Angels and Demons

Looking at me, you would never know I'm dying. You'd never see that inside I feel like my soul is being crushed. I can't breathe and there is nothing I can do about it. This world hates me and it doesn't hold back. What if I told you I'm not okay. What if I told you that my biggest fear is death yet I'm willing to overcome that fear if it means getting the f**k away from here. What if I told you that I'm lost. I'm tired of being strong. I'm tired of living in a place that I don't belong. I'm dying. Slowly, I'm dying. My breathing gets shorter. My head gets lighter. I slowly feel myself drifting in and out as I can see the world ahead of me and the world I'm in now. I'm scared. F**k, I'm so scared. I don't want to go on but I know that I have to because somewhere, there is a light in my dark tunnel. I look to the person I love with tears rolling down my face because they are the very reason I haven't relapsed. They are the reason I'm okay. God, what I wouldn't do to feel okay again. To not have to fight my inner demons every f*****g day of my God damn life. I'm tired. But this isn't a tired that can be slept off. No, this isn't a tired that can be fixed with a nap. This is a tired that controls your whole body until you're numb. You have no energy. It's like you're shutting down on the inside while still trying to live your life on the outside. It's an endless struggle of trying to beat the demons but also just wanting to let them win because you know in the end, it's easier. My angels and demons are playing tug of War and I'm the rope. I'm about to snap. My strings are wearing and I don't know how much more I can take. This pain is taking over. Don't let them win, don't let them.. don't.. just f*****g let them win! What else can I do? I'm a victim of this cruel place. I'm not a hero. I'm not as strong as everyone believes I am. I'm dying. For f**k sakes just pull yourself out of this! You can do this. No you can't. Yes, I can! It's an endless battle in your mind. What the f**k am I doing?! Why can't I just be normal. For f**k sakes woman,just breathe! But I don't want to! I'm tired of breathing. I'm tired of trying. I just want the blood. I miss it. The Crimson red running down my thigh. Tears dripping off of my face. Staring into a deep space. Why.. why does this happen. How can people be put through such pain. I wouldn't wish this pain on my worst enemy. Yeah, I'm fine. Sure, I'll be okay. But, I don't know when that's going to be. I don't know if I'm going to make it. God, please help me.. whether it be to take me from this pain or give me the strength I need to beat this because I'm losing. I'm losing and honestly I don't care anymore. But maybe I do.. yes of course I f*****g do. Of course I want to be better. Yes I want to be okay. But these f*****g demons are trying to take my God damn life away! I just want to scream at the top of my lungs. Please help me… please!!! I'm drowning.. I can't breathe.. he..lp me… please…I'm trying to beat these demons but they're f*****g with my head. I wake up from this dream with tears soaking my bed.