out from my mind...freely. And maybe because some words just came out, some sounds like in rhyming pattern.
And about the "dark corners" issue...I am sorry if I used those words which also came out from my mind because my topic is about my PAIN. I don't intend to copy or imitate someone's work. If you will just read all my compositions, they have the same topic. I hope that you understand, such words are commonly used to refer to a BAD or PAINFUL SITUATION. I'm glad that in general, you still like my work.
That's the spirit! no rainbow.. without some rain..
Love it :)
Posted 11 Years Ago
11 Years Ago
Thanks for the compliment. I am just inspired to write what I feel right now. I am happy after survi.. read moreThanks for the compliment. I am just inspired to write what I feel right now. I am happy after surviving from different trials in my life.
11 Years Ago
Happy to hear that. Never give up.. those hardships made the person we r today. :)
When the sun seems hiding behind the darkest clouds
I have to wait for the rain fall from these eyes of mine;
For the day makes me feel that I stepped out of light
Like the night warning me some secrets to hide.
These lines are my faves in this wonderful poem...
Thank you for sharing the write and pain...
Posted 11 Years Ago
11 Years Ago
You're welcome. You are a wonderful writer for you have wonderful compositions, too.
Hello! I am Dhaye, a public secondary school teacher, a passionate artist "married" to her dream.
I write in different perspectives. So please know NOT all my works are about me.
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