Phantom

I wrote this with the hopes of submitting an unrhyming poem for a grade in creative writing. I'm trying to grow as a writer, some honest opinions please! :)

By day I smile.

The moments pass

And I'm happy.

Content.

I can ignore

The emptiness

That resides

In my chest.

 

The days drift past

With ease.

But by night,

I can't

Escape you.

The phantom

Of your memory

Haunts

My

Subconscious.

 

I see you.

Sometimes,

You're with her.

Others,

You're still mine.

Each scenario

Wakes me

With the bitter taste

Of adversity

On my tongue.

I don't want you.

Need you.

Know you.

You are nothing

But a fraud.

 

However,

When I close my eyes,

The apparition

 Of what was

Torments me.

You are

My

Demon.

Author's Note

Please please critique away! I really want some feedback, I'm very new to this whole no rhyming thing and need some feedback!!! :)) thank you!

Reviews

[Dilan Gray]

I love this poem! I have felt this way before and I have hated it. I think you described this situation beautifully. I loved "I can ignore/The emptiness/That resides/In my chest." I know that feeling all too well. I love that your poem is so easy to relate to. Fantastic poem!

[reminder]

Great metaphor-lingering thoughts/feelings for a phantom/aparition! I love your word choice! You are a talented poet:)

[Pippa Stoneheart]

it worked. i envy you because it never worked for me. anyways, i loved the words you used... "the phantom of your memory haunts my subconscious" "the apparition of what was torments me"
nice!

[Moflo]

This came out pretty good as well. It has a tempo that suggests you can read it out loud, which is always a positive for poetry. I personally dislike rhyming poems unless your theme is simplistic, but you did a great job here on an unrhymed one. Good work.

[littlelilypurplebride]

I don't rhym at all when i write poetry but WOW! this a very great piece to me one of your best you did a amazing Job with this write it's going into my reading list it is inspiring me a bit makes me think of some one letting go of a old love and having no feelings for em anymore like they are numb to feeling them yet their presence haunts them. god bless lily

[Margaret Marie Hubbard]

I like it! You did great, keep going with it!

[Wooddawg]

For whatever reason I'm not a huge fan of non-rhyming poems, but I like this, it has a nice flow to it. The emotion is expressed well, nice work. :)

[Everett DeValle]

I think its great...you don't have to re-edit it , at all....I read it, twice, and I feel like , as humans, lovers, hopeless romantics lol...we've all succumb to the feelings you emoted in your wonderful poem.

[Coyote Poetry]

A very good poem. I like how you twisted the words to create a poem of sadness and anger. The poem got stronger and better with each added line. No weakness in this poem. A very good ending to a outstanding poem.
Coyote

[Celeste21]

To be haunted by a lie is the greatest torment.. To be ruled by some1 who pretended to be who they thought they were... I know when I was younger it took a while to get out of my rhyming phase, Now-a-days I let the poem go where it wants to.. some lines rhyme some do not, but one thing I do know is when I read it out loud many comment on how rhythmic it sounds. So it's content/ quality over technical any day. When you think abt a piece that speaks 2u it was probably the way something was said.