Fifteen Pills
“I can love you for all I'm worth, To the ends of the earth, But I just can't love you back” The words filled the tiny bathroom, Easton Corbin’s clear voice echoing off the walls, telling of the lover he couldn’t love back into returning to him. She sat on the cold tile floor, hands in her lap, staring at the tiny row of death in front her. As the final notes of the song played, she pulled out a sixth pill and studied it in the palm of her hand. The word “XANAX” was carved neatly into it’s white, oval surface, “1.0” printed underneath. She was no pharmacist, but she knew that she wasn’t taking any chances. She knew that she was going to do this and do it right. That’s why she had chosen her mother’s Xanax rather than sleeping pills or aspirin. She couldn’t stand one more minute of this. This is where she would die, in her bathroom, with it’s soft green walls and frigid, stark white tile.
She laid the sixth little pill in line with it’s brothers and fresh new tears came as the song began again on it’s loop. “I can love you every second, to the ends of the earth, Where needing you's the only thing that's on, my broken one track mind…” Seven pills. She hated that song. Eight pills. She hated his clear, perfect, beautiful voice. Hated the way that it tore her soul apart. Every word was how she felt. Thanks to that son of a b***h she was about to swallow death. Every time the song ended she added a pill to the line on the white tile. She was tormented with the thought of what this would do to those she loved. Because of Jayson and how he had hurt her, she had to hurt everyone else. Nine pills. She had to escape. Ten pills.
“What do you think babe?” Jayson stood with his arms outstretched in the middle of the master bedroom, awaiting her approval. Katheryn smiled at his excitement. She loved this house too. It was small but cozy, just right for them. “I love it!” she said. His smile stretched wider and he scooped her up in his open arms. “Just think, Kat, our own little place. We can get furniture, and paint, and decorate!” She had never seen him so ecstatic. “As soon as they promote me to welder, this place is ours. The owner said there hasn’t been much interest and that he would hold it for us! Isn’t that great?” “It’s wonderful Jay. I love it. Two months and we will have our very own house.”
His words ricocheted throughout her mind. “Just think, Kat, our own little place….” That lying son of a b***h. She lined up the eleventh pill on the tile. Her mom only had this medicine for panic attacks so she rarely used it. She would be sure to leave a few. Her mom would need them when they, well, found her. She wondered what death would feel like. Would it hurt or would she just slip away? She feared the consequences of suicide, she feared hell. But staying here wasn’t an option anymore. “I love you crazy, It comes so easy, after all we had, I could love you with all my heart, But the hardest part is, I just can't love you back.”The words were as if she herself had written them. She didn’t understand, they had been so happy. And now there were pictures all over Facebook of him with her. He had cheated on her with this, Emily. How could he do such a thing? Katheryn had been good to him. Now she was a shell of a person, sitting on her bathroom floor in blue shorts and a black tank top, her golden blonde hair hanging freely over her tear-stained, mascara streaked face. And it was all Jayson’s fault.
“Awww c’mon Kitty Kat, play one game with me.” He stood in the doorway, football in hand, bouncing from foot to foot, pleading like a child. He was so handsome, tan with dark hair and emerald green eyes. “Okay, okay, but then I have to do my homework.” They went outside and played for hours. It was the last thing they would do together. He kissed her goodnight and hugged her close, crushing her in his grip. It was as if he never wanted to let her go. She had thought it was sweet. He left her house that night under the premise that everything was great. The next day, while at work, he sent her a text message. “im just not as happy as I used to be im sry im done.” He didn’t even have the decency to spell anything out or punctuate it. After all those years, he didn’t even feel that she deserved a phone call. They were 20, him on the edge of 21, and high school sweethearts. They were so in love. But with one text message, he left her for, Emily.
The song was still on repeat, and she now had fifteen pills lined up in front of her. That should do it. She thought of his green eyes as she scooped them up into her hand. She felt the weight of them in her palm, as if they were made of lead. She thought of her family and how much they loved her. They had been there for her through the whole thing, tiptoeing around her and trying to find things to do to cheer her up. She thought of her friends, especially Chris. He held her night after night as she cried herself to sleep in his arms. He was the best friend a girl could ask for. How could she leave him, and Jake, and Stephen, and Michael, and Kaylee. Did they deserve to hurt like she did?
She held onto the pills tightly, her nails digging into her flesh. She felt the warmth of her blood filling her hand, covering the pills, seeping under her fingernails, and trailing down her arm. She hated him. She hated his green eyes and his smile and his laugh. She hated that she loved him. Still. She gripped the pills even tighter, then hurled the bloody tablets at the wall. She curled up on the floor and cried. She couldn’t let him win, couldn't take her own life for him. He wasn’t worth it. Dying wouldn't bring him back to her. She pulled herself up to the sink and washes her hands. The cuts in her palm are deep, and she knows they will scar. Those scars will be but a small reminder of the scars she bears on her heart, and of the day that he almost won.
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