Functional w***e

I saw you fall some time ago

The world was younger then

So who really knows?

 

If I had fallen

Then death is my only hope

For I have seen this world after and before

How it fell apart and was destroyed

So fallow me my lost girl

 

Life is something you have never seen before

Jaded and scorned

Just a functional w***e

For you are alone

 

You may state

What is this harshness for?

For you my girl

So one day you may see your world

 

Could you save yourself?

Once you see the nightmare you have formed

God I hope so!

Reviews

[Kaylah Loves Your Mom (..]

Pretty good (:

[Felicity's Eve]

Again, amazing!!!
That's all I can say!!!

[Barbara Walker]

In the second stanza, you use past tense in the first line and present tense in the second line, so that throws off the flow. If I had fallen, then death would have been my only hope. Also, the word "for", in certain geographic locations, may be spoken in place of the word, "because", but this is never done in writing, except, perhaps, a screen play, where one is trying to use dialect to showcase a geographic location or education level. The same could be said for prose and poetry but I do not think that is your intent on this particular piece.

[Kelsey]

As always, you did an amazing job with this. I always look forward to reading what your new work, it's always so different. You're definitely a unique writer, and I like that about you. Keep it up. x

[James William Dyer]

I really liked this one, and I when I was going for some coffee I realized why. The Voice in this poem is very strong, it conveys your essence well. The only things I saw that distracted from the Voice was the line "for I have seen..." and again the line "for you are alone". It may just be a personal taste sort of thing, but lines of poetry that start with a "for etc. etc. etc." as an explanation use a standard poetical formatting, and it sometimes sounds archaic. But aside from that, I liked this a lot, especially the ending line, which exhibited some humor. Nice display of Voice, strong and well-written.

[J. Viands]

Thanks man and thanks for the critique